Archive for the 'bains of society' Category

29
Dec
10

And Isn’t it Ironic!

And who would have thought? It really does figure!

I find it highly, highly amusing and am really tripped out by the synchronicity here….

So, If you (who care) can recall, I believe it was Ryan “Sexiest Man Alive” Reynolds who ditched (and whyyyyyyy, because “you outta know” that if you do this, she’s gonna write a really hateful song about you) Alanis Morrissette back in 200-oh wtfeverland, because he was so sooper hot he was gonna bag the world’s most favorite ooberbabe ( or shall I say, ‘booberbabe’? ) Scarlett Johansson.  Which he did, he bagged her, dragged her and tagged her as his wife, in a union that at the time I thought was kind of weird, because at the time…did anyone ***really*** know who Ryan Reynolds was?

So now, it looks like Ryan’s choking on a little jagged little pill called Scarlett Johansson dumping his **truly** handsome ass, leaving him with his own case of Scarlett Fever, and his own ‘Scarlett’ Letter to boot (the letter would be be “D” for dumbass, that’s what I’m thinking). So where exactly do they put Scarlet Letters these days…do they get branded on the ass, like a cow? Or are they still embroidered on a handsome ascot or kerchief of some sort? I guess the new hip way would be to get it tattooed, like on your forehead. Now that would make a statement.

The even funnier piece to complete this sad little travel puzzle for those who wear helmets, is that Alanis has moved on, and actually managed to spawn her new baby boy in an almost astrologically brilliant touchdown move that coincides and actually somewhat trumps the date of the filing of her former estranged lover’s divorce petition. Huzzah~!!!!!!! Ah ha ha. Exquisite.

And the even BETTER part…the lil’ box o’ massengill apparently has gone back to Alanis for “support” during this tough time. I hope secretly, she kicked him in the ballsack, just a little, because obviously, he outta know by now, he had it coming to him.

I think maybe Ryan and Dave Coulier should get together and maybe start their own little support group, where they could meet up at the movies and reminisce about their happier times with Alanis.

CDInsight.com – News: Alanis Morissette Gives Birth to Ever Imre on Christmas Day.

 

Crap! I don’t like how these photos are going to layout, but I have no more freaking patience.

07
Apr
10

Kate Gosselin’s Paparazzi Dance (4/6/10)

I know it seems like I never get to posting anything until it refers to Kate Gosselin…I apologize, I really don’t mean for it to be that way. I just have been gearing up to go out to LA for a bit, so I get a little distracted. But her performance on DWTS Monday was so ghoulishly horrible, one can’t help but want to swoop in like a deprived vulture spotting the rotting corpse of Rush Limbaugh.

I love this bit Jimmy Fallon did, it would only have been better if maybe Conan had done it, as he is so lurkingly tall, it would have bumped up the Frankenstein element. I think it would be funny to play off her spooky stiffness and integrate her into a Michael Jackson “Thriller” spoof.

I have to say I am soooo glad she did not get voted off…watching her is such a beautiful trainwreck, and watching her reaction to criticism is even better. At times she seems to forget she’s not on a reality show, and when the camera pans to her, you catch her sulking and it’s just so delightful.

Remember now, she’s doing all of this for her kids. How marveleously martyrtastic of her to humiliate herself on such a grand scale for her kids! I’m sure they were looking for one more thing to add to their laundry list of reasons they wished fertility drugs were never engineered. Has she not scarred them enough? I can’t wait until they’re all in junior high and they’re complaining to their friends, “Yeah, it was really bad when dad ran off with all those skanks, but remember when Mom my mom was on Dancing With The Stars?” Yeah, that’s when I dove into childhood alcoholism. Yo GabbaGabba with some Sunny D and Stoli was the only way I could cope”.

