Damnit to hell, I get so angry when people forget my birthday, and leave it to me to turn around and (almost!) friggin’ forget my own mother’s. Damn you drugs and all the holes in my head that let all my memories fall out. Now I can’t remember jack-diddly-squat-except, that is, those who are unfortunate enough to forget my birthday.
Archive for the 'Fun Times' Category
Tags: 2010 was lame, and ready to rock you like a hurricane, back in the new york groove, but you were so wrong, haha, here i am, hey hey it's me again, i am back in the saddle again, i was only drunk or sleeping, matt foley, you thought i was dead
I have nothing better to do. Perhaps its time to drag the ol blog back out. Then I will play with it for about 10 minutes before I get bored…but in the meantime, I thought I may as well utilize it to post random crap and musings about the pathetic waste of time 2010 turned out to be, as well as document my new goals and visions for 2011. This should prove to be at least lightly entertaining, especially as we all know I won’t achieve any of them anyways. But man, was it fun thinking about all the great things I could be.
To celebrate my newfound spurt of quasi-productive energy, I thought I would post for you all a picture of my favorite motivational guru, as it was this person who inspired me to get off my lazy ass and do something with my computer time that did not involve gay porn, online mah-jong, or endless hours of Y&R episodes on hulu. You might think it’s Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz, or maybe even Tony Robbins, but it’s not. It’s this handsome guy right here.You know him, and I think you love him too.
I have really missed the opportunity to post anything much lately, as I have been the busiest little bee this past week traveling to LA and getting settled in. I don’t think I actually posted it on this blog, but I am going to be out here for at least the next six weeks, possibly through the summer…and if I become as intoxicated by the city as Randy Newman, I may be lovin’ it enough to stay even longer. I am here helping my longtime friend Alejandra out with fantastic new Mexican grill , Santito’s On Melrose, while her regular manager is out having surgery. I will be assisting her with the daily operations, some marketing and PR, and delighting her customers with my charm, humor, and laughably unfortunate inability to run a cash register without coming off as just a touch brain-damaged. Hey, it’s been like 13 years! Do you know how small those damn buttons are? And they’re like 1000 of them, one for every freaking item, side, drink, for here, to go go, delivery, no guac, add cheese, extra sour cream, would you like a handjob with that for only $1.00 more? Excellente!
Equally amusing is my inability to communicate with Senora Ava, who is as sweet as Mexican coke, and so adorable…and would be even more so if I could understand espanol. She works next to me running and finishing up the orders, and I’m supposed to assist her, but when she asks me to do something I just freeze like a retard and stand there like a deer in the headlights because I have absolutely no friggin clue what the hell she is saying. And she stares back at me waving forks and salsas screaming something repetitively in spanish that must only mean, “Stupid Gringa! Faster! Faster! No Bueno!”
I just want to go stand in the corner and punish myself by dousing my eyes with Diablo Sauce.
Anyone out there in the Hollywood area really should come by and catch me performing daily as the delightfully goofy token gringa with really poor eye-hand coordination at the new Santito’s on Melrose. You’ll get a tasty torta with a generous side of Lucille Ball. Delicioso!
I will attempt to post more frequently, unless maimed by an accidental run-in with a deep-fryer or something. Please keep checking back!
Tags: awesome and horriffic, dancing that will make you appear more coordinated, how to drive your children to a life of crime and substance abuse, how to effectively reduce your child's self esteem, media whores who get more than what they wished for, mommie dearest, poetic justice, really angry women, really uncoordinated women, so happy you exist because now I have something to laugh at, things I really shouldn't laugh about because it reserves a spot for me in hell, ways to scar your children, women who could use some chondroitin glucosamine before they try to dance on public television, women with vulture eyes, wow I am a really horrible person but oh well
I love this bit Jimmy Fallon did, it would only have been better if maybe Conan had done it, as he is so lurkingly tall, it would have bumped up the Frankenstein element. I think it would be funny to play off her spooky stiffness and integrate her into a Michael Jackson “Thriller” spoof.
