Middle Aged Crazy- The B-52’s On The Today Show

Fuck. I really am getting old. 

Check this out. 

That was then:

Sigh.  Ok, this is now:

Disheartening, isn’t it?  Well, lucky for you, valued viewer, the above recent photo is 1000 light years nicer than this atrocity taken a few years back at what appears to be some sort of seniors office party (perhaps it was an AARP benefit of some sort? )

Holy Mary, Mother Of Jesus, that is painful. Kudos to Kate however for pulling off a look that is simultaneously appropriate for the office, a Gratetful Dead show, or converted into a sassy float for Gay Pride.  Fierce!

Wanna be even more depressed? take a look of this shot of my childhood heroine Debbie Harry with Kate Pierson, and some old guy. I’m not sure what they are doing or why the photo was taken. I’m assuming they were just hanging together, growing older, and griping about shit, cause that’s what old people do.

If you ran into these guys would you suspect they were iconoclastic rock gods who made cutting edge music that defined the punk generation? I’m thinking more like Aunts Deb and Kathy and Uncle Joe got themselves lost and are desperately seeking the comforts of the closest Luby’s Cafeteria. 

The look in Debbie’s eyes scream: Where is my Glucerna? Who the fuck took my Glucerna? And could somebody just help a lady with a Poise pad here? 

I guess it had to happen. Getting old, that is. I just didn’t think it would happen NOW, or I guess really what I’m trying say is- I didn’t think that NOW (being 20 years later) would happen so damn fast. I didn’t expect for it to creep up on me like this, yet simultaneously broadside my ass. Well, actually, I can see why my ass got broadsided. It’s because MY ASS IS SO FUCKING BROAD!!!!

I really need to stop watching the Today Show, each time I do, I become more and more embarrassed to be human. Last week it was the New Kids On The Block reunion. WTF??? Really people? Seriously????  Why????? I mean, who…WHO??? gave the green light on that one? Who got up that morning and decided THAT is what society needed that day…as a counterbalance to all the war, poverty, disease and destruction and the ongoing perpetual erosion of Western Civilation…we needed more New Kids. No, not more cowbell! We need more NEW KIDS! Are you fucking serious??? Who could let this go on at any level and hold a straight face? You mean to tell me that Matt Lauer didn’t bust out to a producer and say, “Gimee a fucking break? these Kids aren’t NEW!! They’re old!! And washed up!!! And sucked balls when they were New! How much ass must they blow now that they are fatter,slower, and their joints creak?”

To me it was just more proof that a Satan exists, and he is fucking having the belly laugh of his life. Why anyone would want to see the lamest, gayest musical act of the late 20th century 20 years later in its paunchy manopause, gasping out the most musically retarded lyrics while executing dance moves with the ease and agility of neighborhood dads Sweatin’ To The Oldies with Richard Simmons. What was worse was the pathetic legion of women who appeared to be my age,  happily boppin’ in the audience to “Hangin’Tough”.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Troof? About The Beatles, Manson,Helter Skelter,Roman Polanski and How I Figured Out I’m Rosemary’s Baby

Yep, that’s ME. Well, at least, that’s how I feel most of the time,lolololololol………. Hey, I was born in 1969, I was adopted…I have 6 toes on each of my cloven feet…

HA! My feet are funky, but not quite to that extent.

So, this is what I read about the Beatles, The Devil, the Manson murders and the Polanski connection. It’s copied from the website http://stargods.org/BeatlesEvil.html.

The Beatles were satanists that had made a pact with the devil, and the bill had to be paid to the coven. Every band that has made a pact with satan has had a member die. Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Beatles, The Who, etc. In an interview with Barbara Walters, Lennon assassin Mark David Chapman clearly demonstrated that he was a satanist. In other words he was an errand boy collecting the payment for satan’s bill.

“Alone in my apartment back in Honolulu, I would strip naked and put on Beatles records and pray to Satan to give me the strength. I prayed for demons to enter my body to give me the power to kill” (cited by Evangelist Richard Ciarrocca, Observations, Dec. 1990).

“In his book, The Ultimate Evil, investigator-author Maury Terry writes that between 1966 and 1967, the Satanic cult, the Process Church, ’sought to recruit the Beatles.’”

The Beatles’ Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album was dedicated to satanist Aleister Crowley. It was released 20 years, nearly to the day, after Crowley’s death in 1947. The title song with the lyrics, “It was twenty years ago today…” On the album cover we see a collection of the Beatles personal heros. Aleister Crowley appears there.

Crowley was born in 1875 and was called the “Great Beast.” He was known to practice ritual child sacrifice regularly, in his role as Satan’s high priest or “Magus.” Crowley died in 1947 due to complications of his huge heroin addiction. Before dying, he succeeded in establishing Satanic covens in many U.S. cities including Hollywood. Kenneth Anger, like Crowley, is a Magus, and appears to be the heir to Crowley. Anger was seventeen years old when Crowley died. In that same year, 1947, Anger was already producing and directing films which, even by today’s standards, reek of pure evil.” – http://www.geocities.com/mmiddleton87/

A key link between the Beatles and the Process Church is Kenneth Anger, a follower of the “founding father” of modern Satanism, Aleister Crowley. Anger, born in 1930, and a child Hollywood movie star, became a devoted disciple of Crowley.

