Archive for the 'Fun Times' Category

29
Dec
10

OH Sh!!!!t, I almost forgot my mother’s birthday

Damnit to hell, I get so angry when people forget my birthday, and leave it to me to turn around and (almost!) friggin’ forget my own mother’s. Damn you drugs and all the holes in my head that let all my memories fall out. Now I can’t remember jack-diddly-squat-except, that is, those who are unfortunate enough to forget my birthday.

29
Dec
10

What the hell why not?

I have nothing better to do. Perhaps its time to drag the ol blog back out.  Then I will play with it for about 10 minutes before I get bored…but in the meantime, I thought I may as well utilize it to post random crap and musings about the pathetic waste of time 2010 turned out to be, as well as document my new goals and visions for 2011. This should prove to be at least lightly entertaining, especially as we all know I won’t achieve any of them anyways. But man, was it fun thinking about all the great things I could be.

To celebrate my newfound spurt of quasi-productive energy, I thought I would post for you all a picture of my favorite motivational guru, as it was this person who inspired me to get off my lazy ass and do something with my computer time that did not involve gay porn, online mah-jong, or endless hours of Y&R episodes on hulu. You might think it’s Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz, or maybe even Tony Robbins, but it’s not.  It’s this handsome guy right here.You know him, and I think you love him too.

14
Apr
10

Apologies!

Hey everyone-

I have really missed the opportunity to post anything much lately, as I have been the busiest little bee this past week traveling to LA and getting settled in. I don’t think I actually posted it on this blog, but I am going to be out here for at least the next six weeks, possibly through the summer…and if I become as intoxicated by the city as Randy Newman, I may be lovin’ it enough to stay even longer. I am here helping my longtime friend Alejandra out with fantastic new Mexican grill , Santito’s On Melrose, while her regular manager is out having surgery. I will be assisting her with the daily operations, some marketing and PR, and delighting her customers with my charm, humor, and laughably unfortunate inability to run a cash register without coming off as just a touch brain-damaged. Hey, it’s been like 13 years! Do you know how small those damn buttons are?  And they’re like 1000 of them, one for every freaking item, side, drink, for here, to go go, delivery, no guac, add cheese, extra sour cream, would you like a handjob with that for only $1.00 more? Excellente!

Equally amusing is my inability to communicate with Senora Ava, who is as sweet as Mexican coke, and so adorable…and would be even more so if I could understand espanol. She works next to me running and finishing up the orders, and I’m supposed to assist her, but when she asks me to do something I just freeze like a retard and stand there like a deer in the headlights because I have absolutely no friggin clue what the hell she is saying. And she stares back at me waving forks and salsas screaming something repetitively in spanish that must only mean, “Stupid Gringa! Faster! Faster! No Bueno!”

I just want to go stand in the corner and punish myself by dousing my eyes with Diablo Sauce.

Anyone out there in the Hollywood area really should come by and catch me performing daily as the delightfully goofy token gringa with really poor eye-hand coordination at the new Santito’s on Melrose. You’ll get a tasty torta with a generous side of Lucille Ball. Delicioso!

I will attempt to post more frequently, unless maimed by an accidental run-in with a deep-fryer or something. Please keep checking back!

07
Apr
10

Kate Gosselin’s Paparazzi Dance (4/6/10)

I know it seems like I never get to posting anything until it refers to Kate Gosselin…I apologize, I really don’t mean for it to be that way. I just have been gearing up to go out to LA for a bit, so I get a little distracted. But her performance on DWTS Monday was so ghoulishly horrible, one can’t help but want to swoop in like a deprived vulture spotting the rotting corpse of Rush Limbaugh.

I love this bit Jimmy Fallon did, it would only have been better if maybe Conan had done it, as he is so lurkingly tall, it would have bumped up the Frankenstein element. I think it would be funny to play off her spooky stiffness and integrate her into a Michael Jackson “Thriller” spoof.

I have to say I am soooo glad she did not get voted off…watching her is such a beautiful trainwreck, and watching her reaction to criticism is even better. At times she seems to forget she’s not on a reality show, and when the camera pans to her, you catch her sulking and it’s just so delightful.

Remember now, she’s doing all of this for her kids. How marveleously martyrtastic of her to humiliate herself on such a grand scale for her kids! I’m sure they were looking for one more thing to add to their laundry list of reasons they wished fertility drugs were never engineered. Has she not scarred them enough? I can’t wait until they’re all in junior high and they’re complaining to their friends, “Yeah, it was really bad when dad ran off with all those skanks, but remember when Mom my mom was on Dancing With The Stars?” Yeah, that’s when I dove into childhood alcoholism. Yo GabbaGabba with some Sunny D and Stoli was the only way I could cope”.

