15
Mar
10

Something Funny I Did To One Of My HS Lit Teachers

Current mood: amused
Category: Life

No, I didn’t leave a flaming bag of poo on her desk. That was my Government instructor.

When I was a senior, one of our assignments was to write some poetry somewhere along the vein of Plath, something somewhat “confessional”. Now normally, I would be well up to the challenge, as I loved to write…well, I loved to write up until the point when I discovered I loved even more getting drunk and high with my homies after class. So, like mostly every piece of school work I turned in that year, I cheated. However, instead of copying off the paper of one of my unwitting classmates, I decided it would be much more fun to just plagarize. No, I did not have much of a moral compass. No, I did not grow up to be a sociopath. Only Antisocial. There is a difference.

I chose three (at the time) obscure songs by artists I was 99.9999% Mrs. Perry had never heard of…and turned in their lyrics as my own poetry. It was brilliance, sheer brilliance, I’ll tell ya.

So, the year was 1988. Wanna take a stab at what I chose? No, it wasn’t “You Give Love A Bad Name” (although it was a contender) nor was it “Only In My Dreams” (Debbie Gibson for those who need their memories refreshed!) or “Here I Go Again”- although a lyrical masterpiece- not quite the message I wanted to convey.

I wanted something dark, nefarious, and songs that took a metaphorical snapshot of all the demonic wretchedness churning deep in my gut (no, and it wasn’t just gas, simpleton motherfucker). So, here they are, complete with lyrics for your bent-over-double laughing so hard hilarity:

1) I Know I’s Over- The Smiths
* I had recently broken up with who at the time I thought was my one and only true love of my entire life, then and forever, even though we’d only known each other, like 4 months. I will leave out said asswad’s name, because I am a lady, and also because I’m about to let the world know exactly just what a douchebag he was. But hey, we were kids right? It doesn’t matter that he ripped my heart out and stomped on it with his Doc Martens until it was the consistency of a can of Spaghettios. We get over these things. Which is why I hexed him long ago with a plague of hideous maladies, such as athlete’s foot and testicular chafing. Anyways, here’s the song, with it’s glorious lyrics:

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well. Enough said.
I know it’s over – still I cling
I don’t know where else I can go

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me ?
Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly

(Though she needs you
More than she loves you)
And I know it’s over – still I cling
I don’t know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over

I know it’s over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said :

“If you’re so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you’re so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you’re so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you’re so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know …

‘Cause tonight is just like any other night
That’s why you’re on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they’re in each other’s arms…”
It’s so easy to laugh
It’s so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over, over
It’s so easy to laugh
It’s so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is Natural and Real
But not for such as you and I, my love

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

Hee!

OK, here’s the 2nd– “Blasphemous Rumours”- by you know whoDepeche Mode:

Girl of sixteen, whole life ahead of her
Slashed her wrists, bored with life
Didnt succeed, thank the lord
For small mercies

Fighting back the tears, mother reads the note again
Sixteen candles burn in her mind
She takes the blame, its always the same
She goes down on her knees and prays

I dont want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him laughing

Girl of eighteen, fell in love with everything
Found new life in jesus christ
Hit by a car, ended up
On a life support machine

Summers day, as she passed away
Birds were singing in the summer sky
Then came the rain, and once again
A tear fell from her mothers eye

I dont want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him laughing

And all that wasn’t uplifting enough…I picked a gem off Yaz’s “Upstairs At Eric’s” (NO, not SITUATION!) called “Winter Kills”:

Green in your love on bright days
You grew sunblind you thought me unkind
To remind you how winter kills

Lost in daydreams you drove too fast and got nowhere
You rode on half fare when you got too scared
How winter kills

Tear at me searching for weaker seams

Pain in your eyes makes me cruel
Makes me spiteful tears are delightful welcome your nightfall
How winter kills

I turn this all in laughing inside, figuring surely she’d see through my wall of shite and flunk me immediately and quite possible sentence me to some lovely time in SAC (basically in-school suspension). But quite hilariously…not only did she accept it, but I got a huge A+! Along with a little note:

“LeDonna, you are enormously talented but I’m afraid this is a bit disturbing. I am arranging for you to meet with the counselor immediately.” Great! I go for an easy A, I end up with a psychiatric eval. I guess that’s what I call instant karma.!

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