The movie Rosemary’s baby was filmed in the Dakota building were John Lennon was shot to death. It also appears that John Lennon knew the director personally. “The Director of Rosemary’s Baby was Roman Polanski. (At a party in California in 1973, Lennon ‘went berserk, hurling a chair out the window, smashing mirrors, heaving a TV against the wall, and screaming nonsense about film director Roman Polanski being to blame’ – Giuliano)

It’s also interesting to note that when the Beatles went to India to see the Yogi, John Lennon took along Mia Farrow star of the movie Rosemary’s Baby. It would appear that birds of the same occult coven flock together.

Did this nobody Director make a pact with the Hollywood coven in order that he be given a very choice script. So what is the price for fame in the underworld. It is the killing of your baby! This fact is even stressed in the movie. The coven in the movie demand Rosemary’s baby in return for her husband’s success and Hollywood fame.

It was an amazing coincidence that the film had a plot that would be similarly played out a year later – Polanski’s pregnant actress/wife Sharon Tate would be murdered by Charles Manson’s followers.

The murder of his wife appears to be pre-payment for an Academy Award nomination for Polanski’s Best Adapted Screenplay. This movie was a critically-acclaimed and a commercially successful film.

Weeks before Lennon’s death, on his latest album there was a song by Yoko Ono titled Kiss Kiss Kiss. When played backwards one can hear Yoko say, “I shot John Lennon.” This is the same album that John Chapman listened to over and over again! Was Chapman under mind control induced by the album.

Now enter another mind control victim by the name of Charles Manson another santanic bill collector. His followers saw to it that Roman Polanski’s wife was killed along with the baby. In the movie Rosemary’s Baby, it is stressed that there is occult power in babies blood. Could this be the reason why Sharon Tate’s baby was almost taken out of the womb by Susan Aktins Sadie who wanted to cut out the baby, but couldn’t because there hadn’t been time. They wanted to take out the eyes of the people, and squash them against the walls, and cut off their fingers. “We were going to mutilate them, but we didn’t have a chance to.”

Rosemary the main character in the movie, and was to have her baby taken away, had the nickname “Ro.” I wonder what Roman Polanski’s (who in real life had his baby murdered) nick name was? By the way, holly wood is what magicians wands are made from, and stars are the points of light that shine forth Lucifer’s occultist wisdom.

Now that we know Mark Chapman and Manson were receiving messages from albums, let’s take it even further. Remember the Beatles White Album that Charles Manson received his murderous orders from.

Sexy Sadie what have you done

On the album there is a song called Sexy Sadie. Well it turns out that this was the nickname of Susan Atkins. Now “Sadie Mae Glutz was the alias given to the Family member Susan Atkins by Manson even before the appearance of the White Album song ‘Sexy Sadie!’ -http://www.phinnweb.com/livingroom/rosemary/

It was Sadies testimony in court that brought an end to the Manson family. Now read the lyrics below from the Beatles song Sexy Sadie.

Sexy Sady “White album” Year 1968

Sexy Sadie what have you done
You made a fool of everyone
You made a fool of everyone
Sexy Sadie ooh what have you done.

Sexy Sadie you broke the rules
You layed it down for all (the court) to see
You layed it down for all to see
Sexy Sadie oooh you broke the rules.

One sunny day the world was waiting for a lover
She came along to turn on everyone
Sexy Sadie the greatest (Manson killer)of them all.

(Susan Atkins was a sexual lover of the Manson family)

Sexy Sadie how did you know
The world was waiting just for you
The world was waiting just for you
Sexy Sadie oooh how did you know.

Sexy Sadie you’ll get yours yet
However big you think you are
However big you think you are
Sexy Sadie oooh you’ll get yours yet.

Susan Atkins often bragged and boasted.

We gave her everything we owned just to sit at her table
Just a smile would lighten everything
Sexy Sadie she’s the latest and the greatest of them all.

She made a fool of everyone
Sexy Sadie.

However big you think you are
Sexy Sadie.
Brackets by author.

Another nickname of Susan Atkins was Sadie Mae Glutz

Maggie Mae (Written by Lennon/McCartney/Harrison/Starkey)
Album “Let it be” Year 1970

Oh dirty Maggie Mae they have taken her away
And she never walk down Lime Street any more
Oh the judge he guilty found her
For robbing a homeward bounder
That dirty no good robbin’ Maggie Mae
To the port of Liverpool
They returned me to
Two pounds ten a week, that was my pay.

Beatles “Let It Be” Album
May 8th 1970

Speculation: Could the above lyrics also be a metaphor for black mail?

So why was Sharon Tate chosen to die. My feeling is that Roman Polanski made a pact with the Hollywood coven. This was an exchange for his child so that he be given fame and success. He was a nobody movie director till he was handed a script that would make him an instant success. So why give a major script to a basically unknown director and not a well established director? Why is because of his agreed sacrificial offering that would have to be made in the future. Manson would be the grocery clerk coming for the payment of the bill.

Suasan Atkins Sadie had stated that Sharon Tate had been the last to die because, “She had to watch the others die.” By all accounts, Tate died in excruciating fear and agony. Bugliosi gives Atkins’ account: she was holding Sharon Tate at the time and, “Tex came back and he looked at her and he said, ‘Kill her.” And I killed her… And I just stabbed her and she fell, and I stabbed her again. I don’t know how many times I stabbed her…” Sharon begged for the life of her baby, but Atkins told her, “Shut up. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Before he killed him, Charles “Tex” Watson told Voytek Frykowski: ‘I am the Devil and I am here to do the Devil’s business.’” Months later at the trial, Manson’s “disciples” were said to have been utterly under his power.