I have to say I am soooo glad she did not get voted off…watching her is such a beautiful trainwreck, and watching her reaction to criticism is even better. At times she seems to forget she’s not on a reality show, and when the camera pans to her, you catch her sulking and it’s just so delightful.
Remember now, she’s doing all of this for her kids. How marveleously martyrtastic of her to humiliate herself on such a grand scale for her kids! I’m sure they were looking for one more thing to add to their laundry list of reasons they wished fertility drugs were never engineered. Has she not scarred them enough? I can’t wait until they’re all in junior high and they’re complaining to their friends, “Yeah, it was really bad when dad ran off with all those skanks, but remember when Mom my mom was on Dancing With The Stars?” Yeah, that’s when I dove into childhood alcoholism. Yo GabbaGabba with some Sunny D and Stoli was the only way I could cope”.
I wonder what will be next for Kate after Dancing is done. I’m hoping maybe she’ll go running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper, and we’ll see he in a couple season’s on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. Oooh, or wait, that can come after VH1 tries to find her a new husband with three or 4 seasons of “Date N’ Mate With Kate”. Done! Damn, why do I not have a production company yet??? Would somebody bankroll me, pleeease? I’m sittin’ on a powder keg here people, and it’s ready to blow! (Pehaps for the health and well-being of society…it would be best that it did.) 😛
Um, Why Is The “Fascinated” Emoticon The Exact Same One As “Accomplished”?
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Religion and Philosophy
I was just going back and reviewing my blog posts for today, and I noticed something really disturbing.
On one blog, I expressed my mood as being “accomplished”. Now, granted, this was an attempt at being subtly and slyly ironic, as it was a blog clearly aiming at exposing what a fuck-up I am.
Regardless, my sarcasm was awarded a cute turquoise emoticon face with a great big “shit-eating” grin, complete with the illusion of three big teeth.
That was all good and fine. Until, I should add, that I posted another blog on MGMT where I said I was “Fascinated”.
I realized…I got the same damn emoticon!
I took a second look and really scrutinized the second emoticon closely, as I didn’t want to unfairly label an emotion as being a copy cat unless it really and truly was.
Hmmm. Yep. It appears to be pretty fricking close. It is round. Turquoise. Same shit-eating grin. Wow. I feel kinda duped.
Not ONLY is it a lazy and slothful excuse of emoticon production by the Emoticon Production Team of MySpace…I mean, I don’t know about you, but part of the fun of adding an emoticon is about seeing exactly what crazy little face will the emoticon be making at me this time????!!!!
Will it be yellow, with crazy googly eyes, or will it be red, with angry eyebrows and steam coming out it’s ears? Will it be surpised? Quizzical? Will it be sticking it’s tongue out at me? Silly emoticon, always such a jokester! I don’t know, and that’s the best part. I’m expecting the emoticon to surprise me each time with it’s spot-on interpretation of my deepest innermost feelings and desires.
Which means…theoretically…in a morally, decent, functional and correct society…every distinct emotion should have its OWN distinct emoticon.
Emotions are vast rivers of depth running deeply through the depths of a man’s soul. They are deep, and, deeply powerful. They are not to be taken lightly or for granted. And for the love of God, they should be respected enough to have a distinctive AND accurate emoticon to represent them.
Ok, the turquoise shit eating grin…may have someone effectively captured my sardonic twist on “accomplished”. But “fascinated”? especially when discussing MGMT?
No, I don’t think so. I would say a fleshy pale face with flushed cheeks, softly drooling mouth with tongue partially exposed salivating lightly, with large blue eyes dewy with lust/catatonia, rimmed with smoky black eyeliner and finished off with Lancome Definicils. (It’s a classic!) Now that would be a far more accurate facialization of the feelings I was feeling.
Get it right, MySpace.
Release date: 2008-01-22