Archive for the 'Domestic Violence' Category

29
Dec
10

And Isn’t it Ironic!

And who would have thought? It really does figure!

I find it highly, highly amusing and am really tripped out by the synchronicity here….

So, If you (who care) can recall, I believe it was Ryan “Sexiest Man Alive” Reynolds who ditched (and whyyyyyyy, because “you outta know” that if you do this, she’s gonna write a really hateful song about you) Alanis Morrissette back in 200-oh wtfeverland, because he was so sooper hot he was gonna bag the world’s most favorite ooberbabe ( or shall I say, ‘booberbabe’? ) Scarlett Johansson.  Which he did, he bagged her, dragged her and tagged her as his wife, in a union that at the time I thought was kind of weird, because at the time…did anyone ***really*** know who Ryan Reynolds was?

So now, it looks like Ryan’s choking on a little jagged little pill called Scarlett Johansson dumping his **truly** handsome ass, leaving him with his own case of Scarlett Fever, and his own ‘Scarlett’ Letter to boot (the letter would be be “D” for dumbass, that’s what I’m thinking). So where exactly do they put Scarlet Letters these days…do they get branded on the ass, like a cow? Or are they still embroidered on a handsome ascot or kerchief of some sort? I guess the new hip way would be to get it tattooed, like on your forehead. Now that would make a statement.

The even funnier piece to complete this sad little travel puzzle for those who wear helmets, is that Alanis has moved on, and actually managed to spawn her new baby boy in an almost astrologically brilliant touchdown move that coincides and actually somewhat trumps the date of the filing of her former estranged lover’s divorce petition. Huzzah~!!!!!!! Ah ha ha. Exquisite.

And the even BETTER part…the lil’ box o’ massengill apparently has gone back to Alanis for “support” during this tough time. I hope secretly, she kicked him in the ballsack, just a little, because obviously, he outta know by now, he had it coming to him.

I think maybe Ryan and Dave Coulier should get together and maybe start their own little support group, where they could meet up at the movies and reminisce about their happier times with Alanis.

CDInsight.com – News: Alanis Morissette Gives Birth to Ever Imre on Christmas Day.

 

Crap! I don’t like how these photos are going to layout, but I have no more freaking patience.

08
Apr
10

Narcissism Begins At Home

Hee Hee Hee Freaking Hee. Looooove this new Tiger Woods commercial for Nike. It is so creepy, I almost can’t stand it except it’s so amazingly, God-awfully Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat! (Sorry, had to throw in the Tony The Tiger bit, I know, infantile.) Who the hell comes up with this shit? I mean, are his handlers for real? Are they subconsciouly trying to make Tiger look ever more like the soulless alien sociopath he really is? It is just fascinating to me that after all he has been through, having all his inner kinks splayed and exposed to gazillions of people, being crowned Chief Executive Royal Douchebag, Master Asshole Supreme, Sargent McWags-His-Dick…you name it…there really is, truly, no real sense of shame. I mean, I don’t really see it. It all comes off as being way too canned and contrived.

In a scandal where the perpetrator is widely criticized as being stiff and insincere…why in God’s name would you film a commercial that I would imagine is supposed to be some sort of positive pr…that captures the subject in a bizarre catatonic goggle, and in splendidly grim black-and-white no less, with the disturbing disembodied voice of his dead father piped in? What the hell? Did the Art Director whip out his ouija board and channel Hitchcock’s direction from the grave on this one? Maybe Tiger has a secret Polanski fetish…would not be surprising, actually. It just boggles my brain as to why, if you are trying to make the man more family friendly, wholesome, and honorable, would you not perhaps have a commercial with Tiger…and his family! (Quite possibly because they truly can’t stand to be in his presence) Or at least, hey, they’res the Tiger we know and love GOLFING! That’s a novel idea. Or hell, eating a hamburger, kissing a baby, visiting the elderly…doing something normal at least, anything…anything! Anything besides him just standing there like he’s rehearsing for a cameo role in a remake of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.

You know, I get the angle I think they were really aiming at. I think this was supposed to show a serious, reflective Tiger, ruminating on the words of his father. That would have worked perhaps, if they were able to capture an expression on his face that actually looked like he was thinking about something. Something other than perhaps eating your children.

And I love the voice over they picked! Out of all the sound bites available to them, they picked the one that leaves Tiger most wiiiide open for ridicule. I love it! Loooove it! Nike should just go ahead and fashion a commemorative Tiger Woods pinata for scorned wives everywhere to bash with glee and abandon. Or better yet, a faux Tiger carcass that can be hung in various Albertson’s parking lots across America for wanton stoning and picking apart by the frenzied masses, like Benito Mussolini. Tiger effigies would be pretty cool too. I think I’m going to burn one tonight after dinner.  .