I wonder what will be next for Kate after Dancing is done. I’m hoping maybe she’ll go running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper, and we’ll see he in a couple season’s on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. Oooh, or wait, that can come after VH1 tries to find her a new husband with three or 4 seasons of “Date N’ Mate With Kate”. Done! Damn, why do I not have a production company yet??? Would somebody bankroll me, pleeease? I’m sittin’ on a powder keg here people, and it’s ready to blow! (Pehaps for the health and well-being of society…it would be best that it did.) 😛

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31
Mar
10

Kate Gosselin to perform ‘Jon and Kate’-themed ‘Dancing With the Stars’ routine

March 31, 4:52 PMJon and Kate Plus 8 ExaminerJessica Carlson
While Kate Gosselin may have dodged a bullet on this week’s Dancing WIth the Stars, she might not get as lucky next week if a reported ill-conceived routine takes place.

According to E! Online, Gosselin and dance partner Tony Dolovani are in the midst of coming up with a “Jon and Kate Plus 8” themed routine for the “storytelling episode” of the show. Tony will take the roll of Jon, and they will attempt to somehow weave the tale of the drama that is the Jon and Kate Gosselin marriage and divorce into a short dance number. Should be… interesting.

While in theory there’s potential there to create a unique piece the likes of which nobody has ever seen in the 10 seasons of DWTS, Gosselin has not demonstrated so far that she has the dancing chops to pull it off, nor the ability to take direction to help gain the necessary skills — Dolovani nearly walked off the show after Kate’s recent hectoring about his dance teaching abilities. Keep in mind, Dolovani not only is a professional dance teacher, but as he pointed out on the show, he also professionally teaches dance teachers how to dance.

But that’s not stopping Kate from remaining positive. She told E!, “It’s my story over the past two years. We’re very, very excited. [It’s] dramatic. Oh my gosh, so much drama.”

Dancing With the Stars airs live Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.

19
Mar
10

Um, Why Is The “Fascinated” Emoticon The Exact Same One As “Accomplished”? Originally posted on Myspace 09/05/08

Um, Why Is The “Fascinated” Emoticon The Exact Same One As “Accomplished”?
Current mood:  annoyed
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I was just going back and reviewing my blog posts for today, and I noticed something really disturbing.

On one blog, I expressed my mood as being “accomplished”. Now, granted, this was an attempt at being subtly and slyly ironic, as it was a blog clearly aiming at exposing what a fuck-up I am.

Regardless, my sarcasm was awarded a cute turquoise emoticon face with a great big “shit-eating” grin, complete with the illusion of three big teeth.

That was all good and fine. Until, I should add, that I posted another blog on MGMT where I said I was “Fascinated”.

I realized…I got the same damn emoticon!

I took a second look and really scrutinized the second emoticon closely, as I didn’t want to unfairly label an emotion as being a copy cat unless it really and truly was.

Hmmm. Yep. It appears to be pretty fricking close. It is round. Turquoise. Same shit-eating grin. Wow. I feel kinda duped.

Not ONLY is it a lazy and slothful excuse of emoticon production by the Emoticon Production Team of MySpace…I mean, I don’t know about you, but part of the fun of adding an emoticon is about seeing exactly what crazy little face will the emoticon be making at me this time????!!!!

Will it be yellow, with crazy googly eyes, or will it be red, with angry eyebrows and steam coming out it’s ears? Will it be surpised? Quizzical? Will it be sticking it’s tongue out at me? Silly emoticon, always such a jokester! I don’t know, and that’s the best part. I’m expecting the emoticon to surprise me each time with it’s spot-on interpretation of my deepest innermost feelings and desires.

Which means…theoretically…in a morally, decent, functional and correct society…every distinct emotion should have its OWN distinct emoticon.

Emotions are vast rivers of depth running deeply through the depths of a man’s soul. They are deep, and, deeply powerful. They are not to be taken lightly or for granted. And for the love of God, they should be respected enough to have a distinctive AND accurate emoticon to represent them.

Ok, the turquoise shit eating grin…may have someone effectively captured my sardonic twist on “accomplished”. But “fascinated”? especially when discussing MGMT?
No, I don’t think so. I would say a fleshy pale face with flushed cheeks, softly drooling mouth with tongue partially exposed salivating lightly, with large blue eyes dewy with lust/catatonia, rimmed with smoky black eyeliner and finished off with Lancome Definicils. (It’s a classic!) Now that would be a far more accurate facialization of the feelings I was feeling.