The Beatles

“They’re COMPLETELY ANTI-CHRIST. I mean, I am anti-Christ as well, but they’re so anti-Christ they shock me which isn’t an easy thing.” Derek Taylor, Press Officer for the Beatles

“I believed that he was Satan himself at times” George Martin, Beatles Producer

“Jesus, a garlic-eating, stinking little yellow, greasy fascist bastard catholic Spaniard.” (John Lennon, A Spaniard in the Works, p.14)

“Christianity will go, it will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue about that. I’m right and will be proved right. You just wait.. . .We’re more powerfull than Jesus ever was..” John Lennon

Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme

Amazing too is how years later with President Ford in the White House, then Vice President Nelson Rockefeller was just a heartbeat away from becoming leader of the free world. With Rocky as Vice President, if anything should befall Ford at that time, he would instantly become President. Well, time to send in Manson’s followers once again.

One of his followers Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme who steps out in a failed assassination attempt against President Ford. (September 5, 1975) Two weeks later another woman Sara Jane Moore attempts another assassination San Francisco with a handgun. (September 22, 1975)

Squeaky claimed that she did not attempt to kill President Ford, because she never injected a bullet from the handle into the chamber. Was she under mind control? Could she of been programmed just to show up with a gun?

John Lennon Murder

“HINCKLEY followed as exactly as he possibly could EVERY SINGLE MOVE that Mark David CHAPMAN had made, in the days before CHAPMAN murdered John Lennon.

Even MORE bizarre: at the time of their respective arrests following both shooting incidents, John Hinckley AND Mark David Chapman were each carrying on their person a paperback copy of the J.D. Salinger novel, ’CATCHER IN THE RYE.’ (AS did the MK-Ultra mind-controlled assassin Jerry played by Mel Gibson in the surprisingly revealing movie Conspiracy Theory.)

J.D. Salinger, certainly a gifted author, had SUBSTANTIAL and enduring ties to the U.S. intelligence community; in particular, the CIA. Was the book originally intended to be a mind-control programming tool? It’s hard to say, but not inconceivable.

SO: Hinckley traced Chapman’s footsteps, as it were, in an incredibly eerie AND incredibly REVEALING, scripted tableau; which culminated, as it did with Chapman, in mind-controlled Manchurian Candidate assassin Hinckley shooting his prey on the New York City streets.

Which indeed, brings up yet a FURTHER point. Hinckley FIRST CAME to New York WELL BEFORE his attempt to assassinate Reagan, in order to prepare himself for his assigned role by imitating Chapman’s moves and actions of a few months before.

SO: HOW did Hinckley KNOW, several weeks BEFORE-hand, that Reagan was going to be at the place in New York City were Hinckley would shoot him, AND the DAY and TIME Reagan would be there??

SOMEBODY on the “INSIDE,” who knew Reagan’s schedule some time in advance, positioned Hinckley in New York well before the date of the attempted assassination of Reagan.

Somebody like George BUSH, Sr., maybe? Trying to get a jump on taking over as President? Or, maybe just sending ol’ Ronnie a VERY strong, clear message about who the “boss” really was…
Written by NewsHawk

Recently George Harrison died from cancer. In the murky world of the occult there are many convenient deaths due to cancer. The occult bill collector had already come once in a previous failed attempt to kill Harrison with a knife. I find this rather curios when comparing real life to the Beatle movie called Help. In the movie Ringo is given a ring that makes him the target of a cult which wants to sacrifice him! They continually chase after him with a knife!

SANTA MONICA, December 30, 1999 — Another Beatle victimized by violence.

Ex-Mop Top George Harrison was stabbed at his London-area home today by a knife-wielding intruder, reports say.

Harrison, 56, was stabbed once in the chest before fending off the attacker. His wife, Olivia, suffered minor head injuries in the attack, but did not require hospitalization….The attack, which reportedly took place sometime around 3:30 a.m. London time, was said to have shocked residents of the quiet, upper-class community of Henley-On-Thames. Harrison’s estate was thought to be particularly well guarded. It reportedly featured 24-hour security, patrol dogs and barbed wire fencing. British authorities said they were investigating burglary as a possible motive.

A 33-year-old man — a resident of the Beatles’ own Liverpool — was arrested and booked on suspicion of attempted murder.

Harrison’s stabbing comes 19 years after fellow ex-bandmate John Lennon was shot and killed outside his New York apartment by obsessed fan Mark David Chapman.

By Jim Bartoo, Hollywood.com Staff
Occultists often use so called sacred numbers to bring them power. Sacrifices are often made on the bases of these numbers. Prime sacred numbers are 3, 6, 7, 9, 11. Sacred multiples are 19, 21, 33.

Note the year that Harrison’s attack took place. It was in 1999. Inverted with the number one left out you have 666, the most sacred number of all. He was 56 years old. 5+6= 11 which is a very sacred number. Note too that he is stabbed by a man who just happens to be 33 years old. This too is a very sacred number since it is 3X11. He was also attacked around 3:30 am (33).

Another interesting event was that Prime Minister Chretien of Canada was attacked by a young man with knife too. The man somehow got through the intense home security and found his way in to into the Prime Ministers home late at night. This murder attempt too had failed.

