Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

05
Jul
12

Slowdive-Crazy for You

31
Dec
11

I just realized

**a good number of my blog posts are about me bitching about not blogging**

Time to change that.

I will no longer start each new post whining about how regretful I feel that I haven’t been blogging regularly. I will now just blog. About. Whatever.

Which is sort of how I roll anyways.

Or, I will not blog at all.

Which will pretty much speak for itself.

There. I am empowered.

20
Apr
11

I think I’m entering my Golden Years. I think.

I am working on a parody for this poking fun at our crumbling economy and the collapse of the American Dollar! Hooray!

20
Apr
11

Jimmy Fallon, I’m Calling for You!

I am writing a song solely and specifically designed to categorically and methodically woo and fetch me one Jimmy Fallon. No, not for such nonsensical sexual purposes like you think I would be attempting to woo Mr. Fallon for. (Although, this girl could only dream). This is a song I am going to make a video to throw on You Tube and do my damndest to get his attention.  And honestly, in this crazy viral video age, I don’t think it’s going to be that hard. If Rebecca Black can do it, I sure as hell better be able to trump that.

It’ll be kinda like an audition! But better, because I’m sure I’ll flash my boobs. Oh wait, I guess I could do that in person too. I just know if I could spend just one hour…well, any length of time…face-to-face with Jimmy, he would see my talent, and he would love me. Period! I have years of material I have worked on and never shown anyone…lest I jinx its magic!  I have been saving it for one man. One man. One man that I seriously believe that if I could get an appointment with him, and had my goods together…we would be good to go. Solid Gold.

I am tired of dreaming. This is my life, and I’m about to make some magic happen, you just watch. 🙂

My song is cute. It is kick ass. And when the time is right…you’ll get to see it. 😉

30
Dec
10

Appropro

In light of Scarlett’s marital woes, I am dedicating one of her own songs to herself. I think she will find it it fitting, touching, winsome… or perhaps just  a touch annoying. But whatever. She’ll at least be happy that I was thinking about her, I’m sure. (*Yes, we are close like that*)

 

29
Dec
10

And Isn’t it Ironic!

And who would have thought? It really does figure!

I find it highly, highly amusing and am really tripped out by the synchronicity here….

So, If you (who care) can recall, I believe it was Ryan “Sexiest Man Alive” Reynolds who ditched (and whyyyyyyy, because “you outta know” that if you do this, she’s gonna write a really hateful song about you) Alanis Morrissette back in 200-oh wtfeverland, because he was so sooper hot he was gonna bag the world’s most favorite ooberbabe ( or shall I say, ‘booberbabe’? ) Scarlett Johansson.  Which he did, he bagged her, dragged her and tagged her as his wife, in a union that at the time I thought was kind of weird, because at the time…did anyone ***really*** know who Ryan Reynolds was?

So now, it looks like Ryan’s choking on a little jagged little pill called Scarlett Johansson dumping his **truly** handsome ass, leaving him with his own case of Scarlett Fever, and his own ‘Scarlett’ Letter to boot (the letter would be be “D” for dumbass, that’s what I’m thinking). So where exactly do they put Scarlet Letters these days…do they get branded on the ass, like a cow? Or are they still embroidered on a handsome ascot or kerchief of some sort? I guess the new hip way would be to get it tattooed, like on your forehead. Now that would make a statement.

The even funnier piece to complete this sad little travel puzzle for those who wear helmets, is that Alanis has moved on, and actually managed to spawn her new baby boy in an almost astrologically brilliant touchdown move that coincides and actually somewhat trumps the date of the filing of her former estranged lover’s divorce petition. Huzzah~!!!!!!! Ah ha ha. Exquisite.

And the even BETTER part…the lil’ box o’ massengill apparently has gone back to Alanis for “support” during this tough time. I hope secretly, she kicked him in the ballsack, just a little, because obviously, he outta know by now, he had it coming to him.

I think maybe Ryan and Dave Coulier should get together and maybe start their own little support group, where they could meet up at the movies and reminisce about their happier times with Alanis.

CDInsight.com – News: Alanis Morissette Gives Birth to Ever Imre on Christmas Day.

 

Crap! I don’t like how these photos are going to layout, but I have no more freaking patience.

07
Apr
10

Has No One Else Noticed The Irony In Tiger Woods’ Name?

Sigh. You know, all of this really, really, is too good to be true.