Get it right, MySpace.

Currently listening:
Oracular Spectacular
By MGMT
Release date: 2008-01-22
17
Mar
10

Happy St. Patty’s day!

You know, I think it’s sad most people limit celebrating St. Patrick’s Day by wearing green and getting drunk. This year I am creating a new tradition. I am only speaking Gaelic today and surprising folks with spontaneous bursts of Riverdancing.

30
Apr
08

Great New Quick Fix Meal Idea!

Where have you been all my life!???!!

CHEESEBURGER-IN-A-CAN!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

Yes, the bun,cheese and the condiments are included.

Too busy to grill up a hearty cheeseburger meal for the family, or even swing by the local fast food joint to pick up something pre-made? No worries, mi amigo. Convenience and portability have reached new all-time highs thanks to the ingenuity and culinary prowess of out German compadres. Yes, the same folks who brought us the trusted taste treats of sauerkraut, leberwurst (liver sausage) and schwarzsauer (blood soup), have managed to take the perfection of their homeland creation the Hamburg Steak, top it with cheese and a bunch of other savory accoutrements, and wait-the fun doesn’t just stop there- OH NO! Those crazy yodelin’ lederhosen-heads went off and figured out how to keep the great taste of a cheeseburger alive forever, or at least 5-7 years with the current average shelf-life expectancy. How? By cramming that sucker into a tin can, that’s how! Now you can take a whole bushel of cheeseburgers with you wherever you go! Toss ’em in your backpack! Keep ’em in the trunk of your car and have em ready the next time you break down, have a flat, or need to feed that young chinese boy you just abducted before you rape, torture and mutilate him. Of course you want your victims to have a delicious and nutritious last meal! If you’re lucky, you just might taste a hint of that cheeseburger yourself when you sit down to eat him. Yum! Double Deelite!

Cheeseburger-In-A-Can also makes a great gift! I use it as a stocking stuffer. Alex just loves it.

Cheeseburger-In-A-Can is quick and easy to prepare! Simply pop open the can and steam it using a double-boiler method. No double boiler? No worries, just try sticking it in the bathroom sink and let it warm up while you take a shower, or hold your iron up over the top of it and keep pressing the steam button. In about 30-45 minutes, your tasty cheeseburger should be at least lukewarm enough to keep yourself from gagging it up while you cram it down your maw. Now, how exactly do I know it’s ready you ask?  You’ll know Cheeseburger-In-A-Can is at it’s peak flavor profile when it looks like this:

Note the patty will be a uniform shade of greenish-grey. All Cheeseburgers-In-A-Can are precooked to a temperature of 165 degrees to ensure the prevention of nasty food-bourne illnesses. No sorry, no medium rare special orders here! Cheeseburger-In-A-Can wants you taste healthy goodness in every chewy, slimy bite, not the taste of bacterium and parasites! Yuk-O!

Don’t try to microwave Cheeseburger-In-A-Can, it just doesn’t work as well. Instead of a soggy glop of yeasty gump, your bun will magically petrify into a tooth-crushing magnesium-limeshale crust which is just murder on those fillings in your molars.

Cheeseburger-In-A-Can unfortunately is not readily available in stores, but you can order it pretty easily on line. The cost and the wait are well worth it. I’ve enjoyed Cheeseburger-In-A-Can so much I’ve ordered their new side dishes Taters-In-A-Can and Chicken Caesar-In-A-Jar. MMMnnnn! I can’t wait!

29
Apr
08

YAY ALEX!!!!

Yo GO GUUURL!

I know who really loves me. My boo Alex is more than happy to accompany her fatuous maternal unit to the Wild Waves sooper kewl happy times funtastic waterpark. Yay Alex, you just made my day. Now I can put off all thoughts of suicide until at least after the May 31 Big Splash event, it’s gonna be so much fun, with all the innertubes and my favorite Christian recording artists are performing! Yay! I’m gonna go buy my sunscreen and fake tan-in-a-bottle right now!

But before I go, I just want to give a quick shout out and props to my kick-ass baby girl, who just kicked to the curb her dungnugget of a boyfriend and showing him the importance of treating a young lady with the utmost kindness,love and respect, and never to take her wonderfulness for granted. Hopefully he will recognize now that she is gone that he has lost out on a beautiful, charming, dynamic and funnier than hell sugar cookie of a girl. That’s what you get hosehead! Pay attention next time, if you get to be so lucky.

