Dancing With The Stars? What galaxy are we talking about here?

I do love watching Dancing With The Stars, like many, it is a guilty pleasure as sick and addicting as consuming gross amounts of raw cookie dough, jager shots, or my obsession with daytime dramas. However, I just have to laugh at some of the casting choices, and this season is no exception. It just makes me wonder, if we are dancing with the Stars, what solar system are they hanging in? Because I just don’t see any of these stars up in the horizon of my sky.

Perhaps because some of the Stars aren’t really “Stars” (and I capitalize because the “Star” is “Famous”) , but more like “Supermassive Black Holes”.

Actually, I found most of the cast to be quite charming, as Buzz Aldrin is just adorable and I can’t get enough of Niecy Nash. However, I’m surprised, I would have expected a bit more “boom boom” out of her and her bodacious bootiliciousness, as in the realm of what Pam Anderson pulled off. And I just have to say she was freaking awesome. So striptastically trashy and gaudy, she was a sight to behold.  Although, she is looking a bit leathery and weathered in the face, teetering on the edge of drag-queendom. Still, loved her!

I find it funny that the show always casts one or two people who obviously have a superior technical advantage and have the best shot of being the ace in the hole, and one or two painful clods that you know stand no chance  fresh out the gate.  It’s sad, but you know they were only put there for the sake of becoming human pinatas for the audience and judges to beat down, mock and destroy. I mean come one, seriously, what type of performance did you expect from Buzz Aldrin? The man walked on the moon, but that doesn’t mean he can “moonwalk”, or bust a move like Micheal Jackson, or even Fred Astaire for that matter. To compare his dancing abilities to that of the leader of a hip-hop/burlesque dance troupe or the grace of the Gold Medalist in Men’s Figure Skating is just laughable. But I guess the powers that be know this, it’s all a part of creating good dramatics and suspense. If they were all fantastic, it might be a little boring. Or, maybe not.

But I have to take this opportunity to berate, hate and eviscerate on Kate Gosselin…I mean come one, this one just puts herself out there to be beaten like a dead horse. And apparently, she dances like one as well. Poor thing, she’s just got two left hooves.

My beef with Kate is I think the same as most people’s. That she comes across as a boorish, toffee-nosed media whore who rather shamelessly exploits her kids and attempts to play on public sympathies in order to perpetuate her own fame. I mean, come on…she claims she “has to be” on Dancing With The Stars because she’s a “single working mom” who has to “support her family”? Ha ha ha freaking ha ha! Really? As if seriously, that was her ooooonly option to put food on her kids table was to play Dress-up Dancing Barbie , get a weave and shake her ass like a maraca on public tv? And really, she doesn’t even shake it that well, it’s like a maraca in the hands  of someone touched by arthritis and completely devoid of rhythm. Oh but wait! She’s a “mother who has earned the right to have some fun! Why can’t a mom just have some fun?”

Sure you can have some fun as a mom. But when you’re the mother of 8 children mauled by the breakup of their family and having to witness and process all of daddy and mommy’s nutjob bad behavior and have their lives sodimized by the intrusion of media attention and lack of healthy stability and normal social interaction…fun might include some quality quiet time parenting your children and spending time with them. I dunno, maybe it’s just me.

One time I was flipping channels and I caught her and Jon on the 700 Club of all places, and the piece must have been fimed right when their reality show was first being taped, because they were just yammering on and waxing poetic about their love of God and commitment to their children, and what a blessing it was for Kate to have spawned a whole litter of Gosselin pups, and their children were the center of their entire universe!

It must have been early on because Kate had not been yet gobbled up by the Fame Monster, and Jon hadn’t suffered whatever stroke or other brain injury that launched him into his painful identity crisis/personality malfunction.

You know, I might not be God, or ever her Agent or Manager, but I am savvy enough to think up one or two or maybe 20 ideas on how to support her family that do not include scarring her children for life and securing her win for 2010 Narcissist Of The Year.  Let’s take a look at some of those ideas, shall we?

Kate Gosselin, if you were really serious about being a good parent and role model, but wanted to capitalize on the media exposure to generate an income for your family, I’m sure you could have easily partnered with sponsors like the Pampers people, or Toys R Us, or do spots for Gymboree!

Hell, do ads for Disneyland! At least the kids would be having some fun and you wouldn’t look like some fame-crazed shrew. What, are you too much of a diva for Mickey? Apply to be the next Disney Princess! Then you can be a positive influence on your kids AND keep your weave and rock a tiara!

Or, if you must be a gratitious attention slut, and exploit your kids, why not make the kids the main attraction? Hell, you know folks over at TLC? How great would it be to put your kids on the pageant circuit and take Toddlers and Tiaras to a whole new level! They would be all over it like Nicole Simpson’s blood on O.J.’s knife. If not, you know VH-1 would pick it up! Then they could give all your kids cute nicknames and you’d be locked into Celebreality Central for all eternity. Next would be Kate+8 Have A Real Chance At Love. And you know those kids are gonna have issues, so you’ve got Tool Academy, Charm School, and Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew all in the bag!

You need to start thinking outside of the box instead of with your box Kate, and put those kids first!

I’m just hoping America does her a favor and votes her off soon, otherwise I think I’m going to have to have a talk with Child Protective Services.


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