I wonder what will be next for Kate after Dancing is done. I’m hoping maybe she’ll go running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper, and we’ll see he in a couple season’s on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. Oooh, or wait, that can come after VH1 tries to find her a new husband with three or 4 seasons of “Date N’ Mate With Kate”. Done! Damn, why do I not have a production company yet??? Would somebody bankroll me, pleeease? I’m sittin’ on a powder keg here people, and it’s ready to blow! (Pehaps for the health and well-being of society…it would be best that it did.) 😛

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31
Mar
10

Kate Gosselin to perform ‘Jon and Kate’-themed ‘Dancing With the Stars’ routine

March 31, 4:52 PMJon and Kate Plus 8 ExaminerJessica Carlson
While Kate Gosselin may have dodged a bullet on this week’s Dancing WIth the Stars, she might not get as lucky next week if a reported ill-conceived routine takes place.

According to E! Online, Gosselin and dance partner Tony Dolovani are in the midst of coming up with a “Jon and Kate Plus 8” themed routine for the “storytelling episode” of the show. Tony will take the roll of Jon, and they will attempt to somehow weave the tale of the drama that is the Jon and Kate Gosselin marriage and divorce into a short dance number. Should be… interesting.

While in theory there’s potential there to create a unique piece the likes of which nobody has ever seen in the 10 seasons of DWTS, Gosselin has not demonstrated so far that she has the dancing chops to pull it off, nor the ability to take direction to help gain the necessary skills — Dolovani nearly walked off the show after Kate’s recent hectoring about his dance teaching abilities. Keep in mind, Dolovani not only is a professional dance teacher, but as he pointed out on the show, he also professionally teaches dance teachers how to dance.

But that’s not stopping Kate from remaining positive. She told E!, “It’s my story over the past two years. We’re very, very excited. [It’s] dramatic. Oh my gosh, so much drama.”

Dancing With the Stars airs live Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.

31
Mar
10

Being sick sucks :(

Sorry folks, I haven’t been posting lately because I have been feeling rather under-the-weather. And I’m not quite sure why, but my illnesses always seem to align themselves with my menstrual cycle. Which just has to be proof of a larger, much more nefarious conspiracy at hand here. It it pretty obvious that there is some sinister force that is out to cripple me psychically or at the very least just really gets its jollies by metaphorically pissing on me while I’m down. Damn you satan, quit fucking with my fung shui. Leave me alone. Your attempts at derailing me and curtailing my acid-tongued malignment of your pitiful minions (I.e. Kate Gosselin and others) are weak and effects are short-lived.

I may have fallen down, but I can, and will get up. Thanks to my Life Alert Emergency Response Pendant (further proof there is a God), like The Phoenix I have risen from the ashes of my couch, and as Aerosmith and Gene Autry would say, I’m back in the saddle again. And although my senses are still a bit dulled (pleasantly) from overgorging on NyQuil, I’m sure I will find something sufficiently snarky to say in no time.

If I don’t puke first, then go back to sleep.

I will say, Kate did look sassy in that red get-up. It almost made up for her performance eroding into a sad gymboree play date with her kids.

19
Mar
10

Further Proof I Am Insane…LeDonna Tunes Into The ENTIRE VMA’s (Originally posted 9/08/08 on MySpace)

Further Proof I Am Insane…LeDonna Tunes Into The ENTIRE VMA’s
Current mood:  cantankerous
Category: Music

Yes, I am crazy AND I have no life. Indeed, I did throw away about three hours of my life I will never be able to get back. I didn’t intend to…it just happened. I was watching Jim Gaffigan on Comedy Central and there was an ad. I didn’t even know they were going to be on! That’s a step in the right direction, isn’t it? In the past, I’d actually PLANNED to watch them.

However, I must preface that alarming disclaimer by footnoting that I planned to watch prior VMA’s 1) In the presence and company of my daughter (primarily to provide parental guidance and proper censorship, NOT just a cheap pathetic attempt at bonding, as some might think. I assure you, it was not. That was when we watched American Idol.) and 2) If Justin Timberlake was performing.

DON’T JUDGE ME!!! “Justified” was an awesome musical force of nature. (OK, not really, but it was a dance-tastic cheese-a-rrific rock-you-body-good time. You know it was.)

Plus, this was the 25th Anniversary of the VMA’s! Surely, there were to be classic performances, favorite stars making impromptu appearances, montages highlighting great moments in VMA history…like stuff from back in the day when MTV actually broadcasted music…so I was kinda excited. Again, I hadn’t seen any of the hype or advertising in the weeks prior, so I honestly didn’t know what I was in for.

