Archive for the 'Fun Times' Category

29
Dec
10

OH Sh!!!!t, I almost forgot my mother’s birthday

Damnit to hell, I get so angry when people forget my birthday, and leave it to me to turn around and (almost!) friggin’ forget my own mother’s. Damn you drugs and all the holes in my head that let all my memories fall out. Now I can’t remember jack-diddly-squat-except, that is, those who are unfortunate enough to forget my birthday.

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29
Dec
10

What the hell why not?

I have nothing better to do. Perhaps its time to drag the ol blog back out.  Then I will play with it for about 10 minutes before I get bored…but in the meantime, I thought I may as well utilize it to post random crap and musings about the pathetic waste of time 2010 turned out to be, as well as document my new goals and visions for 2011. This should prove to be at least lightly entertaining, especially as we all know I won’t achieve any of them anyways. But man, was it fun thinking about all the great things I could be.

To celebrate my newfound spurt of quasi-productive energy, I thought I would post for you all a picture of my favorite motivational guru, as it was this person who inspired me to get off my lazy ass and do something with my computer time that did not involve gay porn, online mah-jong, or endless hours of Y&R episodes on hulu. You might think it’s Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz, or maybe even Tony Robbins, but it’s not.  It’s this handsome guy right here.You know him, and I think you love him too.

14
Apr
10

Apologies!

Hey everyone-

I have really missed the opportunity to post anything much lately, as I have been the busiest little bee this past week traveling to LA and getting settled in. I don’t think I actually posted it on this blog, but I am going to be out here for at least the next six weeks, possibly through the summer…and if I become as intoxicated by the city as Randy Newman, I may be lovin’ it enough to stay even longer. I am here helping my longtime friend Alejandra out with fantastic new Mexican grill , Santito’s On Melrose, while her regular manager is out having surgery. I will be assisting her with the daily operations, some marketing and PR, and delighting her customers with my charm, humor, and laughably unfortunate inability to run a cash register without coming off as just a touch brain-damaged. Hey, it’s been like 13 years! Do you know how small those damn buttons are?  And they’re like 1000 of them, one for every freaking item, side, drink, for here, to go go, delivery, no guac, add cheese, extra sour cream, would you like a handjob with that for only $1.00 more? Excellente!

Equally amusing is my inability to communicate with Senora Ava, who is as sweet as Mexican coke, and so adorable…and would be even more so if I could understand espanol. She works next to me running and finishing up the orders, and I’m supposed to assist her, but when she asks me to do something I just freeze like a retard and stand there like a deer in the headlights because I have absolutely no friggin clue what the hell she is saying. And she stares back at me waving forks and salsas screaming something repetitively in spanish that must only mean, “Stupid Gringa! Faster! Faster! No Bueno!”

I just want to go stand in the corner and punish myself by dousing my eyes with Diablo Sauce.

Anyone out there in the Hollywood area really should come by and catch me performing daily as the delightfully goofy token gringa with really poor eye-hand coordination at the new Santito’s on Melrose. You’ll get a tasty torta with a generous side of Lucille Ball. Delicioso!

I will attempt to post more frequently, unless maimed by an accidental run-in with a deep-fryer or something. Please keep checking back!

07
Apr
10

Kate Gosselin’s Paparazzi Dance (4/6/10)

I know it seems like I never get to posting anything until it refers to Kate Gosselin…I apologize, I really don’t mean for it to be that way. I just have been gearing up to go out to LA for a bit, so I get a little distracted. But her performance on DWTS Monday was so ghoulishly horrible, one can’t help but want to swoop in like a deprived vulture spotting the rotting corpse of Rush Limbaugh.

I love this bit Jimmy Fallon did, it would only have been better if maybe Conan had done it, as he is so lurkingly tall, it would have bumped up the Frankenstein element. I think it would be funny to play off her spooky stiffness and integrate her into a Michael Jackson “Thriller” spoof.

I have to say I am soooo glad she did not get voted off…watching her is such a beautiful trainwreck, and watching her reaction to criticism is even better. At times she seems to forget she’s not on a reality show, and when the camera pans to her, you catch her sulking and it’s just so delightful.

Remember now, she’s doing all of this for her kids. How marveleously martyrtastic of her to humiliate herself on such a grand scale for her kids! I’m sure they were looking for one more thing to add to their laundry list of reasons they wished fertility drugs were never engineered. Has she not scarred them enough? I can’t wait until they’re all in junior high and they’re complaining to their friends, “Yeah, it was really bad when dad ran off with all those skanks, but remember when Mom my mom was on Dancing With The Stars?” Yeah, that’s when I dove into childhood alcoholism. Yo GabbaGabba with some Sunny D and Stoli was the only way I could cope”.