So you hear his dad asking Tiger these questions, and I’d like to fill in the blanks to what I believe was floating around in Tiger’s potentially vacant head.

“I want to know what your thinking was…” (Hookers. Oh yeah, and Me. Money. Golf. Hookers.)

“I want to know what your feelings are…” (Feelings.  Hmm. Not sure what those are. I am a sociopathic android. I feel like I like hookers, money, sex, golf, and myself. Oh, and hot wings. Yeah, I really do like those.”

“And I want to know, what have you learned?” (I have learned to always, always, always! Delete text messages to my hookers, porn stars, blow up dolls, vicodin dealer, etc. etc. Always. And take Elin and the kids out Wednesdays and Friday nights, stay home Monday and watch ‘Dancing With the Stars’. This will create the illusion I love them. Oh, and season passes to theme parks. can’t forget those.)

On a final note, I think that Tiger’s decision to play in this year’s Masters speaks volumes to the truth belying his character. The man has won 4 jackets already. I’m sure he will win many more. What would it hurt for him to take a year off and focus on his family, rather than his public image and bank account? I hear a lot of people-primarily men- rooting for Tiger “to just get back to what he does best, playing golf!” Sure, let Tiger go out and play…after he has taken some time to really try to make things right at home. It’s beyond obvious his wife is not happy about his choice to play, which is why she is in Sweden, while her husband is out trying to reprove to the world just what an incredibly big penis he is. I mean, has. It’s all about the “Wood”, you know?

Men like Tiger make me vomit in my mouth just a little, because at the end of the day, it really is still all about him, and there is so little true accountability for his actions. While on the surface, there are these lame emotionless apologies cast out like memos designed to cover his metaphorical ass, they are a thin veil that barely covers the bulging (lol I said “bulge”) muffintop that is his ego and sense of entitlement. I’m sorry, I just truly believe that a man who really wants to show his wife and the world he has truly changed, would be channeling his sole focus on his family, not his career, especially since this guy obviously is not feeling too much of the effects of a “tough economy”. (Hell, sales of many of his endorsed items have increased! I’m sure purchased by other men who cheat on their wives in an attempt to create a “band of brothers”, bonded together by mutual douchiness, self-absorbtion, and adultery) Dude can more than afford to take some time off and hang with the wife and kids. You know Tiger, like the kid you say you felt so bad about missing his first birthday because you were in SEX REHAB…hellllloooo…it is NOT NORMAL to miss your child’s FIRST BIRTHDAY because you were in SEX REHAB! Hello, are we casting for VH-1 Celebrity Tool Academy yet? I think we have a winner! And by the way, you know what the name of his rehab facility was? “The Gentle Path”. WTF? Really? The gentle path to what? Why aren’t these places called “Camp Boot Up Your Freaking Ass?” or “Enter Here For 28 Days of Being Socked Upside The Head Repeatedly With A Petrified Nerf Bat”? The only gentle path there needs to be for manturds like Tiger is a gentle path to a good ass-whooping.

So, again, Daddy…why are you not with your son NOW, and instead of being off playing GOLF trying to reprove you are KING OF THE MOFO’ING WORLD?????!!!!! Do you not care that your kid is going to get into kindergarden and be like, “what do you mean your daddy didn’t cheat on mommie with a dozen trampy hobags and then leave for a long time to go into sex rehab and miss your birthday and then make it up to you by taking off to spend time playing a really lame sport with a bunch of elitist codgefarts when he could have been home playing putt-putt with you? Huh? Really? I thought that’s what all celebrity dickhead daddies did!”

Where are your priorities, really? And shame on the men who support his behavior and think, just let the man play golf! Why? Cause you want him to be vindicated and you can vindicate yourselves on some level vicariously through him? It’s really sad. So many men are still so chauvinistic and seem to feel this great sense they are entitled to stuff their man snausage into any and every female orifice they find arousing, and women are just supposed to spread their legs, like it, shut up, and leave politely when they are asked to. Oh, and don’t forget to thank Sir Cocks-A-Lot for the privilege of his time and touching his penis. He did, after all, buy you a dinner or two.

