11
May
08

My New Favorite Song

Falling Down – Scarlett Johansson

Damn you, Scarlett Johansson. I’m trying to hate you here, with all of your pouty-lipped seductive perfection. That was supposed to be me who loved in the elevator with Benecio  Del Toro.  Seriously! He was looking for me, but there you were, already in the elevator shaft , obviously lookin’ for some shaft, then Benecio walks in and you just jumped on that poor man like a spider takes down the fly, and you not only sucked out his life blood, but you  defiled him, in an act of lewdness so vile it was a mockery of that horrible Aerosmith song. You heathen hussy! He was supposed to be MINE! The latino men all love ME. ME. Not you! You already have every white man in America hot for you, at least leave the latin love for me. Thank God! for Benecio, don’t worry my love, there will be other days, other elevators, more  opportunites.  You will not cock-block me next time, O Ye Scarlett Wench!

Oh but yeah,  your new song is really kick-ass.  Seriously, I really, really love it.  I have to hand it to you, I wasn’t expecting anything nearly this cool coming from the likes of you. I had pegged you as more of a Jay-Z or P-Diddy protege. Maybe called “Scar J”, or something like that. I could see you all hooched out with scarlet sequined booty pants and a matching red vinyl bra to show off your “gurls” { editors note: Scarlett refers to her boobs as “her girls”}, and maybe a funky fresh grill with “Scar J” in rubies. From a distance, all that red on your teeth could look like bleeding, like maybe you’d been punched by your baby’s daddy or had a bad case of the meth mouth.

Ok, no, that’s not true. Sadly, I know Scarlett is not that kind of girl. I have to resign my self to admit not only is she breathtakingly gorgeous, she is immensly talented. There! You happy! I said it. I am waving my white flag. I surrender to the splendor of Scarlett.  She got me on that SNL show she hosted.  I was hooked, I became a believer, not a hater.

 Seriously, the song is great and I am really looking forward to hearing the rest of the record. From what I’ve read, NME has given it stellar reviews, calling it “brilliant” and “sure to top some best of 2008 lists”. And I always stand by my NME as an excellent gauge of musical authority…unless they’re talking about Coldplay. {Sorry! I just could never get into them. Possibly…due to a subliminal Gwyneth Paltrow resentment connection. Oh, and that thing about Chris Martin sounding like a congested muppet, or  like Dave Matthews  but having an asthma attack. BTW… WHY did they name their kid APPLE?” Thankfully it wasn’t a multiple birth, or we would’ve had sisters Pear” , “Plum” and Apricot”.  (Actually, I think she already has a friend named Plum, as in Plum Sykes, author of Bergdorf Blondes and occasional contributor to Vogue. How I know this, I have no idea, especially since I have no intrerest in Gwynneth or her boring perfect life. Really.) I can’t even begin to fathom the fruity name they would come up with for a boy.  What fruit would be suitable to name a boy after? There really aren’t very many “manly” fruity names. I guess if you name a man after a fruit, it would be like calling him a fruit, and that would be a bit offensive to the gay community. Well, I suppose if there were a boy, she could just name him Tomato, and shorten it to to Tom. That’s right, tomato is indeed a fruit, and quite a masculine one at that. I love a good, rich, hearty, beefy tomato. Even more so when it sits atop a rich, hearty, manly patty of beef.  Sigh. Yum.

Oh, sorry…I got lost in my dreams of hamburger.  Wake up!

You know,  it really would have been hilarious if Gwynnie would have had a whole litter of pups, she could nickname the gang “Her Little Fruit Bowl!”} (and she would have to say it just like Butters on South Park)

Whoa Nelly! . Now that’s what I  call a tangent!

Kudos to Scarlett, anybody who can take Tom Waits music and work it into something that doesn’t make me want a lobotomy when I hear it…has magical abilities, and I am in awe.

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1 Response to “My New Favorite Song”


  1. 1 tAnkwipe
    July 13, 2008 at 8:03 pm

    Love this! Great stuff.


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