Further proof there is a God, and one with a sense on humor. I truly believe that there is power in a name, and this is a spectacular example of really, what is in a name?!

From the looks of the way his life has played out thusfar, it seems that the name “Tiger Woods” is indeed more than fitting and packed with a plethora of double entendres.

At first, I honestly thought his name was ridiculous. Also, you have to understand, I am really not a fan of golf. For me, no offense now to all my golfing fans (and indeed, there are so many of you!) , golf may just be the blandest, most boring, most yawn inducing sport on the planet. I mean, I guess how I see why it’s challenging. But I truly believe that golf was created by a bunch of wealthy people who wanted to pretend they were being “active”, while creating an environment where they could relax and enrobe themselves in their smashingly stuffy and snobbish splendor, promenade about  luxurious green pastures, lollygag in pristine clubs of the country, and ride around in jaunty fun carts all whilst sporting fabulous visors and madras plaid shorts. Preppy people needed a place to “prep” metaphorically speaking, in a social arena outside of mansions and preparatory schools. So they created the game of golf to accomplish this.

So, in my eyes, here we have this man who is about as exciting as early vegan dietary options, who looks to a little black on the outside, but on the inside is as about as  milky white as well…skim milk. He doesn’t even appear initially to be as full bodied as whole milk, let alone heavy cream. Tiger always appeared rather wimpy and anemic to me ,he was  limp and nerdy, very harmless and pastel,  not at all the image of a roaring,aggressive, flesh hungry beast on the prowl.

Boy, was I wrong!

Turns out, he embodies all the qualities his name  implies, and then some!

Turns out Tiger indeed a man with Wood.(s) plural, obviously. Lots of woods, lots and lots and lots and lots…of woods. And he is quite the “Tiger” . Grr. Gooooooooooo get ’em, Tiger! By the tail! Oh, but wait, that’s what he’s been doing already.

I wonder how influential those Kellogg’s commercials were in blowing up this poor boys ego. I can see him as a little boy on the green growling, “I’m grrrrreeeaat!”  every time he got a hole in one. You know if he was smart he could spin this thing and slap a suit on Kelloggs claiming they are responsible for planting the seed that germinated into his blooming Narcissus.

And I wonder, was it a “wood”, or  a “9-iron” that Elin “didn’t” try to clock him with that night of the crash? Hahaha! The  irony is killing me!

24
Mar
10

Another swig of Kate Haterade…I can’t help it, it’s just so thirst quenching and refreshing!

I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking up new ways Kate Gosselin could be making a decent living for her family that doesn’t involve her desperately flinging herself at the american public like an attention-crazed bint begging for approval. I think I may have just unearthed a secret talent I wasn’t aware that existed. I think perhaps I should offer to provide career counseling and public relations counseling for Ms. Gosselin. I’d do it for free though…after all, she is the struggling single mother of 8. I could probably even use it as a tax write off as a charitable contribution.

Not to mention I would have the feeling of joy and contentment that comes only with helping out your fellow man in need, and providing a much needed public service. We must all do our part in minimizing exposure to painful and demeaning poor choices made by Jon and Kate Gosselin. It’s as vital to our personal and environmental health as eliminating pesticides and protecting our water and food supply from toxins. Raw and unfiltered Gosselin has been proven to be highly toxic to our brains and psyches, causing metaphorical mental bleeding and lesions to the soul that are crippling and in some cases, lethal.

I just don’t understand why Kate is more focused on infamy, and the shallow glory of being famous just for being famous, rather than parlaying the benefits of her newly aquired status to good use by projecting herself as a positive role model and champion of single motherhood, importance of family and the health and proper care of children? And why the hell is she always being reported as traipsing around with this repulsive arrogance and unfounded self-importance? Did she start stealing her kid’s cough medicine  and sipping on the side? Did she look in the mirror one day and see J-Lo staring back at her? Did she forget her show was just a little “different” than the Real Housewives of …Anywhere? Stop smoking the Swarovski Kate, and drop the diva drama. Not attractive.

Kate, did you ever think about, since you just “have to travel”, going on the public speaking circuit talking to women about your story, confronting the difficulties with marriage and raising multiple children, but using your story to inspire women who are struggling with similar issues, providing them some hope and encouragement? I know, it’s kinda white-bread, but it would do far more to elevate your image as a devoted mother and set a much better example for her children. Plus, she could rake in big bucks for a single appearance! Like 30K for 1 hour. Tell me that won’t buy enough chicken and spaghettios for the crew. Look at what a cash cow Sarah Palin has become, just by being a speaker and commentator? And regardless if you thing she’s a loney tune or wingnut, you have to admit she does seem a bit more genuinely devoted to her family. You don’t see her shimmying her little political agenda in the faces of americans live Mondays and Tuesdays 8/7c on ABC. And I bet it’s not even because Fox would have a fit.

