I don’t know….I’m not so sure I can trust you now.  It’s those shifty eyes. I seeeeeeee it in those shifty eyes.

Not that I’m saying that YOU are shifty. No, no, that’s not where I was going with that. YOU are not shifty.

Now sheisty…that’s a different story.

Um, you can just turn DOWN the ‘tude, mmk?  Don’t be impatient! That is not a virtue! And I am a virtuous woman, so yous best be on your best behavior if yous thinkin’ I’s gonna tell you sumpin bout Miss LeDonna heyaah. * Word!*

How does one elucidate the unelucidatory? And furthermore, how does one elucidate when they don’t know the hell elucidate means? I didn’t get much past elementary school, so I think I missed the lesson on elucidation.

Nice word though. Yeah. Sounds fancy. Really High Fallutin’.

So, where we?

Oh yeah, LeDonna. It’s just I though you already knew all about her, I can’t believe you don’t already! Everybody else does. You haven’t heard of LeDonna? What rock have you been trapped under? DUH! It’s not just LeDonna we’re talking about here, but it’s THE LEDONNA. She’s a worldwide sensation! The One, The Only 100% Original and 36.75% organic LeDonna. She’s changing the way the world is viewing the world.

NO, NOT MOTHERFUCKING MA-DONNA!!! LE-DON-NA!!!

GOT IT?      OK.  fuck!

LeDonna is complex. She cannot be so easily explained. She is no one trick pony. No, she absolutely knows at least three, maybe even four tricks. She defies stereotypes. She refuses to be pigeonholed. Mainly, because she is afraid of pigeons and really doesn’t want to be alone in a hole with them.

LeDonna is dynamic. She may possibly be diabetic, we’re still waiting for the lab results. It wouldn’t surprise us, she eats a lot of sugar. And possibly a tad dyslexic. She is definitely DY-N0-MITE!!! And, she loves dinosaurs, particularly the stegosaurus.

LeDonna is transcendent. Her skin is so thin and pale it is almost translucent. Her diet is high in trans-fatty acids. When she wears too much makeup, she tends to look like a transvestite. However, she is not, but she is friends with a number of transexuals. No, I am not going to make a joke about Translyvania now. That would be predictable and lame.

LeDonna is the air we breathe, the earth between our toes, the water with which we wash our clothes, and the fire we char just about anything that is beefy or porky…oh yeah, she’lls cook a chicken too!

LeDonna is life, love, laughter, liberty.  She is lightweight,luscious, low-calorie.  She enjoys lasagne,lollipops,linguine, lutefisk, lard and lipids. But not liquor anymore, because her liver doesn’t love her. She owns several works of Lipchitz and a Lipizzaner stallion. Her mother is from Louisiana.

Lithe,limber,lissome are not words that would accurately describe LeDonna. Let’s look at labels like loafish,leadfooted, lunkhead,listless,lame. Lothario. I mean, -a, Lothari-a. But not a lesbian. No, really, I’m serious, she’s not a lesbian.

LeDonna is also la chica loca,looney-toons,is on lithium, and is a good candidate for a lobotomy. She also attended the first Lollapalooza. She’s also one of those annoying narcissistic fucks who refers to themselves in the third person and drives everyone nuts. She probably also speaks in one of those irritating fake British accents.

(She does.)

LeDonna loves you! And Lampreys too! And llamas,lipsticks,leggings,loop-de-loos,Laverne and Shirley…

OK,OK,OK, enough. Enough of the fucking “L’ shit, we get it, we all get it now, ok? OK.

Lovely.