Wow, I wish I had. I would have added at least 3 hours to my sleep life.

There was nothing. It was a complete yawn fest. No drunken Britney. No Justin. No exciting suprise performances by the likes of old school faves like Madonna (a la ‘Vogue’-still hands down all time pinnacle of  VMA perfection), KISS, Fat Axl Rose, Van Halen reunion…nothing. Just motherfucking JONAS BROTHERS!!!!

Like Nancy Kerrigan wailed after her knee was pulverized by that guy with the weird name I can’t remember who was bangin TonyaHarding…”WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!” is exactly what I was screetching as I clutched my head in bewilderment.

Confusing me more was the inclusion of  Kid Rock. I am sorry, I am so perplexed over this one. MTV could have picked one of 1000’s of veteran badasses to step in for a song. Especially for the 25th Anniversary???? I guess maybe Madonna was busy with A-Rod, and Bono was out ending poverty again. What about Pearl Jam? Or REM? I’m not even huge fans, but it would make more sense than fucking KID ROCK!!!! What about Duran Duran?? Vintage MTV goodness. I just saw them on Ellen 2 days ago! they would totally be up for it! “Hungry Like The Wolf” is on Rock Band 2!! It just makes sense!

The Cure…Depeche Mode…Radiohead…Bueller…

Bueller…

F@ck…I mean, what about Def Leppard?!  VH1 loves them! MTV, you made them! I’m sure they would gladly give up a date on the casino circuit to play for you. Motley Crue! Prince! Michael Jackson! He certainly could use the money!  I can think of about 10,000 other acts I’d rather see than Kid Rock, and much more fitting for a 25th Anniversary special.  Just another good reason why MTV as a whole just needs to be obliterated. Tool Of The Devil, that’s all it is.

Kid Rock…uggh,so heinous! So much so, I refuse to call ‘Kid Rock’. I’d rather refer to you as ‘Baby Pebbles’. I find that more fitting. You make one- maybe two- white trash anthems…and bang Pam Anderson for 10 minutes…and now you’re a rock legend???? You may be king of the doublewide, but you ain’t no cowboy, much less a painful memory of a bad flash in the pan. Dude looks like a catfish! I actually saw him in Webster’s next to the entry for “BottomFeeder”. Seriously, I hear he swims around in a stagnant pool of water feeding off algae and his own poop.

His hair is thinner than mine!

Please, stop. You peaked with your cameo in “Joe Dirt”. ‘Nuff said.

Truthfully, although it was painful, I’m glad I tuned into the VMA’s as I ended up with a smorgasborg of great nonsense to make fun of and sound off about. So much so, it will take many entries to do so. I am going to subdivide my commentary based on topic, providing ease of reference for my beloved readers. All 3 of you. Unless I get bored and forget.

XOXO,

LeDonna
Your Favorite VMA Commentator EVER.

15
Mar
10

VMA Soundoff- My Intense Hatred For Katy Perry *Originally posted 2/10/2008 via MySpace

VMA Soundoff- My Intense Hatred For Katy Perry
Current mood:  pure
Category: Pets

***** ALERT! ALERT! What you are about to read HAS BAD WORDS IN IT. I REFERENCE BEASTIALITY AND OTHER  SEXUAL ACTS OF A (SOMEWHAT) PERVERTED NATURE.  NOT INTENDED FOR MY DAUGHTER OR ANY OF HER FRIENDS, CURRENT WORK COLLEAGUES AND ASSOCIATES, FUTURE POTENTIAL EMPLOYERS OF DEAD END JOBS, MY PASTOR, THOSE WHO UNFORTUNATELY ENJOY THE MUSIC OF KATY PERRY, THE LUGE COMMUNITY, AND SUFFERERS OF CHROHN’S DISEASE. YOUNG CHILDREN AND THE ELDERLY SHOULD VIEW ONLY UNDER THE SUPERVISION OF A PARENT OR AN INATTENTIVE TEEN WHO IS UNER THE INFLUENCE OF MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCES. YOU MAY EXPERIENCE NAUSEA OR SUDDEN BURSTS OF IDIOPATHIC DIARRHEA. THOSE WITH TEMPORAL LOBE DAMAGE OR ABNORMALITIES MAY EXPERIENCE SEIZURES OR UNCONTROLLABLE SPASMS OF THE BLADDER. YOU MAY FALL DOWN AND NOT BE ABLE TO GET BACK UP. CERTAIN RESTRICTIONS MAY APPLY> OKAY, I’M DONE NOW.

