Posts Tagged ‘crazy

19
Mar
10

what’s in a name, really?

I was watching The Young And The Restless today (as I always do, thank you, not that I feel I need to justify my unhealthy obsession with poorly written melodramas involving imaginary people that, for that hour, I forget this and think they are real.) One of the big storylines involves the swapping of a baby that was named “Hope” by her birthmother, and “Faith” by the woman who thinks she’s the baby mama. And I got to thinking…optimists seem to love giving their children names that express their sunshiny-warm feelings about the world, with names such as “Hope”, “Faith” “Charity”, “Serenity”, etc., etc.

I wonder why it has never become a trend amongst pessimists and the more Machivellian-minded to name their children after the main tenents of their core values? That could result in some pretty interesting new names in the baby world.I mean, they don’t even need to be viewed in the true context of the meaning of the word. The name could be used almost ironically, or just because the word sounds kinda cool. This should go over really well with celebrities who seem to enjoy naming their children after random names and concepts simply because they think they sound hip. For instance, do you think really Gwynneth Palthrow went with “Apple” because she loves fruit pies? Or that Nicole Ritchie named her son “Sparrow” because she veiws him as a delicate baby bird? Why not “Eagle” then…certainly that name would be more reflective of the type of bird I’d want my son to be if that was my angle. Not some wimpy bird that’s probably easily mauled by cats. Will her next child be named “Swallow”? That would be funny, there’s all sorts of connotations in that one. Or, if she decides to go with a fishy name, will she choose something meek and tiny, like “Guppy”, as opposed to a much more masculine, firmer sounding “Trout” , “Bass”, or even “Grouper”? (Wow, there’s all sorts of name possibilities latent in the fish world. “Cod”, “Flipper”, “Flounder”, “Tetra”, “Trigger”…I could go on for days!)

Or  take Gwen Stefani’s son Zuma…I don’t think she really believes her son will grow up to be some sort of king of the jungle, just as if she bears a sister and decides to call her “Zima”, she wouldn’t be proclaiming her love of a really lame early 90’s malt liquor beverage. It would probably be because the names sound good together. Little Zuma and Zima. What a darling pair! Really, it’s a shame they aren’t twins!

I mean, why don’t we try names like “Greed”? That would be a fine name for a boy. It sounds almost kind of regal, well-bred. We already have people naming their kids “Green”, or “Greenlee” like on All MyChildren.  We could maybe cange the lettering a little. Maybe “Gried”. See! That would be a swell name for a baby brother to Brooke Sheild’s lil’ girl Greir!

Think about it? Was Evel Kenievel sociopathically nefarious? No! Although he may have shown questionable judgement at times, it made a really cool name for a dude who flys his motorcycle over parked cars! And what a flair for marketing he must have had! He must have known that was a great name for an action figure!

Here is a list of more pessamistically or sinfully minded, but could be really hella cool, names I have come up with.

“Malice”, or “Malyce” (Great for families with siblings named “Maddox”, “Madeline”, “Miranda”, “Mathilda”!)

Avarice,  Avareese,  or Av’arice (Could be a delightful baby brother to sister named Ava!)

Deespaire, or D’Spare (Good one for an up-and-coming DJ)

Doom (Think “Doom McKay!”Awesome.)

Apathie (Has a nice French feel, don’tcha think?)

Arrogaunce (He could have been plucked strait from the Shire it sounds so Lord Of The Rings!)

Blame (Great soap name, along the lines of “Blade”, “Flame”) (Ok, I have never heard  of anyone named “Flame”, but hey, that’s kinda cool too)

Mizzerrie (Again, it’s got that French feel, and it wouldn’t surprise me some middle school goth hasn’t beat me to the punch on this one!)

Bitter. (It’s nice and and punk rock, you know. Like, “Bitter Johansson”. “Bitter Blakefield”. “Bitter O’Brien”. “Bitter Jones”. “Bitter Nyugen”. The possibilities are endless)

Madness  (“Madness Mulligan”. Perfect!) Or, simply “Mad”. We already use “Maddie”, so it’s really not a stretch.

Pretentious (“Pretentious Peterson”! Precious!)

Scorne

Skitzo (“Skitzo McGee”! See! Also, good creepy clown name)

Siko  (Long or Short “I”, they both work)

Tarde

Jerk (Good Old “Jerk McJames”! Or “Jerk Jagger”. Or, “Jerk J. Smith”. Very versatile, this one.)

Pryde

Lustie

Really, there are lots of single-syllable words that would make very trendy new names. Words such as “Fury”, “Rage”, “Slay”, “Murk”, “Glut”, “Crave”, “Boor”, “Spaz”, “Scum”, “Sludge”, “Stinge”, “Hanker”, “Ego”, “Death”, “Desire”, “Shallow”, “Raw”, “Rough”,”Trash” and “Fungus”…shouldn’t be just monikers limited to punk rockers, comic books and soap operas, but names for a new, fresh and edgy wave of alterna-babes and social misfits defining and leading a new generation.

Other poly-syllabic words can get a breezy and refreshing twist with plays on spelling and pronunciation. A little tweeking of vocal inflection…and you’ve got a totally cute new baby name! Hey, it worked for Nick Cage’s “Asswipe/Assswipe'” famous character on SNL. That was so freaking funny!

Try taking “Obstinate”. Sounds a little harsh and brutal in its original form. But jazz it up as “Aubstienaat”- it becomes very chic in a Eurotrash/Krautrock kinda way.

“Odious” doesn’t have to mean “stinky”.  He could be part of a new wave of great Greek philosophers!

“Skanty” “Antagony” “Toxic”, “Envy” all become super-cute when you add an “ie”, i.e. “Skantie”, “Toxie”, “Antagonie”, “Envy”! (Again, so francais!)

