Archive for the 'Parenting' Category

26
Apr
08

life is so unfair…but in a good way

This is me and my friends at 18, circa 1988:

Can you guess which one is me? Hint: I’m wearing something made out of stolen trailer park drapes.

Now, this is my daughter and her friends at 18:

Actually, they’re not quite 18 in this pic, but still??? WTF??? These kids all look like supermodels.! Me-I looked like a reject from a Depeche Mode video casting call. What the hell happened? Is it something in the water? What are we feeding these kids that’s causing them to mature so damn fast? We simply cannot be from the same genepool. My theory is I was kidnapped by the government and held unconscious for several days at a CIA Population Control Camp, where my own aesthetically inferior fetus was extracted and replaced by a genetically perfect cyborg babybot vastly superior in both beauty and intellect to her subpar maternal host. This was part of a covert environmental welfare initiative started by our nations leaders targeted at homely or odd looking individuals who have the potential to further pollute our nation’s landscape by spawning future generations of ugly children.Removal of the uncomely child was considered to be beneficial to the overall psychiatric well being of the parents, as well as the entire nation, because let’s face it-nobody wants to look at an ugly child, let alone be burdened with the awesome responsibilty of loving it and nuturing it for 18 years. It was a bold move by our leaders to drop the number of child neglect and abandonment cases nationwide, as well as a cooperative effort with Abercrombie and Fitch to secure their future customer base.

Indeed, this child is far too spectacular to be the authentic fruit of my womb. But I’m proud of her, and I love her as if she were a chip off the ol’ ovary. {Oh, and if you’re wondering what happened to all the left over ugly fetuses…I’m not sure, but I think the government recycled most of them into cattle feed, although I did hear of some going on to be used in some innovative new research and development in the health and beauty field, quite possibly extracting the collagen and other vital tissues to make some really kick ass lip-plumpers and wrinkle-fillers for the rich and celebutized. Which is great, if you think of it, because it’s using something that once would have been ugly, and using it to make something pretty and tolerable to the mutton-headed masses! Hoo-ray!

25
Apr
08

This is Alex

Hey everybody, I would like to introduce you all to the light of my life, my beautiful daughter Alexandra. She’s the one on the right. Which I guess is kinda obvious, as there is only one female in this photograph, and although her friend here is pretty, I don’t think pretty enough to confuse with a girl. But you never know these days with kids and all the gender-bender cornfusion so prevalent in today’s heathenistic paganized devil-worshipping youth culture. Damn trannies are everywhere, you don’t know who is what, and what’s an optical illusion. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m looking at a man, woman, something somewhere in between, if I’m suffering an acid flashback or if I just got something smudged on my glasses. Frankly, it’s frustrating.

I don’t even know who this kid is in this picture. But I’ll tell you what, he needs to get is damn arm up from around my baby, he’s a little to close for my comfort there and I don’t want to have to go grab my shotgun. Do you see his hand there on her knee? I swear these damn kids only have one thing on their minds, and that’s filth.

Would you believe my sweet little petunia there is 18 years old? I know I certainly can’t. It’s really hard for me to grasp that my tiny little sack of taters has blossomed up into a full-grown spud. It seems like only yesterday I was bottlefeeding her favorite blend of rice cereal and spaghettios, reading to her my favorite excerpts from Macbeth, and telling her fun fairy tales like the one about the Easter Bunny living outside the back of Walgreens in a cardboard box.( He needed to live close to where all the candy was, and Walgreens cut him a much better deal than that evil over-priced Eckerd Drugs. Alex and I were having an important conversation about entrepreneurship, and it was really helpful for me to paint a picture of how to launch a successful start-up using the legendary Easter Bunny Buisness Model Method.) Alex and I were just like the Gilmore Girls-if Lorelai and Rory were escapees from the psychaitric unit of some other planetary dimension.

That poor child deserves a Purple Heart for surviving 18 years growing up with me as a mother and living to tell about it.

You will be hearing many more Alex stories as this blog continues on. Some will be happy, some will be sad, some will be surprising,but you can guarantee that with Alejandra as the subject, all will be entertaining. (And don’t freak out on me, child, they will only be mildly embarrassing. 🙂

I love my woobie. *smiles*




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