And don’t  dare have any care or feelings for Sir Cocks. No matter he told you how beautiful, wonderful, special, fabulous you were, perhaps bought you gifts or at least a couple of drinks. Why should you take stock in the fact he said he cared about you…as a person. Certainly he cared about you as a person! You are a person with a vagina that is much warmer and more pleasing than a blow-up doll. Plus you are a person that can make him feel special, important, sexy, manly. See! You are very, very useful to these sorts of chaps. You are vital to stroking the penis, stroking the ego. After all, there is only so much of  the aforementioned the man can do himself. Please, be a love, help a fella out! It’s exhausting being the center of the universe! It really is the least you can do. Think of it as a public service, something that all good female citizens must do, kind of like voting! And hey, remember that we are lucky we get to do that!

Ok, I’ll stop now, before I start to sound like Alanis Morrissette. Eew.

23
Apr
08

My F’in’ HOT New Look! (you are gonna be soooo jealous!)

Just got back from the hot new Fancie Farms Mega Mormon Hair Hut And Style Emporium down the street, I decided my current look had grown a bit stale, and I just wasn’t feeling so pretty any more. Since I am all about keepin’ up the hotness at all costs, I decided to turn myself in to the beautah authoritahs down on the Farm, and treat myself to their fabulous Quaker Queen (TM)PolyPro Ultimate Prairie Princess Day Spa Experience and All-You-Can-Eat Root Vegetable Buffet! Lemme know what you guys think:

Sassy, no? I really dig the singular brow, it’s a fresher look and so much easier to maintain than two seperate ones. I’m just way too on-the-go to mess with all that. And I hope I can recreate the pompadour by myself at home…I have my hairgami tool and a tub of Dippity Doo, hopefully that will help. Check out the back:

Sexy, huh? And I love, love love the retro colonial-cuteness of this frontierswoman frock with the sporty shoes! Really edgy, it’s like Pioneer Punk! In the fall, I’m gonna rock the same shape, but in jewel-tone velvets and maybe a leopard-print. Fierce!

And here I am striking a pose with two of my Style Sisters, looking coy and sweet for our new husband, Mr. Clegg DeAaron Jeddies. I can’t stand it, he is such a hottie:

I know, I know, I’m a lucky woman. I wasn’t expecting him, but he was a bonus gift since they were running low on fennel and parsnips at the buffet. I have to share him with about 16 other girls but I don’t mind, I think of it as sorta like a timeshare.

21
Apr
08

And while we’re on the subject…

This little guy here is a purple ribbon, which is often worn by many women who are survivors of domestic abuse and violence and is meant to symbolize courage, strength, hope, faith, and new beginnings.

But I just have one question, guys…

Purple???

Isn’t purple the international symbol of the bruise? I know we’re supposed to be recognizing domestic violence, but that’s kinda twisted. Aren’t we supposed to be celebrating the recovery of the victim, and not of the victim’s body? (Get what I’m saying here) Instead of purple ribbons that remind us of bruises, shouldn’t we perhaps have skin-colored ribbons to signify happy, healthy flesh that hasn’t been smacked, pinched, or poked with a fireplace poker. I spend a lot of time at Joanne’s and I know there have been great strides made in the field of ribbon design- I’m sure we can find a flesh-tone-friendly ribbon suitable for all skintones. (very pc, mai oui?)

I mean, when I think of the color purple, I think think of bruises. Or maybe Prince. Or that dastardly and frankly disturbing child molesting dinosaur Barney. Oh, and sometime times, Whoopi Goldberg, remember, she was in that movie The Color Purple? You know, the one that was all about slaves, and violence against black people and women and kids and stuff?

Wait a minute- I’m sensing some sort of a connection here. Is that where the domestic violence people got the idea for the purple ribbon, from the Whoopi Goldberg movie? And wasn’t Oprah in that, too? That must be it, I get it now. But still, they could have thought about it a little bit more and came up with a color that was just a little more happy. Maybe they could choose a color from another one one Whoopi’s movies, like, Sister Act, Jumping Jack Flash, or Ghost. Well, maybe not Ghost. We’re gonna leave that one out of the mix for right now, we’ll have to go back to it later when searching for inspiration for the Patrick Swayze Pancreatic Cancer commemorative tribute ribbon. Guys, I say salmon’s a good choice for that one, dontcha think? It’s kinda the same color as a pancreas, right?

21
Apr
08

I sure do love to help. :)

I’ve decided to start volunteering recently, and happily, one of the opportunities that has come up is providing support to victims of domestic violence. It’s great, because this is absolutely one of the A #1 causes I am passionate about, so I’m excited to have a chance to get in there and do whatever I can to make a difference in these women’s lives. I’ve found that it can be a bit of a challenge finding a good volunteering gig, the really good jobs seem to already be taken. For instance, I went to Nordstrom and asked if they needed any help with advertising, for I would be happy to model any of their 1000’s of high-quality and fashion forward garments all around the downtown area. Oddly enough, the answer was a No!