Conclusion

My feeling is that that the Beatles were members of the same Hollywood occult coven that Roman Polanski was. The Movie Rosemary’s Baby was a future template of what was going to happen to Polanski’s wife Sharon Tate. Also the songs recorded by the Beatles seem to indicate that they knew what was going to take place. I believe that songs like Helter Skelter, which Charles Manson felt he got his orders to kill from, were recorded by the Beatles for that express purpose.

As in the movie Rosemary’s Baby, I believe Sharon Tate was manipulated and set up by all the people that she trusted and loved including her own husband. She was the sacrifice to satan for all Polanski’s success. I for one was not fooled by his tears during his interviews.

At some point, Farrow allegedly feared she would be the next victim of the murder spree

1968 excursion to India, and John Lennon of The Beatles wrote ‘Dear Prudence’ (also a song on White Album) for Mia Farrow’s younger sister

Mark Chapman was the name of Lennon’s killer – Winifred Chapman was the maid who had first found the bodies at 10050 Cielo Drive.

And, I also feel that Anton Szandor LaVey, the founder of The Church of Satan – to whom the Family members (especially Susan Atkins)is the leader of the Hollywood Coven.

Coincidences

Roman Polanski movie,
Knife in the Water 1962

George Harrison attacked by man with knife.

All through the movie Help, Ringo Star is often chased by religious fanatics that are armed with a knife.

Susan Atkins was going to remove Sharon Tates baby with a knife.

Notes and Quotes

Sharon Tate’s unborn baby, killed by the Manson family, was named Paul Richard Polanski.

Theatrical Release: Rosemary’s Baby
June 12 1968

There is no comfort in the coven of the witch Some very clever doctor went and sterilized the bitch And the only man of energy, (Manson) yes the revolution’s pride (Manson) He trained a hundred women just to kill an unborn child.
—Leonard Cohen-
“No Diamonds in the Mine”

Sharon Tate
Date of birth (location)
24 January 1943, Dallas, Texas, USA
Date of death:
9 August 1969,

Note the three 9s in this date. Inverted it becomes 666! The number of Rosemary’s baby.

Rosemary’s Baby

My New Favorite Song

Falling Down – Scarlett Johansson

Damn you, Scarlett Johansson. I’m trying to hate you here, with all of your pouty-lipped seductive perfection. That was supposed to be me who banged Benecio Del Toro in that elevator. He was looking for me, but you were there in the elevator shaft ,lookin’ for some shaft, then Benecio walks in and you just jumped on that poor man and defiled him, an act of lewdness so vile it was a mockery of that bad Aerosmith song. You heathen hussy! He was supposed to be MINE! The latino men all love ME. Thank God for Benecio, there are other days, other elevators, another opportunity. You will not cock-block me next time, O Scarlett Wench!

Oh yeah, but your new song is really kick-ass. I have to hand it to you, I wasn’t expecting anything nearly this cool coming from the likes of you. I had pegged you as more of a Jay-Z or P-Diddy protege. Maybe called “Scar J”, or something like that. I could see you all hooched out with scarlet sequined booty pants and a matching red vinyl bra to show off your “gurls” { editors note: Scarlett refers to her boobs as “her girls”}, and maybe a funky fresh grill with “Scar J” in rubies. Or, maybe not. From a distance, all that red on your teeth could look like bleeding, like maybe you’d been punched by your baby’s daddy or had a bad case of the meth mouth.

No, seriously, the song is great and I am really looking forward to hearing the rest of the record. From what I’ve read, NME has given it stellar reviews, calling it “brilliant” and “sure to top some best of 2008 lists”. And I always stand by my NME as an excellent gauge of musical authority…unless they’re talking about Coldplay. {Sorry! I just could never get into them. Possibly…due to a subliminal Gwyneth Paltrow resentment connection. Oh, and that thing about Chris Martin sounding like a congested muppet, or Dave Matthews having an asthma attack. God, and WHY did they name their kid APPLE? Thankfully it wasn’t a multiple birth, or we would’ve had sisters Pear and Apricot, and brother…hmm. What fruit would be suitable to name a boy after? There really aren’t very many “manly” fruity names. I guess if you name a man after a fruit, it would be like calling him a fruit, and that would be…hmm. Kinda gay? Well, if not totally gay, absolutely, a little bit effeminate at least. Hey, wait…if there were a boy, she could have named him Tom, as in Tomato!!!! That’s right, tomato is indeed a fruit, and quite a masculine one at that. It really would have been hilarious if Gwynnie would have had a whole litter of pups, she could nickname the whole gang “Her Little Fruit Bowl!”}

Wow. Man. Now that’s what I would call a tangent.

Kudos to Scarlett, anybody who can take Tom Waits music and work it into something that doesn’t make me want a lobotomy when I hear it…has magical abilities, and I am in awe.

It’s Been An Interesting Week Here In Loonsville

Look everybody, I finally got a book written about me! It’s about damn time.

Wow. It has been a hell of time for me these past few weeks, and “hell” would be an amusingly appropriate metaphor, as the firey bowels of the netherworld seem to have been the most prevalent topic on my mind. I spent a lot of time this week immersed in subjects of the occult, the bizarre, the strange. I like to feed on news of the paranormal much like a mosquito likes to siphon the putrescent blood of the diseased. I ingest it greedily, then it festers in my brain for a while until it transmutes into a giant tumor of dread and paranoia. This tumor of terror will continue to grow and metastasize rampantly throughout my head, heart, and gut until any prognosis of clear and rational thinking is completely eradicated. This is probably not a good afternoon pastime for someone like myself who is prone to bouts of paranoia and illogical thinking. But since when has that ever stopped me? Sometimes the worse I know something is for my health and sanity, the more likely I am to engorge myself with it.