I wonder what will be next for Kate after Dancing is done. I’m hoping maybe she’ll go running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper, and we’ll see he in a couple season’s on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. Oooh, or wait, that can come after VH1 tries to find her a new husband with three or 4 seasons of “Date N’ Mate With Kate”. Done! Damn, why do I not have a production company yet??? Would somebody bankroll me, pleeease? I’m sittin’ on a powder keg here people, and it’s ready to blow! (Pehaps for the health and well-being of society…it would be best that it did.) 😛

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31
Mar
10

Kate Gosselin to perform ‘Jon and Kate’-themed ‘Dancing With the Stars’ routine

March 31, 4:52 PMJon and Kate Plus 8 ExaminerJessica Carlson
While Kate Gosselin may have dodged a bullet on this week’s Dancing WIth the Stars, she might not get as lucky next week if a reported ill-conceived routine takes place.

According to E! Online, Gosselin and dance partner Tony Dolovani are in the midst of coming up with a “Jon and Kate Plus 8” themed routine for the “storytelling episode” of the show. Tony will take the roll of Jon, and they will attempt to somehow weave the tale of the drama that is the Jon and Kate Gosselin marriage and divorce into a short dance number. Should be… interesting.

While in theory there’s potential there to create a unique piece the likes of which nobody has ever seen in the 10 seasons of DWTS, Gosselin has not demonstrated so far that she has the dancing chops to pull it off, nor the ability to take direction to help gain the necessary skills — Dolovani nearly walked off the show after Kate’s recent hectoring about his dance teaching abilities. Keep in mind, Dolovani not only is a professional dance teacher, but as he pointed out on the show, he also professionally teaches dance teachers how to dance.

But that’s not stopping Kate from remaining positive. She told E!, “It’s my story over the past two years. We’re very, very excited. [It’s] dramatic. Oh my gosh, so much drama.”

Dancing With the Stars airs live Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.

19
Mar
10

Um, Why Is The “Fascinated” Emoticon The Exact Same One As “Accomplished”? Originally posted on Myspace 09/05/08

Um, Why Is The “Fascinated” Emoticon The Exact Same One As “Accomplished”?
Current mood:  annoyed
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I was just going back and reviewing my blog posts for today, and I noticed something really disturbing.

On one blog, I expressed my mood as being “accomplished”. Now, granted, this was an attempt at being subtly and slyly ironic, as it was a blog clearly aiming at exposing what a fuck-up I am.

Regardless, my sarcasm was awarded a cute turquoise emoticon face with a great big “shit-eating” grin, complete with the illusion of three big teeth.

That was all good and fine. Until, I should add, that I posted another blog on MGMT where I said I was “Fascinated”.

I realized…I got the same damn emoticon!

I took a second look and really scrutinized the second emoticon closely, as I didn’t want to unfairly label an emotion as being a copy cat unless it really and truly was.

Hmmm. Yep. It appears to be pretty fricking close. It is round. Turquoise. Same shit-eating grin. Wow. I feel kinda duped.

Not ONLY is it a lazy and slothful excuse of emoticon production by the Emoticon Production Team of MySpace…I mean, I don’t know about you, but part of the fun of adding an emoticon is about seeing exactly what crazy little face will the emoticon be making at me this time????!!!!

Will it be yellow, with crazy googly eyes, or will it be red, with angry eyebrows and steam coming out it’s ears? Will it be surpised? Quizzical? Will it be sticking it’s tongue out at me? Silly emoticon, always such a jokester! I don’t know, and that’s the best part. I’m expecting the emoticon to surprise me each time with it’s spot-on interpretation of my deepest innermost feelings and desires.

Which means…theoretically…in a morally, decent, functional and correct society…every distinct emotion should have its OWN distinct emoticon.

Emotions are vast rivers of depth running deeply through the depths of a man’s soul. They are deep, and, deeply powerful. They are not to be taken lightly or for granted. And for the love of God, they should be respected enough to have a distinctive AND accurate emoticon to represent them.

Ok, the turquoise shit eating grin…may have someone effectively captured my sardonic twist on “accomplished”. But “fascinated”? especially when discussing MGMT?
No, I don’t think so. I would say a fleshy pale face with flushed cheeks, softly drooling mouth with tongue partially exposed salivating lightly, with large blue eyes dewy with lust/catatonia, rimmed with smoky black eyeliner and finished off with Lancome Definicils. (It’s a classic!) Now that would be a far more accurate facialization of the feelings I was feeling.

Get it right, MySpace.

Currently listening:
Oracular Spectacular
By MGMT
Release date: 2008-01-22
17
Mar
10

Happy St. Patty’s day!

You know, I think it’s sad most people limit celebrating St. Patrick’s Day by wearing green and getting drunk. This year I am creating a new tradition. I am only speaking Gaelic today and surprising folks with spontaneous bursts of Riverdancing.




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