So you kissed a girl.
Well woohoo, good for you, Miss Katy Perry, you talentless bucket of lusciously long-legged cow dung. I’m glad you pioneered this revolution, because certainly no one else would have ever, ever, figured it out.

I so very much cannot stand Katy Perry. No, not cause she’s prettier than me or anything. Huff. I’m not THAT shallow and insecure. I am perfectly comfortable waddling around in my rapidly-aging skin. You guys should know me better than to just assume I dismiss any hot young vixen I feel remotely threatened by.

Hey, I rock my elderliness. And again, I’m learning that maternity pants have many fun fashionable functions, even when you are not with child. I like elastic panels and stretch denim. Really handy when I make my 10th trip to the starch bar at Old Country Buffet.

No, I hate Katy Perry because HER SONG IS RETARDED!!!!!!!!

A couple days before she was on the VMA’s I saw her on the TODAY show, and I’ll tell ya, I’m not sure which was the most uncomfortable…the 9-year-old girls bouncing together in unison, chanting every lyric, undoubted primed to make out all together on the way home hiding in the back compartment of mom’s mini van…

Slumber parties will never be the same!

“Hey guys, after we eat this pizza let’s make out like Katy Perry and those skanky girls on dad’s “Girls Gone Wild” DVD! Yay! Then we can play Barbies and do each others hair!!! Yay! Hey mom, you wanna play too?!”

But even MORE creepy was Hoda Kotb, who’s like in her 50’s, and Natalie Morales, who’s 36 and preggers…were arm-in-arm, bopping around singing like it was…I dunno…maybe Bon Jovi or something. LOL! I wonder if they looked at each other, in that certain way…and silently communicated…”Yeah Hot Stuff. You. Me. Kathie Lee. In the Green Room…NOW!”

However, the Creep-O-The-Week Award went to a very apparently aroused Matt Lauer and Al Roker, who were saliviating like she was a pork chop and making these weird wet stains in their trousers. Eeww. (I have more to say on this topic, but that’s another blog)

Then she turns up on the VMA’s, singing a really bad cover of “Like A Virgin”, followed up by her catchy little lesbo ditty. I just realized, I had had enough.

And why? Not because I feel like she’s encouraging young girls to try out lipstick lesbianism…with all the bump ‘n grind ass action prevalent in todays media…we all get plenty of exposure to that. And whatever, if you want to kiss girls, cool, that’s your choice. I don’t think it should be particularly peddled to young girls, but that’s not the root of what gets me.

What gets me is girls with marginal talent making risque songs and using them to launch themselves to fame.

I mean, you saw it a bit with Madonna…let’s face it, she is obviously less talent than she motivation. But she was sort of the pioneer of embracing one’s sexuality (“Inner Slut” as I like to call it) and profiteering from it. Had there been no “Like A Virgin” just at the right time, and just more “Holidays” and “Borderlines”…would she really have broken out the way she did? Hmm. I think not. At least not until she put out that book of hers where she got nekkid with Vanilla Ice. (Eeww.)

Also…you got Alanis Morrissette, going down on Uncle Joey from “Full House” (Another massive “Eeww”) in her menstrual angst fest “You Outta Know”.

(Sidebar on that note- Here is a PSA from me to all mens out there…Please, if you have to date Alanis Morrissette…although, I cannot see why you’d want to, she looks kinda like a bonafide American Saddlebred….but hey, maybe that’s what you’re into…please, please, please, do not break up with her. Especially if she has gone down on you in a theatre, and for God’s sake, don’t dump her for Scarlett Johannson. You will have a very angry and hard to listen to record made to avenge your infidelity. Tread lightly, my friend. Tread lightly.)