I think that is called ’self-destructive behavior’. Hmmpf. I may have to look into that one.

Thank God I found myself a new job and I am back in the saddle again. I was off for about 3 weeks after leaving Matt’s. Although it was a good move for me and produced a much needed change in my life, the way it all went down really shoved me right back down into {ANOTHER! YAWN!!!!} massive shame spiral that plummeted me down to depths of darkness I hadn’t seen in at least 2 or 3 days prior to stumbling into this particular spiral. Yeah, I was feeling pretty low.

*Helpful Hint* Really depressed people really probably shouldn’t read Sylvia Plath, or listen to Sylvia Plath reading Sylvia Plath. Yeah. Probably not a good idea.

Oh Sylvia. How I love you. You are the emotionally imbalanced lunachick’s ultimate muse. I’m not sure which is more facinating-the darkly bewitching madness of your writing, or the even crazier truth behind your life. And has anyone ever told you, that the way you read those poems of yours is kinda creepy, too ? I never realized your voice was so…well,haunting. Yeah, it is, really. It really is. I got sucked into watching some clips about you on YouTube and heard the audio of you reciting “Daddy” and “Lady Lazarus” among others. Really brilliant, I have to hand it to you, but as if you and all your damn insanity and suicide and creepy husband Ted Hughes and all weren’t enough to disturb the bejeezus out of me, the malfeasant sound of your voice as you pound out word after word with such an angry froth…it was just downright diabolical. Don’t do that next time, ok, Sylvia? Try to lighten up a little bit, you’re not the only one who gets bummed out, you know. You don’t have to be such a downer. The way you drone on, it’s enough to make someone stick their head in an oven and turn the gas up, and you don’t want that to happen, do you? No, of course not, because gas is really fucking expensive right now, whether it’s for your car or to light your oven to kill yourself.

Try looking on the bright side once in a while, maybe catch an old episode of the Brady Bunch. Especially the ones where the kids sing “Sunshine Day”.

See! Those crazy Bradys always bring a little sunshine into my day. That is, until I notice how thin, popular and pretty Marcia is…and I’m not! Everybody always pays attention to Marcia, and never to me. Marcia always gets the boys, Marcia always gets good grades, Marcia never ever has a bad hair day, Marcia’s poop smells like Chanel No. 5. FUCK MARCIA! MARCIA! MARCIA! MARCIA!

Wow. Gotta get that neurosis of mine under control…

Great New Recipe Idea!

While we’re on the subject of food, and since I’m a bonafide chef myself (LOL! Ok, I can’t make that claim with a straight face, not even sarcastically)…well, I mean, since I work close to chefs, and do manage to absorb some of their outstanding food knowledge via osmosis {and also by rubbing some of the dishes into my skin, much like a salve. Sssshh, don’t tell, they may think it’s weird and revoke my Food Handler’s Permit) I figure I may as well add a cooking segment to my regular line-up of blog topics, so I can share my vast and profound love of all things edible with you all. After, no better way to unite friends and family than via the stomach, right? {And especially stomach lining…cause after all, everybody loves menudo! No silly, not the all-mexican boy band! Tripe, dorkus! Tripe!}

So today, I’m going to start by sharing with you a long-forgotten favorite of mine, but I’m going to show you how to prepare it with a chic new twist that’s really gonna knock the socks off your friends and family the next time you entertain. This will the first installment in my Cooking With Canned Meats series, as most of you know my affection for processed and potted meat products, not only for their superior texture and complex flavor profile, but also because they are non-perishable and we should all have a pantry full of these deliciously salty lifesavers on hand to get us by in case of a terrorist attack or if the big one hits. You think it can’t happen? You just wait and see what happens once that Barack Obama gets elected into the oval office! You’ll wish you’d stocked up on all that Spam when it was on sale during Spring Dollar Days at Albertson’s! 10 cans for $One Dollar!$ Only a damn fool would pass up a deal like that. Anyways, I’d advise you to print these handy recipes out and paste them onto convenient 3X5 index cards and keep them in a safe spot in your kitchen, because come election day, trust me, you’re gonna need them.

Ok, I’d like to introduce to you a favorite, but oft-forgotten member of the canned meat family. Some of you may not be familiar, or may have in the past even been a little frightened of this little fella, but I want to take this opportunity to ease those fears and encourage you to have an open mind. We’re about to embark on a culinary adventure that’s sure to surprise your tastebuds and leave you scratching your head, wondering why you were such a scared little sissy pants to begin with. So with no further adue, I’d like to bring out the delectible and delightful Ye Olde Oak Brand Lunch Tongue.

Now, Ye Olde Oak is my personal choice because of it’s long standing history of quality, but some of you may have a hard time finding it in stores, as it is a UK import. So, if Ye Olde Oak cannot be found, you can always substitute Tom Piper tongues in a pinch.