She could do televised play dates with other celebrity kids. Wouldn’t that be fun? A day at Disneyland with the Brangelina clan? Now we’re talking about ratings! And association with Angelina will make her look like a saint, just like her, cleverly masking the stench of psychosis and self-adulation that simmers quietly beneath the surface. Surefire win-win for all.

Another option- team up for a day of fun at The Neverland Ranch with the Jackson kids. Sure, the rides may be closed down, but I’m sure there’s plenty of mischief and shennanigans to delight and occupy the children, especially with those fun stun guns they like to play with. And since Kate’s pretty comfortable with lax supervision, the nanny can watch them while Kate spends time with Kathryn and Joe Jackson getting valuable advice on safe and loving ways to raise happy ,well-adjusted chil dren.

She could also come up with some swell ideas on turning the children into a family act. That would be a great way to keep the family together while maximizing market potential. She could even throw in an Osmond-esque twist and adopt Mormonism. Not only would she have a sassy, wholesome entertainment family, Jon could return to the marriage while satisfying his need for variety by engaging in polygamy! Now we’re cooking with gas!

Or she could always join the Church of Scientology . Again, family-friendly, and she could afford the protection of the church, get a hell of a media bump by hanging out with Tom Cruise, the kids would get a fun new dolly with little Suri, and she’d be guaranteed some plum cameo appearances in Cruise and Travolta projects, and maybe even a guest spot on Kirstie Alley’s new show.

Why doesn’t she partner up with Octo-Mom? Apparently she needs some money too,going into foreclosure and all. Two media whores and 16 kids? What a taste sensation that would be! Better than a Magic Bullet, the possibilities are endless.

24
Mar
10

Dancing With The Stars? What galaxy are we talking about here?

I do love watching Dancing With The Stars, like many, it is a guilty pleasure as sick and addicting as consuming gross amounts of raw cookie dough, jager shots, or my obsession with daytime dramas. However, I just have to laugh at some of the casting choices, and this season is no exception. It just makes me wonder, if we are dancing with the Stars, what solar system are they hanging in? Because I just don’t see any of these stars up in the horizon of my sky.

Perhaps because some of the Stars aren’t really “Stars” (and I capitalize because the “Star” is “Famous”) , but more like “Supermassive Black Holes”.

Actually, I found most of the cast to be quite charming, as Buzz Aldrin is just adorable and I can’t get enough of Niecy Nash. However, I’m surprised, I would have expected a bit more “boom boom” out of her and her bodacious bootiliciousness, as in the realm of what Pam Anderson pulled off. And I just have to say she was freaking awesome. So striptastically trashy and gaudy, she was a sight to behold.  Although, she is looking a bit leathery and weathered in the face, teetering on the edge of drag-queendom. Still, loved her!

I find it funny that the show always casts one or two people who obviously have a superior technical advantage and have the best shot of being the ace in the hole, and one or two painful clods that you know stand no chance  fresh out the gate.  It’s sad, but you know they were only put there for the sake of becoming human pinatas for the audience and judges to beat down, mock and destroy. I mean come one, seriously, what type of performance did you expect from Buzz Aldrin? The man walked on the moon, but that doesn’t mean he can “moonwalk”, or bust a move like Micheal Jackson, or even Fred Astaire for that matter. To compare his dancing abilities to that of the leader of a hip-hop/burlesque dance troupe or the grace of the Gold Medalist in Men’s Figure Skating is just laughable. But I guess the powers that be know this, it’s all a part of creating good dramatics and suspense. If they were all fantastic, it might be a little boring. Or, maybe not.

But I have to take this opportunity to berate, hate and eviscerate on Kate Gosselin…I mean come one, this one just puts herself out there to be beaten like a dead horse. And apparently, she dances like one as well. Poor thing, she’s just got two left hooves.

