Hello whoever you are out there taking the time to read this, thank you, and welcome to The LeDonna Lounge.
The LeDonna Lounge is a sacred space I have created for myself, and for people like yourselves who I wish to persuade into liking me, to gather together and unify as a community-a vibrant, intelligent, hip and sophisticated group banded by a single common passion- to discuss, enjoy, and immerse themselves in all things related to me. This blog is devoted to me, my life, all the wacky characters in it, the ridiculous situations I get myself into, and the philosophic meanderings of my uniquely eccentric mind.
Basically, I’m an attention whore. You see, nobody really loved me when I was growing up. I was abandoned at birth, wrapped up in the daily newspaper and stuffed in an empty cardboard box outside a small Houston grocery store. I think it was a box they packed cereal in, probably Lucky Charms or Honeycomb, that would explain all-consuming hunger for breakfast foods. The owner of the store, a kind but americannily-languaged challenged immigrant from China, stumbled upon me accidentally as he was breaking down boxes to be recycled.
“Hunggh? (grunt) What da hell is this?” He is baffled and confused as he peels away the newsprint. “I no order dis! Dis not on my invoice! Damn Schepps Grocercies, always get my order wrong. I order beef, not baby! What da hell am I supposed to do with this? Put on sale with bananas?”
Luckily for me, the little chinese man and his wife, the large mentally ill cajun woman with anger issues, decided I was kind of cute and they just might keep me around for a while, after they called and were told there wasn’t any room for me down at the pound. So the grocery couple said what the hell, we had been wantin’ a pet anyways, so let’s train her up right and she’ll be fun for the family and probably good for business too!
So as long as I stayed within my metaphorical kennel and didn’t bark too much or make too much shit, they would make sure I was well fed and maybe pet my head and scratch my belly. But as I got older, in their eyes I had grown into a real bitch and disobedient mutt. As soon as I required more attention than the occasional head-pat and “isn’t she a cute little feller…woobie woo! yes she is!,and when the occasional toy or treat thrown in my direction just didn’t satisfy, I was cast-off as a feral hound foaming at the mouth, rotten with the mange.
The kids at school didn’t like me so much either. Growing up, I was awkward, unlovely,overweight, miserably dressed, ludicrously tressed, and just excreting amplitudes of fear, anxiety,and low self-esteem, like a hazy spray of neurotic pheremones all around me. Kids didn’t just not like me…they ignored me, turned away from me. In some ways, I was almost invisible, and in other ways, I was treated as if I had something that people were afraid they might catch if they got to close to me. Maybe like chiggers or ringworm or leprosy or something.
Then I hit my teen years. I went all Extreme Makeover and got my sexy back. But with this newfound hotness came a whole new set of neuroses. I got attention alright…all the wrong kind. And after a string of ridiculous obsessions and one-night stands, I ended up pregnant and married to a man I loved, but was indeed nuttier than a damn fruitcake too.
We spent almost half our lives together…and hell, really, we’re not even divorced…creating a tsunami-sized maelstrom of love,hate,anger,rage,passion,laughter,affection,and rage…did I mention the rage? Yeah, there was a lot of rage. Lotsa rage,lotsa anger, a heaping helping of hurt feelings, bad habits, bad decisions.
This page is the comedic catharsis of my life. You, my dearly loved and valued reader, get to be the emergency-bagholder of all my emotional vomit. You get to pick through my humorously endearing psychoactive defecation! Hooray! Yay for You! Not everybody is lucky enough to be privy to such first class flibbertigibbet. Consider yourself elite.
Also, I am seriously hoping a talent scout will find me, read my work, like what he/she sees, and give me a job as a writer,actor,or comic. Pleeeeese,pretty pleeeese o Lord, pleeeeeeeeeeze!
“Ok, wait a minute here, Miss HR Puffinstuff,” I hear you saying. “We get this blog is about you and the interminable black hole in your gut that pines away incessantly for attention, as well all the fucked-up weirdness in your life. And that you will be showcasing all the magnificent things that you feel are ‘kewl’, and worthy of our consideration, and that’s great and all…but really, what exactly is in it for me?”
What’s in it for you? You want to know what’s in it for you? You want me to give you some reasons, splay it out for you, make a diagram for you, perhaps a flow-chart or better yet, let’s go powerpoint presentation with sassy bullet points specifically highlighting to you each individual benefit, clearly explaining to you the rewards you will reap from reading my blog?
Ok. Glad you asked. What took you so long? Anyways, I present to you, the top reasons you should read my blog and will be really happy that you did:
1) I am funny. You will read my blogs and you will laugh. You may not understand them, but you will laugh. Or at least cough, choke up some snot, or fart. Something will happen, guaranteed.
2) I touch on “hot” and “relevant” topics such as relationships, dating, marriage, parenting, adoption, abandonment, identity crises, life transitions, psychology/mental illness, philosophy, general dysfunctionalism, addiction, spirituality, careers, hot dogs, and just life in general.
3) I love/hate pop culture, just like I know you do too! So, I am going to be blogging a lot about celebrities, movies,music, and tv shows, as well what’s big and idiotic in the news and in the political arena. Oh yeah, I like stories about dead people too, and the freakazoids who kill them, so you’ll read fun stuff about all that too.
4) I write about food, books, travel, fashion, and beauty. I’m a lot like Vogue or Allure or like Rolling Stone, except I’m not. I also write a lot about God and the Devil, because I do believe in them both and that they are constantly at battle with me for my soul. You don’t believe me? Keep readin’! You’ll see!
5) I come from Texas and now live in Seattle. Right there is a plethora of paraphenalia to laugh about.
6) I write a lot about Madonna, and the connection between us and the influence she has had on my life. In fact, I think she may just be my mother and I’m writing a really great screenplay about me and my search for her.
7)I’m really cute and I have a nice rack! 🙂 So please, come and share happy fun blogtime with me!
Your new friend,
PS- I also talk a lot about my searingly ingneous desire to become famous. In fact, it’s not even a desire, it’s a prophecy, it’s just that meant-to-be. I think it’s even in The Bible Code somewhere, I’m pretty sure of it, I think it’s in one of those Nostradamus books too. Look it up- it’s like Century XII quatrain 4, maybe 5…