Falling Down - Scarlett Johansson

Damn you, Scarlett Johansson. I’m trying to hate you here, with all of your pouty-lipped seductive perfection. That was supposed to be me who banged Benecio Del Toro in that elevator. He was looking for me, but you were there in the elevator shaft ,lookin’ for some shaft, then Benecio walks in and you just jumped on that poor man and defiled him, an act of lewdness so vile it was a mockery of that bad Aerosmith song. You heathen hussy! He was supposed to be MINE! The latino men all love ME. Thank God for Benecio, there are other days, other elevators, another opportunity. You will not cock-block me next time, O Scarlett Wench!

Oh yeah, but your new song is really kick-ass. I have to hand it to you, I wasn’t expecting anything nearly this cool coming from the likes of you. I had pegged you as more of a Jay-Z or P-Diddy protege. Maybe called “Scar J”, or something like that. I could see you all hooched out with scarlet sequined booty pants and a matching red vinyl bra to show off your “gurls” { editors note: Scarlett refers to her boobs as “her girls”}, and maybe a funky fresh grill with “Scar J” in rubies. Or, maybe not. From a distance, all that red on your teeth could look like bleeding, like maybe you’d been punched by your baby’s daddy or had a bad case of the meth mouth.

No, seriously, the song is great and I am really looking forward to hearing the rest of the record. From what I’ve read, NME has given it stellar reviews, calling it “brilliant” and “sure to top some best of 2008 lists”. And I always stand by my NME as an excellent gauge of musical authority…unless they’re talking about Coldplay. {Sorry! I just could never get into them. Possibly…due to a subliminal Gwyneth Paltrow resentment connection. Oh, and that thing about Chris Martin sounding like a congested muppet, or Dave Matthews having an asthma attack. God, and WHY did they name their kid APPLE? Thankfully it wasn’t a multiple birth, or we would’ve had sisters Pear and Apricot, and brother…hmm. What fruit would be suitable to name a boy after? There really aren’t very many “manly” fruity names. I guess if you name a man after a fruit, it would be like calling him a fruit, and that would be…hmm. Kinda gay? Well, if not totally gay, absolutely, a little bit effeminate at least. Hey, wait…if there were a boy, she could have named him Tom, as in Tomato!!!! That’s right, tomato is indeed a fruit, and quite a masculine one at that. It really would have been hilarious if Gwynnie would have had a whole litter of pups, she could nickname the whole gang “Her Little Fruit Bowl!”}

Wow. Man. Now that’s what I would call a tangent.

Kudos to Scarlett, anybody who can take Tom Waits music and work it into something that doesn’t make me want a lobotomy when I hear it…has magical abilities, and I am in awe.