Yay Alex!!! I am so proud of you! You rock my world. 🙂 Keep up the good work, sweets, and I’ll see ya at the Hooks Lagoon activity pool!

29
Apr
08

Will YOU Please Go To Wild Waves With Me? *please*

I know it’s not quite warm enough yet, but it will be soon. And I really, really, really want to go to Wild Waves. I saw a commercial today for this new casino with this kick-ass waterpark, and it just got me all excited for summertime again. And since I really shouldn’t be going to casinos-not because of the gambling, but because it’s on an indian reservation, and no doubt it’d spark a drinking binge for me-the next best thing is our sooper-cool Six Flags ThemePark Enchanted Village/Wild Waves!!!

(Actually, the Enchanted Village part is really gimpy. It’s more like those cheesy portable rodeo carnivals with the ancient rickety rides you’re sure are going to collapse and fall apart on you, crushing you to death in a smoking heap of rust of cracked plastic) But the Wild Waves part really is hella fun and sooper kewl. I’m designing my own waterslide that I hope the Six Flags people will buy from me, I think it would be a runaway smash sensation with both kids and parents and even old folks alike. It would be called the LeDonna Lee Lightening Locomotive (TM) Liquid Luge (and FunTime Silicone Lubricant wading Pool). It would look something like this:

Now I know what you’re thinking, it LOOKS like it would just be any other regular old waterslide, but oh no, this one is different. Rather than cascading down the twisted mountain of loops, curves and swerves on water, (so yesterday!) you and your friends will be gliding along a lightweight film of AstroLube, splashing down into an luxuriously exhilarating lagoon of cherry-flavored cellulose carbohydrate personal lubricant! (Banana flavor is available every Wednesday and the third Friday night of the month) Since it’s 99.3% water, it’s easily hosed off by our onsite Personal Powerwash SuperShower! And if you’re liking what you’re feeling, you can just continue the fun down at the LD Lover’s Lounge where you can frolic in the Hasbro(TM) Twister Tank, pin’ em down down at the MMA Brazilian Jujitsu Oil Wrestling Arena,or just turn down the lights and up the love in the LD Orgymatic Freelovin’ Nub Hut (maximum capacity 458 ) brought to you by Budweiser and our friends at Durex. Oh, and mark your calendars-next summer I hope to add on the bodacious LeDonnarama Disko Bootie Barn and Anal LuvHut. See you all there!

I’m really sad, because my boyfriend refuses to go to Wild Waves with me. He says swimming in public pools is unsanitary, and he picked up the ringworm one time when he went to a waterpark as a kid. Personally, I think he just doesn’t want to admit he probably got it from himself. {I know what a secret poop-picker upper he was when he was a kid. Ooops, I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that.} Sorry, hun. Besides, I’m not afraid of anybody’s funky old ringworm! I have my own chiggers and body lice, that’ll scare any old puss-ass ringworm away! Shoo!

I think this deep-seeded desire for aquatastic beachtime summer fun stems from a deficit from my childhood. As a young adolescent, I was overweight and abhorrently pale, and would rather endure the flames of a thousand fires than expose the world to my obscene fleshiness in a bathing suit or shorts.As a result I rarely spent much time in the sun (which lead to the vicious circle of continuous pastiness and obesity, as one generally cannot get a tan if their skin is never exposed to the sun, and one cannot shed pounds if their lard ass refuses to move). There was one time that I gathered up enough nerve to go to Waterworld with a few of my other calorically-challenged friends. Here we are posing for the camera in an effort to appear happy, footloose and fancy-free:

Of course, I’m the one one the right, the redhead. (I always made sure I was the runt of the litter, subversively choosing my friends that made me look thinner. I know, I know, it’s a self-esteem issue)

Also, I remember I was always trying to get my parents to take me out to a waterpark, or even to a neighborhood swimming pool. But they never really had the time, they were always busy working at the store. Finally, Mama caved in and got me this thing here to shut me up:

I’m not sure what that was, I think she emptied out one of her old plastic shoe bins. It was fun and all, but somehow, it just didn’t quite do the trick. My heart still yearned for just a little something more.

So please, would you please, accompany me to Wild Waves this summer! We can get a Season Pass, or maybe cash in some Pepsi Cans and get $5 off an EarlyBird admission. It’ll be fun. We’ll get matching sunburns, drink $6 fountain pops, and maybe even come out of it with an ear infection!! Yay!!! Thank you so much, you’re the best! I can’t wait! Woo Hoo! Yay!!!!! I’m goin’ to Wild Waves! I’m goin’to Wild Waves! (Insert “Happy Dance” here)




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