Then you got the likes of Peaches, going on about father fucking and fucking the pain away…and she was nothing more than a low-rent neuvo Karen Finley, who with her “Tales Of Taboo”…well, as an ’80’s club kid, that was just about as explicit as you could get.

The example that really kills me though is Liz Phair and her “Exile In Guyville” back in 1991. Holy Shit, did guys get off on that one. Here is this really rather plain girl, kinda scrawny, with an average at best voice…who just happened to make a rather amaturish record detailing her love of fucking and blow jobs. Combined with some saucy pics of her half-naked with a guitar, or in a fur coat and bikini…and blammo! A star is born!

I remember certain guys would be so into her, and I would say, “Dude, it’s kinda alright..but it’s not all that!”

“But she gives BLOW JOBS!” was the usual retort.

Really? Wow! What are those? Are they like Charms Blow Pops? I sure do like those!

Really? She gives blow jobs? Really? You mean, just like me and every other twentysomething girl in America?????? Amazing!

Have you never had one?

Were you really fat, and girls just didn’t like you? Really, I just could never get it, the fascination with her and all of lame ass oral sex references.

Are you Amish?

Or did you just suffer from really bad acne as a teenager?
But, then I soon learned…I am a girl. I don’t particularly want to hear songs about other girls giving head. But I also have to say, I would be kinda creeped out by a song blatantly stating that a guy was gonna eat me out like he was at his favorite sushi bar.
(I’m sure there is a song out there somewhere, it just gratefully escapes my mind.)

You know, if I would have known all it would take to make me famous is write some raunchy, tongue-in-cheek songs about getting laid and sucking guys off, I would have released the anthology of coming-of-age classics I had been working on for The Time Life Library. The idea was is you would subscribe, and every month you would receive an exciting new title in the “Man. Does LeDonna LOVE To FUCK!!!!!” collection.

With easy monthly installments of only $9.99, every month, arriving in your mailbox, was your own personal treasury of gems like:

* 20 Cock-Sucking Classics
* 20 More Great Love Songs To Suck Cock By
* I Love Cock N’ Balls (Inspired by Joan Jett)
* Wow, I Love To Fuck
* Boy, Do I Love Balls
* Hey- Random Dude! Do You have A Cock! Well, I’d Like To Suck It!
* Once You Go Black
* Do You Really Want To Nut Me? 20 Great New Wave Classics To Get Pregnant By
* Did I Mention I Like To Fuck? 20 More Songs To Remind You In Case You Forgot
* Sure, Group Sex Is Kewl
* I Love It In The Ass
* I Dig Dildos, But Cock Is So Much Better
* Oh, OK, I Guess I’ll Eat You Out Too
* My Oh My…Please Come In My Eye

…And many, many more! It was great, with your first payment you were supposed to receive my special LeDonnatron Vibe-O-Matic 2000, a pair of Ben-Wa Balls, and a full set of steak knives.

Then, I had Alex. Got married. Had to put my passion for writing great fuck songs aside, and focus on family.

However, In light of this whole Katy Perry thing, I feel like I need to step up and get my 15-minutes of fuck-induced fame. But now, we’re all so jaded. We’ve had the blow-job songs. We’re kissing girls. And anal sex…well, that’s just so yesterday.

If I want to get famous writing something raunchy, I have to break new territory. So, after much thought, I took some inspiration from my little dog Trixie and the excited way she humps my leg…or arm…neck…whatever…and decided to “touch” on the theme of beastiality, but in a fun, playful way, not in some sick horse or goat fucking way. (Eeww.)

I am doing a cute little parody of Ms. Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”…but instead focusing on my dog. Keep the tune in mind. It’s raw, edgy…I think you’ll like it.

It goes something like this…(imagine italics, I’m on a mac and don’t have a compatible text editor)

** I kissed my dog/and I liked it
The taste of her Iams diet
I kissed my dog /you should try it
Don’t worry she don’t bi-yi-et

It felt so good
It felt so right
It’s 2008 don’t be so damn uptight
Her hair jet black
Ears perked upright
Guess who’ll be my bitch tonight **

Whatdya think? I think I’ve got a hit. Katy Perry, look out…




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