Then I headed over to Gordon Biersch and volunteered my superior beer-tasting talents absolutely FREE OF CHARGE! just to be a good citizen and help them out in their QA department. I mean heck, it has to be tough for an outfit like themselves to consistently produce a great-tasting product, and I’m sure it would be helpful to have some folk on hand to serve as sort of a “frontline of defense” and save some poor elistist schmo from overpaying for a brew that might possibly even be just a skosh not up to snuff?

I was floored when I was politely shown the door and asked to never return. I even inquired about tasting opportunities with any of the new brews that were still in the development stage. I’d be happy to give those guys my opinion on how they taste! Plus, I’m sure I’d have some helpful feedback for them, after all, I have spent a lot of years swilling a LOT (and I do mean ALOT) of beers, and trust me, I know good beer when I taste it.

Again, the answer was NO! What is the deal with these people? Maybe I have something stuck in my teeth. And what was up with the arm-twisting thing the security guy was doing as he was escorting me out the door?? Dude just about ripped my arm off my shoulder. Man, what a jackass, that really hurt.

Oh, I guess it’s for my own good anyways. I don’t need to start drinking again. It was kinda early, anyways, I think it was like 8:00 in the morning. Now if it were 10? Maybe a different story. Ok, ok, I gotta focus now.

So yeah, the plan is for myself to provide encouragement and solutions by phone to callers who are seeking help to extract themselves from some sort of potentially dangerous situation. So I guess I’ll start out by being a good listener, assess the situation, then give them resource information and any helpful tips or perhaps some encouragement or advice. Which is great, because that is exactly what I am best at. 🙂

You know, one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in my journeys down this wide and rambling road we call life, is that every cloud really DOES have a silver lining. It’s true. Attitude is everything, and when it comes to life, it’s up to you to decide whether you’re going to put a positive or a negative spin on any given situation. And domestic violence is no exception.

I know there are a lot of “standardized ” wisdoms in the world of counseling victims of domestic violence, things such as “Yeah, if he hit you with a hammer,you should get that checked out”, and “Um, yes, sweetie, I think the part where your “partner” shot your mother and set the dog on fire, may indeed be a red flag”. Those sorts of things are kind of no-brainers, and honestly, I think I’m gonna feel a little weird stating the obvious to some of these women. In fact, most of them I’m sure have heard the same meaningless line of tripe crisis lines always tell callers anyway…they got the standard “run for your life” shpeel the last time Earl beat the living tarfeathers off their behinds. I’m thinking these women would really benefit if I could possibly bring something different to the table. So, I’ve been working on some fresh new twists on looking at the subject of domestic violence, and I think they’re really mighty encouraging. Take a look and let me what you think:

1) Yes, having been punched, choked, and grabbed from behind I’m sure was frightening and is horrible! But hey, it’s not gonna seem so weird or scary the next time someone tries to mug you!

2)Try to make dodging punches and bullets a bit more like a game. Try to imagine that you’re just acting out a real life game of Grand Theft Auto, or something else along those lines.

3)Try to make the most out of each trip to the courthouse when you’re filing your Order Of Protection paperwork. They’re a lot of really hot Family Law Attorneys down there, and if you’re on your game, you might just land yourself a sugardaddy. Stay away from the cops though. They’ve got the anger management issues, too.

4) Hey, you get priority placement for social services!

5) You know, you get great free samples of shampoo and stuff at those domestic violence shelters. Be smart and scoop up all the love you can!

6) If he’s stalking you, try looking at it as “Hide N’ Go Seek”. You know, think “Stratego”, make it a challenge! Oooh…where’s he gonna be next? Is he gonna be – here?? Noooo, ok…maybe he’s HERE hiding out in the bushes. Or will he find me HERE and be waiting for me behind the door with a butcher knife? See! Gives it a slightly more frothy, fun, frivolous feel, like “Where’s Waldo?”

7) You know girl, “bruise” is the new “black”. You didn’t hear about that? Guuuurrl, you better go on and work it NOW!

I’m totally stoked. It feels so good to be giving back and helping others. I’m sure if I keep coming up with more of these freshfaced words of hope and encouragement, I’ll be the hotline’s favorite counselor in no time. Maybe I could parlay this into like a full-time gig. Yeah, I think I may have just found my calling. Wait! I just came up with another one, listen to this:

“Don’t be sad about that shirt he just ripped right off you. See, use these shreds of fabric to make dandy fashion hair bows. Or, you can use them as bondage restraints to really put some extra sizzle into your make-up sex!” Good God, at times, my genius…




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