Now, do be aware that Tom Piper is not 100% pure beef tongue, like Ye Olde Oak, so you’re going to detect some lamb in there, and maybe some elk, antelope, llama, yak, and I think I’ve even detected a hint of dingo once or twice. The nice thing though, is although you would expect a gamier taste, it is surprisingly mild, with possesses a richness and complexity in character that straight beef tongue just really doesn’t have. So choose which ever one is most pleasing to you.

Alright, now that our secret ingredient has been unveiled, it’s onto the recipe of the day. We are going to be making a luscious Lunch Tongue and Fois Gras Terrine served with a refreshing Pomegranate Chardonnay Jelly. It’s an elegant and refined take on a popular french favorite that your family is sure to love, and bonus! it takes great smeared on a triscuit.

LUNCH TONGUE AND FOIS GRAS TERRINE

12 cans lunch tongue, pureed

1/2 (approx. .75lbs) duck or goose liver/fois gras, cleaned and deveined (or leave the veins in, if you want more texture)

3 tsp. juice of pickled pigs feet

1 cup finely diced shallots

1 packet Lipton Onion Soup mix (this shit makes EVERYTHING taste good!)

Enough bacon strips to line loaf pan

Terrine dish or loaf pan, 5-6 cup capacity

Preheat oven to 200°F and line a small roasting pan with a folded kitchen towel or 6 layers of paper towels (this provides insulation so bottom of terrine won’t cook too quickly).

Sprinkle each lobe and any loose pieces of foie gras on both sides with halh of your pack of Lipton Onion Soup Mix. Sprinkle remaining mix into lunch tongue puree, mix well. Line the bottom and sides of terrine dish with bacon strips, be careful not to overlap.(Also, do not snack on any remaining leftover pieces of raw bacon, no matter how tempted you may be. I got really sick doing that one time.) Next,firmly press large lobe of foie gras, smooth side down, into bottom. (Wedge any loose pieces of foie gras into terrine to make lobe fit snugly.) Sprinkle with diced onions. Now, slather the lunch tongue mixture into terrine and firmly press down to create a flat surface and snug fit. Sprinkle with remaining diced onions. Cover surface with plastic wrap, then cover terrine with lid or foil.

Put terrine (with plastic wrap and lid) in roasting pan and fill roasting pan with enough hot water to reach halfway up side of terrine. Bake in middle of oven until an instant-read thermometer inserted diagonally into center of foie gras registers 120°F, 1 to 1 1/2 hours, or 160°F (for USDA standards), about 3 1/2 hours.

Remove terrine from pan. Discard water and remove towel. Return terrine to roasting pan and remove lid. Put wrapped cardboard directly on surface of terrine and set a weight on cardboard (this will force fat to surface; don’t worry if fat overflows). Let stand at room temperature 20 minutes.

Remove weight and cardboard and spoon any fat that has dripped over side of terrine back onto top (fat will seal terrine). Chill, covered, until solid, at least 1 day.

Unmold foie gras by running a hot knife around edge. Invert onto a plate and reinvert, fat side up, onto serving dish. Cut into slices with a heated sharp knife, serve with Pomegranate Chardonnay Jelly (see below)

POMEGRANATE CHARDONNAY JELLY

3 1/2 cups chardonnay (try to use the good stuff for the best flavor, save your Boone’s Farm for the after dinner party)

1/2 cup fresh pomegranate juice

1 (2 ounce) package dry pectin

4 1/2 cups white sugar

1. Combine wine, lemon juice, and pectin in a large saucepot. Bring to a boil, stirring frequently. Add sugar, stirring until dissolved. Return to a rolling boil. Boil hard 1 minute, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Skim foam off top, if necessary.
2. Ladle hot jelly into hot, sterilized jars, leaving 1/2 inch headspace. Tighten 2 piece lids. Process for 5 minutes in boiling water bath.

***** On-The-Go Ho’s tip: If pinched for time, a shortcut solution of a half jug of wine to 1 pack cherry jello works just as well.Just tell em it’s pomegranate, they’ll never know the difference!*****

Bon Appetit!

I sure do love to help. :)

I’ve decided to start volunteering recently, and happily, one of the opportunities that has come up is providing support to victims of domestic violence. It’s great, because this is absolutely one of the A #1 causes I am passionate about, so I’m excited to have a chance to get in there and do whatever I can to make a difference in these women’s lives. I’ve found that it can be a bit of a challenge finding a good volunteering gig, the really good jobs seem to already be taken. For instance, I went to Nordstrom and asked if they needed any help with advertising, for I would be happy to model any of their 1000’s of high-quality and fashion forward garments all around the downtown area. Oddly enough, the answer was a No!

Then I headed over to Gordon Biersch and volunteered my superior beer-tasting talents absolutely FREE OF CHARGE! just to be a good citizen and help them out in their QA department. I mean heck, it has to be tough for an outfit like themselves to consistently produce a great-tasting product, and I’m sure it would be helpful to have some folk on hand to serve as sort of a “frontline of defense” and save some poor elistist schmo from overpaying for a brew that might possibly even be just a skosh not up to snuff?

I was floored when I was politely shown the door and asked to never return. I even inquired about tasting opportunities with any of the new brews that were still in the development stage. I’d be happy to give those guys my opinion on how they taste! Plus, I’m sure I’d have some helpful feedback for them, after all, I have spent a lot of years swilling a LOT (and I do mean ALOT) of beers, and trust me, I know good beer when I taste it.

