Posts Tagged ‘Alex

30
Apr
08

Great New Quick Fix Meal Idea!

Where have you been all my life!???!!

CHEESEBURGER-IN-A-CAN!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

Yes, the bun,cheese and the condiments are included.

Too busy to grill up a hearty cheeseburger meal for the family, or even swing by the local fast food joint to pick up something pre-made? No worries, mi amigo. Convenience and portability have reached new all-time highs thanks to the ingenuity and culinary prowess of out German compadres. Yes, the same folks who brought us the trusted taste treats of sauerkraut, leberwurst (liver sausage) and schwarzsauer (blood soup), have managed to take the perfection of their homeland creation the Hamburg Steak, top it with cheese and a bunch of other savory accoutrements, and wait-the fun doesn’t just stop there- OH NO! Those crazy yodelin’ lederhosen-heads went off and figured out how to keep the great taste of a cheeseburger alive forever, or at least 5-7 years with the current average shelf-life expectancy. How? By cramming that sucker into a tin can, that’s how! Now you can take a whole bushel of cheeseburgers with you wherever you go! Toss ’em in your backpack! Keep ’em in the trunk of your car and have em ready the next time you break down, have a flat, or need to feed that young chinese boy you just abducted before you rape, torture and mutilate him. Of course you want your victims to have a delicious and nutritious last meal! If you’re lucky, you just might taste a hint of that cheeseburger yourself when you sit down to eat him. Yum! Double Deelite!

Cheeseburger-In-A-Can also makes a great gift! I use it as a stocking stuffer. Alex just loves it.

Cheeseburger-In-A-Can is quick and easy to prepare! Simply pop open the can and steam it using a double-boiler method. No double boiler? No worries, just try sticking it in the bathroom sink and let it warm up while you take a shower, or hold your iron up over the top of it and keep pressing the steam button. In about 30-45 minutes, your tasty cheeseburger should be at least lukewarm enough to keep yourself from gagging it up while you cram it down your maw. Now, how exactly do I know it’s ready you ask?ย  You’ll know Cheeseburger-In-A-Can is at it’s peak flavor profile when it looks like this:

Note the patty will be a uniform shade of greenish-grey. All Cheeseburgers-In-A-Can are precooked to a temperature of 165 degrees to ensure the prevention of nasty food-bourne illnesses. No sorry, no medium rare special orders here! Cheeseburger-In-A-Can wants you taste healthy goodness in every chewy, slimy bite, not the taste of bacterium and parasites! Yuk-O!

Don’t try to microwave Cheeseburger-In-A-Can, it just doesn’t work as well. Instead of a soggy glop of yeasty gump, your bun will magically petrify into a tooth-crushing magnesium-limeshale crust which is just murder on those fillings in your molars.

Cheeseburger-In-A-Can unfortunately is not readily available in stores, but you can order it pretty easily on line. The cost and the wait are well worth it. I’ve enjoyed Cheeseburger-In-A-Can so much I’ve ordered their new side dishes Taters-In-A-Can and Chicken Caesar-In-A-Jar. MMMnnnn! I can’t wait!

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29
Apr
08

YAY ALEX!!!!

Yo GO GUUURL!

I know who really loves me. My boo Alex is more than happy to accompany her fatuous maternal unit to the Wild Waves sooper kewl happy times funtastic waterpark. Yay Alex, you just made my day. Now I can put off all thoughts of suicide until at least after the May 31 Big Splash event, it’s gonna be so much fun, with all the innertubes and my favorite Christian recording artists are performing! Yay! I’m gonna go buy my sunscreen and fake tan-in-a-bottle right now!

But before I go, I just want to give a quick shout out and props to my kick-ass baby girl, who just kicked to the curb her dungnugget of a boyfriend and showing him the importance of treating a young lady with the utmost kindness,love and respect, and never to take her wonderfulness for granted. Hopefully he will recognize now that she is gone that he has lost out on a beautiful, charming, dynamic and funnier than hell sugar cookie of a girl. That’s what you get hosehead! Pay attention next time, if you get to be so lucky.

Yay Alex!!! I am so proud of you! You rock my world. ๐Ÿ™‚ Keep up the good work, sweets, and I’ll see ya at the Hooks Lagoon activity pool!

26
Apr
08

My New ?’s For The eHarmony Profile

Ok, I admit it. I am a completely sheep-minded, easily malleable, suggestible, susceptible, bidable, manipulable foon. My is brain is like a magnetic lump of silly putty-I am just that impressionable. Palm trees in Florida in the midst of hurricane season are not as easily swayed as I. I am the ultimate marketing quarry, a fledgling ad exec’s wet dream.