My beef with Kate is I think the same as most people’s. That she comes across as a boorish, toffee-nosed media whore who rather shamelessly exploits her kids and attempts to play on public sympathies in order to perpetuate her own fame. I mean, come on…she claims she “has to be” on Dancing With The Stars because she’s a “single working mom” who has to “support her family”? Ha ha ha freaking ha ha! Really? As if seriously, that was her ooooonly option to put food on her kids table was to play Dress-up Dancing Barbie , get a weave and shake her ass like a maraca on public tv? And really, she doesn’t even shake it that well, it’s like a maraca in the hands  of someone touched by arthritis and completely devoid of rhythm. Oh but wait! She’s a “mother who has earned the right to have some fun! Why can’t a mom just have some fun?”

Sure you can have some fun as a mom. But when you’re the mother of 8 children mauled by the breakup of their family and having to witness and process all of daddy and mommy’s nutjob bad behavior and have their lives sodimized by the intrusion of media attention and lack of healthy stability and normal social interaction…fun might include some quality quiet time parenting your children and spending time with them. I dunno, maybe it’s just me.

One time I was flipping channels and I caught her and Jon on the 700 Club of all places, and the piece must have been fimed right when their reality show was first being taped, because they were just yammering on and waxing poetic about their love of God and commitment to their children, and what a blessing it was for Kate to have spawned a whole litter of Gosselin pups, and their children were the center of their entire universe!

It must have been early on because Kate had not been yet gobbled up by the Fame Monster, and Jon hadn’t suffered whatever stroke or other brain injury that launched him into his painful identity crisis/personality malfunction.

You know, I might not be God, or ever her Agent or Manager, but I am savvy enough to think up one or two or maybe 20 ideas on how to support her family that do not include scarring her children for life and securing her win for 2010 Narcissist Of The Year.  Let’s take a look at some of those ideas, shall we?

Kate Gosselin, if you were really serious about being a good parent and role model, but wanted to capitalize on the media exposure to generate an income for your family, I’m sure you could have easily partnered with sponsors like the Pampers people, or Toys R Us, or do spots for Gymboree!

Hell, do ads for Disneyland! At least the kids would be having some fun and you wouldn’t look like some fame-crazed shrew. What, are you too much of a diva for Mickey? Apply to be the next Disney Princess! Then you can be a positive influence on your kids AND keep your weave and rock a tiara!

Or, if you must be a gratitious attention slut, and exploit your kids, why not make the kids the main attraction? Hell, you know folks over at TLC? How great would it be to put your kids on the pageant circuit and take Toddlers and Tiaras to a whole new level! They would be all over it like Nicole Simpson’s blood on O.J.’s knife. If not, you know VH-1 would pick it up! Then they could give all your kids cute nicknames and you’d be locked into Celebreality Central for all eternity. Next would be Kate+8 Have A Real Chance At Love. And you know those kids are gonna have issues, so you’ve got Tool Academy, Charm School, and Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew all in the bag!

You need to start thinking outside of the box instead of with your box Kate, and put those kids first!

I’m just hoping America does her a favor and votes her off soon, otherwise I think I’m going to have to have a talk with Child Protective Services.

17
Mar
10

To all those who just left comments

Thank you so much for your kind words! Now I just need to re-figure out how to approve them! LOL! Derf!

It’s been a while since I’ve tended to this blog, plus I’m pretty sure I’m in the early stages of dementia.

I also have many previous blogs that somehow fail to show up under categories. I know, I feel like a retard, it’s just there are days I have limited time to really get it all together, so I’m kinda “Under Construction”.

But I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the feedback, both good and bad. (However, keep in mind only positive feedback will ensure I do not kill myself. No guilt or pressure. Just letting you know.) Thank you again, and if you like what you read, it would mean a lot to me if you pointed others my way. Hopefully they’ll get a laugh too.

****Note to my earlier blogs about really weird stuff referring to satanism, Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist, The Beatles, etc. )

Please let me make myself clear! I DO NOT WORSHIP THE DEVIL. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Those were jokes and an ironic stab at conspiracy theories. I love conspiracy theories and topics of a dark nature, I find them fascinating, but that doesn’t mean I agree or subscribe to them!

I actually identify myself as Christian. However, I don’t claim to have all the answers. I enjoy hearing other’s veiwpoints and finding out why they believe what they do. That’s the beauty of having religious freedom in this country. I welcome and encourage comments and thoughts on the matter from all angels. I do not like to preach or judge, just like to share and exchange, in a respectful manner.

Thank you again, and keep checking back! I may not post daily initially, but as I get this organized and ramp up, you will be seeing more a more consistent flow of entries.

Love you!:D




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