Again, the answer was NO! What is the deal with these people? Maybe I have something stuck in my teeth. And what was up with the arm-twisting thing the security guy was doing as he was escorting me out the door?? Dude just about ripped my arm off my shoulder. Man, what a jackass, that really hurt.

Oh, I guess it’s for my own good anyways. I don’t need to start drinking again. It was kinda early, anyways, I think it was like 8:00 in the morning. Now if it were 10? Maybe a different story. Ok, ok, I gotta focus now.

So yeah, the plan is for myself to provide encouragement and solutions by phone to callers who are seeking help to extract themselves from some sort of potentially dangerous situation. So I guess I’ll start out by being a good listener, assess the situation, then give them resource information and any helpful tips or perhaps some encouragement or advice. Which is great, because that is exactly what I am best at.

You know, one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in my journeys down this wide and rambling road we call life, is that every cloud really DOES have a silver lining. It’s true. Attitude is everything, and when it comes to life, it’s up to you to decide whether you’re going to put a positive or a negative spin on any given situation. And domestic violence is no exception.

I know there are a lot of “standardized ” wisdoms in the world of counseling victims of domestic violence, things such as “Yeah, if he hit you with a hammer,you should get that checked out”, and “Um, yes, sweetie, I think the part where your “partner” shot your mother and set the dog on fire, may indeed be a red flag”. Those sorts of things are kind of no-brainers, and honestly, I think I’m gonna feel a little weird stating the obvious to some of these women. In fact, most of them I’m sure have heard the same meaningless line of tripe crisis lines always tell callers anyway…they got the standard “run for your life” shpeel the last time Earl beat the living tarfeathers off their behinds. I’m thinking these women would really benefit if I could possibly bring something different to the table. So, I’ve been working on some fresh new twists on looking at the subject of domestic violence, and I think they’re really mighty encouraging. Take a look and let me what you think:

1) Yes, having been punched, choked, and grabbed from behind I’m sure was frightening and is horrible! But hey, it’s not gonna seem so weird or scary the next time someone tries to mug you!

2)Try to make dodging punches and bullets a bit more like a game. Try to imagine that you’re just acting out a real life game of Grand Theft Auto, or something else along those lines.

3)Try to make the most out of each trip to the courthouse when you’re filing your Order Of Protection paperwork. They’re a lot of really hot Family Law Attorneys down there, and if you’re on your game, you might just land yourself a sugardaddy. Stay away from the cops though. They’ve got the anger management issues, too.

4) Hey, you get priority placement for social services!

5) You know, you get great free samples of shampoo and stuff at those domestic violence shelters. Be smart and scoop up all the love you can!

6) If he’s stalking you, try looking at it as “Hide N’ Go Seek”. You know, think “Stratego”, make it a challenge! Oooh…where’s he gonna be next? Is he gonna be – here?? Noooo, ok…maybe he’s HERE hiding out in the bushes. Or will he find me HERE and be waiting for me behind the door with a butcher knife? See! Gives it a slightly more frothy, fun, frivolous feel, like “Where’s Waldo?”

7) You know girl, “bruise” is the new “black”. You didn’t hear about that? Guuuurrl, you better go on and work it NOW!

I’m totally stoked. It feels so good to be giving back and helping others. I’m sure if I keep coming up with more of these freshfaced words of hope and encouragement, I’ll be the hotline’s favorite counselor in no time. Maybe I could parlay this into like a full-time gig. Yeah, I think I may have just found my calling. Wait! I just came up with another one, listen to this:

“Don’t be sad about that shirt he just ripped right off you. See, use these shreds of fabric to make dandy fashion hair bows. Or, you can use them as bondage restraints to really put some extra sizzle into your make-up sex!” Good God, at times, my genius…

The Resemblence Is Uncanny

You know, this just confirms my darkest fears. Apparently, I really do look like a man.

When one’s eyes rest upon my mug, they interpret me as either:

A) A really hot blonde, say Christina Applegate, Portia Derossi {yeeaah!} or somebody russian. OR,

B) A MAN.

Apparently, many men, according to the experts over at MyHeritage.com. A nod to my natural versatility, I suppose. You know, I always felt that deep inside I embodied the spirits of a short-statured disc jockey from Buenos Aries, certainly, a blood-doping, cheating Olympic cyclist (and there you go again, automatically assuming that since the word “dope” is involved, dude must look like me), and of course, The Thin Man. Couldn’t tell you why-I just always knew.

Well, I always knew I looked like Tyler Hamilton. I mean DUH, c’mon, it’s a no-brainer. (For those of you not “in the know”, Tyler Hamilton was the UK cyclist in the 2004 Athens Olympics who almost had his gold medal snatched away from him for alleged “blood-doping”,a surprising practice that involves neither steroids nor china white {then why the hell even bother????} , but instead has something gross to do about blood transfusions and extra red blood cells. Fuck, that would just be way too messy and too much trouble for me. Hasn’t he ever heard of Red Bull and Vodka? It’s the chosen performance enhancer for millions of savvy, on-the-go barathletes who need that extra BOOST to get the job done.) Tyler and I are the same height, and have very similar fashion sensibilities.

Which reminds me, where the fuck are my Limited Edition Lance Armstrong autographed LiveStrong bicycle shorts and coordinating laurel leaf olympian coronet? They were just here on this chair, I was about to go riding-DAMNIT, do you have them? Huh? Is this some kind of joke? Ha Ha, very funny.