I am a sucker.

And because I am a sucker, I am easily worn down by repetition. Just ask my daughter. She has calculated out that although it can take an upwards of 86-90 pleas for me to break down and give into whatever the hell it is she wants at a given whim, I will give in eventually, and that’s more important than the time she has to invest in the asking. Some may frown upon this as wishy-washy and ineffectual parenting, but I beg to differ. By taking the time to wear me down with her incessant whimpers and demands, she learned early on very valuable life-skills such as persistence, goal-setting, and determination-the importance of never taking no for an answer!

So, it’s easy to see why, after years of being barraged by hundreds of thousands of exponentially annoying eHarmony commercials-you know the ones-with all the images of your prototypical white-bread,vanilla-bean-makes-me-reach-for-my-kaopectate-perfect couples( You know,like this one:

“Oh, we’re so normal! We’re so successful, but in a no-too-showy way! Oh, and we’re happy! So very very happy!!”) and promises to find MY perfect match-yes, MY perfect match -a match made based on pivotal information about me,my life, and all it’s inner tinkererings, gathered by detailed questionnaires focusing on 29-YES! TWENTY-NINE key Dimensions Of Compatibilty. Not 25. Not 26! Not even twen-ty-seven or twen-ty-EIGHT, but fuckin’ A, no shit, TWENTY NINE MOTHERFUCKING DIMENSIONS OF COSMIC COMPATIBILITY! Drop kick me,Jesus, through the goal posts of life! Hallefuckinlooyah, but that’s a certifiable shitton of personality dimensions. Now, I don’t know why there’s not thirty dimensions-I’m guessing the folks writing the profile have attention issues like myself, got bored and went, fuck it! Twenty-nine’s good enough! I’m takin’a nap! At anyrate,I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to take their free personality profile and find out for myself what all the hoohah was about, and honestly, I just couldn’t wait to find my soulmate.

So, I go through about 35 minutes of vaguely worded questions that I’m sure are supposed to be deep, complex, esoteric and soul-seeking, but are really flimsy little feel good beat-around-the-bush-isms that all center back to three key points of concern:

1) Are you happy,motivated,success-driven?

2) Do you have a lot of money?

3) Do you love the Baby Jesus? ***

*** Although ‘loving Baby Jesus’ is actually an implied theme, it is glaringly apparent this service is geared towards a more conservative, middle of the road client, folk who are most likely homely and have fostered an artificially superficial and optimistic outlook on life. Although I’m not one to generalize,these types generally tend to tend to fall into the Bible=thumping category.***

I felt there were large gaps in critical data one would need to decide if someone was an ideal match-hell, I wouldn’t even go out on a first date with the 7 hose-heads they wanted to hook me up with. The reality is the current eHarmony profile is a lot like a track house. It’s pretty on the outside, but on the inside, it’s a worthless piece of shit. And being the spearheading kind of gal I am, I took the liberty of contacting eHarmony and shared with them my critiques, and surprisingly, they were very open to suggestions and asked me to compile my own set of questions to enhance the current personality profile. Energized by the prospect of creating a vehicle that could deeply delve into the inner bowels of a persons soul and extract out the true essence of their fetid nature, I have come up with an amazing personality profiling tool. These questions get to the “meat” of the matter, so to speak, and reveal what we all truly want to know about our potential mates and their character.

NEW AND IMPROVED ADDENDUM TO LAMEASS eHARMONY QUESTIONNAIRE

rate on a scale of 1-5, with 1 suggesting Strongly Do Not Agree, 3 Neutral, 5 Strongly Agree:

1. I like to drink wine with my dinner.

2. I like to drink wine,or perhaps even beer,or possibly refreshing mixed drink beverage such as margaritas after dinner.

3. I like to drink wine, beer,whisky,vodka,mouthwash,or rubbing alcohol up until bedtime, or I pass out,whichever comes first.

4. I like to start my mornings with a breakfast of PBR and the Bible, and maybe some some sausage while I’m reading.

5.Drinking at lunchtime is one of my favorite pastimes.

6. Drinking on the job is how I aced my last promotion.

7.Drinking and driving doesn’t count if you’re a)less than a mile away from home or b) under 25 mph.

8. I would consider myself an advocate for the legalization of marijuana.

9. Video games are a great way to spend “together time”.

10. I would say cocaine or methamphetamine users often get a bad rap.

11. I am in favor of better dental care provisions to be available to crackheads and tweakers.

12. I look at Grand Theft Auto the same way I look at library books.

13. I routinely put out on a first date.

14. 100 one night stands with people whose names I cannot recall is really the norm for me.

15. I have sold my body for money. Or drugs. Or a piece of pizza.

16. Manufacturing illegal substances is a great way to supplement your income.

17. Jail time is not much more than a bar mitzvah-it’s a rite of passage.

18. Recycling bins are great makeshift nap areas in a pinch.

19. Criminal charges are a great way to meet sexy lawyers.

20.Living with schizophrenia really isn’t as debilitating as I thought it would be.

21. The voices I hear in my head mainly say positive things.

22. My neighbor’s medicine cabinet is a great source for Vicodin.

23. Hot tub parties with your neighbor’s spouse/partner is ok, as long as their spouse/partner is a great big bitch/asshole/douchebag.

24. I feel most comfortable when I’m at an orgy.

25.I rarely, if ever, have sexual relations with relatives.

26. I am happiest when I secretly have a vibrating anal plug pleasuring me while I work/shop for groceries.

27. I always check out my poop and giggle at it monstrous size before I flush it away.

28. I am prone to fits of explosive diarrhea.

29. My feet are free of corns, callouses, excess dry skin and assorted toenail fungii.

30.I was not molested as a child.

31.I best express my negative feelings and emotions by punching things.

32. I only argue with stupid people and those who don’t agree with me.

33. Monogamy is really so yesterday.

34. Compulsive masturbation is just what one has to do to get through those “dry” dating periods.

35. Anal sex is totally kewl.

36. Midgets turn me on.

37.I haven’t tortured or sexually mutilated anyone since I was a wee child.

38. Felonies are a great way for a potential employee to provide business owners much needed tax breaks.

39. I believe that the GED stands for “Great Education, Dude!”

40. I think adults who still live with their parents are sweet people who value family bonds.

41. I really am a MGD ,football, buffalo wing loving guy/gal.

42. I would much rather dine at a Sizzler than at a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.

43. I LOVE SHOPPING MALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

44. Babies are more like tiny drunks to me than precious angels.

45. I have a lot of tattoos.

46. I would rather have a sharp stick jammed in my eye than listen to a Dave Matthews song.

47. You can tell a lot about a person by their choice of karoake tunes.

48. The recreational use of psychedelics allows me a precious opportunity to connect with God.

49. I think recycling is for sissies.

50. In the morning, I tend to resemble a muppet.

I have many more, but they will come later. For now, I sleep! If you have any suggestions, please feel free to share. ๐Ÿ™‚

26
Apr
08

life is so unfair…but in a good way

This is me and my friends at 18, circa 1988:

Can you guess which one is me? Hint: I’m wearing something made out of stolen trailer park drapes.

Now, this is my daughter and her friends at 18:

Actually, they’re not quite 18 in this pic, but still??? WTF??? These kids all look like supermodels.! Me-I looked like a reject from a Depeche Mode video casting call. What the hell happened? Is it something in the water? What are we feeding these kids that’s causing them to mature so damn fast? We simply cannot be from the same genepool. My theory is I was kidnapped by the government and held unconscious for several days at a CIA Population Control Camp, where my own aesthetically inferior fetus was extracted and replaced by a genetically perfect cyborg babybot vastly superior in both beauty and intellect to her subpar maternal host. This was part of a covert environmental welfare initiative started by our nations leaders targeted at homely or odd looking individuals who have the potential to further pollute our nation’s landscape by spawning future generations of ugly children.Removal of the uncomely child was considered to be beneficial to the overall psychiatric well being of the parents, as well as the entire nation, because let’s face it-nobody wants to look at an ugly child, let alone be burdened with the awesome responsibilty of loving it and nuturing it for 18 years. It was a bold move by our leaders to drop the number of child neglect and abandonment cases nationwide, as well as a cooperative effort with Abercrombie and Fitch to secure their future customer base.

Indeed, this child is far too spectacular to be the authentic fruit of my womb. But I’m proud of her, and I love her as if she were a chip off the ol’ ovary. {Oh, and if you’re wondering what happened to all the left over ugly fetuses…I’m not sure, but I think the government recycled most of them into cattle feed, although I did hear of some going on to be used in some innovative new research and development in the health and beauty field, quite possibly extracting the collagen and other vital tissues to make some really kick ass lip-plumpers and wrinkle-fillers for the rich and celebutized. Which is great, if you think of it, because it’s using something that once would have been ugly, and using it to make something pretty and tolerable to the mutton-headed masses! Hoo-ray!




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