Or …..C) Hillary Clinton. Well Of course!I always thought we were twins. In fact, whenever I see a picture of her and her tired eyes, and I notice the faded beauty of her softly drooping contours, drab hair, and bland wardrobe-it’s freaky! It’s just like looking in the mirror. You know, you actually just thwarted my crafty plan for world domination. In the beginning, when the campaign was fresh and Hillary had such promise, much like the promise I made to God that I would save myself until marriage, I concocted a plan to sidle up behind her and club her upside the head with the tail end of that rifle her grandpappy used to teach her ol Calamity Jane ass how to shoot with.

You know, just take her out, stuff her in a barrel on the otherside of the shed, and then run for president in her place, since we’re sooo obviously dopplegangers. I was stoked, too! I was really looking forward to becoming our nation’s first Lady President. Fuck, I could truly use a trusty government job with a stable, respectable wage and a decent benefits package. The government usually hooks yo ass UP! Which reminds me…HOOKERS! Right On! I’d get hookers too. HELL YEAH!

That’s right, I almost forgot about all those other great “perks” of the job! Number one, I’d have A job (bonus!) that would allow me to have a title…PRESIDENT! That sure does sound a whole lot better than LIFETIME OF UNDERACHIEVEMENT! Yay! Mama might finally be proud.

I’d have my medical, andI’d get to be on TV like I’ve always wanted and do important stuff with really important people…just like I always dreamed!!

Oooh, but I’d have to wear really wretched suits and sport some VERY UN-LeDonna hair.

Hmmf. Nooooot feeling that…nooooooooooooooooooooo. But….wait just one cotton-pickin’ minute here (as my dear mama used to say as she swatted me with her flyflipper)! I’m the damn president. I can wear whatever the hell I want. And damn straight it’s going to be sexy. And I personally think I, as Hillary, will look smashing as a redhead. And the 25-year difference? Botox, baby. Restylane. Oh yeah, shhhh!! Don’t tell Bill, but I got a LifeStyle Lift too. (Insert smile and wink HERE!) The whole world will think Hillary was on AMBUSH MAKEOVERS!

(Bill WILL think Hills wents and gots herself some “vaginal rejuvenation” once he gets a hold of me alone in the Lincoln Bedroom (or whatever bedroom you’re supposed to sleep in when you’re president-but hey, the Lincoln Bedroom MIGHT be kinkier, so let’s keep it). I have a feeling he just might suddenly bankroll just about any old procedure I’d want. He’d be so dazed and confused, too, thinking Monica and I had maybe started hanging out. HA! He wouldn’t know what to do with all his cigars, it’d be just like a second honeymoon!

Question. Do I still get to keep my food stamps? Oh, and fuck yeah, I have Air Force One Too!! K -ick-ASS!

Oh but wait, I changed my mind and decided maybe that wasn’t such a hot gig once the SuperObama CHANGE Train chugged around the bend and kinda mowed her down. Damnit Hillary!

Now what am I gonna do? How can you claim that you are concerned about the nation’s economy and helping the impoverished succeed when you just go on and fuck up my great new job already??? G*%Damnit, can’t a squirrel just get a freaking nut,(no pun intended, Bill) just for once? JUST FOR ONCE?????

DAMNIT TO HELL!!!! I guess it’s back to the kitchen for me. Oh well, I guess that’s not so bad. Now I can fix me a steak.

Well, that’s just fine, Hillary, you keep on your losing streak. I understand, it’s not “personal” and it’s just “business”. Besides, you can still help me out with a little bits of love from Mr. Benjamin. Don’t look at me like that! I know you have it. You just released your tax returns, you gave 10 Million dollars to charity last year! Well guess what, this year, I’m your favorite new non-profit. And I take donations of cash, check, VISA, moneyorders,diamonds, gold, jewels, and even certain types of copper pipe, provided you didn’t gank it like a tweaker and I can actually recycle it.

Oh, yeah, and pork, too. You know you can always buy me off with ham. I really like the HoneyGold Spiral Sliced one from Hickory Farms. A 12-16#’er would work great, thanks! Oh, but please hurry, I sure could use one for Easter. Oh yeah, and while you’re at it, would you just be a snickerdoodle and throw in some Cheddy Brots?

Yeah, Cheddy Brots.

You’ve never had ‘em? Wow. Fuck. I would have thought a gourmand such as yourself surely would have had a Cheddy Brot or two. They’re all the same delectable bratwurst goodness of a traditional Hickory Farms German-style snausage, but they piped some EZ Cheez right in!

You should try one. They’re the shit.

Oh, yeah, but that’s right, you’re not really into sausage, are you?

That’s right, that’s why Billy Boy had to do the Lewinsky. GOTCHA.

But I do like sausage, so yes, those Cheddy Brots we discussed…would be deelightful. Oh, and while you’re there, may as well pick up another Beef Stick & Cheese. And get some of those cute petit fours. Those sure are tasty. And ask them if they have a meat spread. I’m sure they do, they have to, they’re Hickory Farms for God’s sake.

Look, just check with me before you leave. I’ll have a complete shopping list ready for you.

Oh. Just remember though, should you somehow snag those Soopa Delegate votes and end up nailing the nomination and you DO end up running for president…Um, I will sneak up behind you at some point and kick your ass and take my damn job back. Just so you know.

Fuck Yeah!

Honey…I’m home!!