“Meager” = “Meeger”. “Vulgar” =”Vulgaar” (so Vogue!)

“Insolentia” and “Inimicalle”. Could you dream up names more stylish and wonderfully snobby for your next multiple birth? I think not.

I know you think my thinking is pretty far fetched, but really, we’ve been dabbling in this arena for a long while now, with names like “Vanity”,”Bum”, “Desiree”, “Slut”…oh wait, I guess “slut” isn’t actually a “name”, it’s just the name I use to refer to all the bitches in my life behind their backs.

Anyways, just wanted to throw this out there, something for you to think about!

Kisses and Hisses! XHXHXHXH Mwah!

LD 😀

PS. I know, I was all inconsistent, inaccurate and “wonky” with the haphazard use of parentheses in my diatribe. I must admit, I subscribe to a much more “emotional” use of punctuation, using certain symbols when it “feels” right, versus “intelligent” and “grammatically correct”. Hey, don’t judge me, I’m sure you got the jist of what I was saying.

11
May
08

My New Favorite Song

Falling Down – Scarlett Johansson

Damn you, Scarlett Johansson. I’m trying to hate you here, with all of your pouty-lipped seductive perfection. That was supposed to be me who loved in the elevator with Benecio  Del Toro.  Seriously! He was looking for me, but there you were, already in the elevator shaft , obviously lookin’ for some shaft, then Benecio walks in and you just jumped on that poor man like a spider takes down the fly, and you not only sucked out his life blood, but you  defiled him, in an act of lewdness so vile it was a mockery of that horrible Aerosmith song. You heathen hussy! He was supposed to be MINE! The latino men all love ME. ME. Not you! You already have every white man in America hot for you, at least leave the latin love for me. Thank God! for Benecio, don’t worry my love, there will be other days, other elevators, more  opportunites.  You will not cock-block me next time, O Ye Scarlett Wench!

Oh but yeah,  your new song is really kick-ass.  Seriously, I really, really love it.  I have to hand it to you, I wasn’t expecting anything nearly this cool coming from the likes of you. I had pegged you as more of a Jay-Z or P-Diddy protege. Maybe called “Scar J”, or something like that. I could see you all hooched out with scarlet sequined booty pants and a matching red vinyl bra to show off your “gurls” { editors note: Scarlett refers to her boobs as “her girls”}, and maybe a funky fresh grill with “Scar J” in rubies. From a distance, all that red on your teeth could look like bleeding, like maybe you’d been punched by your baby’s daddy or had a bad case of the meth mouth.

Ok, no, that’s not true. Sadly, I know Scarlett is not that kind of girl. I have to resign my self to admit not only is she breathtakingly gorgeous, she is immensly talented. There! You happy! I said it. I am waving my white flag. I surrender to the splendor of Scarlett.  She got me on that SNL show she hosted.  I was hooked, I became a believer, not a hater.

 Seriously, the song is great and I am really looking forward to hearing the rest of the record. From what I’ve read, NME has given it stellar reviews, calling it “brilliant” and “sure to top some best of 2008 lists”. And I always stand by my NME as an excellent gauge of musical authority…unless they’re talking about Coldplay. {Sorry! I just could never get into them. Possibly…due to a subliminal Gwyneth Paltrow resentment connection. Oh, and that thing about Chris Martin sounding like a congested muppet, or  like Dave Matthews  but having an asthma attack. BTW… WHY did they name their kid APPLE?” Thankfully it wasn’t a multiple birth, or we would’ve had sisters Pear” , “Plum” and Apricot”.  (Actually, I think she already has a friend named Plum, as in Plum Sykes, author of Bergdorf Blondes and occasional contributor to Vogue. How I know this, I have no idea, especially since I have no intrerest in Gwynneth or her boring perfect life. Really.) I can’t even begin to fathom the fruity name they would come up with for a boy.  What fruit would be suitable to name a boy after? There really aren’t very many “manly” fruity names. I guess if you name a man after a fruit, it would be like calling him a fruit, and that would be a bit offensive to the gay community. Well, I suppose if there were a boy, she could just name him Tomato, and shorten it to to Tom. That’s right, tomato is indeed a fruit, and quite a masculine one at that. I love a good, rich, hearty, beefy tomato. Even more so when it sits atop a rich, hearty, manly patty of beef.  Sigh. Yum.

Oh, sorry…I got lost in my dreams of hamburger.  Wake up!

You know,  it really would have been hilarious if Gwynnie would have had a whole litter of pups, she could nickname the gang “Her Little Fruit Bowl!”} (and she would have to say it just like Butters on South Park)

Whoa Nelly! . Now that’s what I  call a tangent!

Kudos to Scarlett, anybody who can take Tom Waits music and work it into something that doesn’t make me want a lobotomy when I hear it…has magical abilities, and I am in awe.

25
Apr
08

Nuttier Than A Damn Fruitcake!

That was always one of Mama’s favorite expressions. She used it a lot when referring to crazy people, homosexuals,blacks,christians,me, any of my friends or teachers,neighbors,customers that would come into our store and bounce checks,or Ronald Reagan. Oh, and me.

Once I got past the sort of emotionally abusive tone of the cliche, I found that it is such a humorously befitting metaphor of my rather screwball life. I have decided to use it as the working title for my upcoming memoir- “Nuttier Than A Damn Fruitcake: Real-Life Revelations of America’s Most Beloved  (Although Largely Unknown) Loopy Loon” .

I believe that sharing my  stories of hardship, lunacy and folly will help other lonesome neurotics realize they are not the only ones who struggle with mood swings, addictions, self-destructive behaviors, family woes and failed relationships. They will also find tasty recipes for more than 500 decadent cupcake creations, and a section on how to make the most insanely great latch hook rugs inspired by Andy Warhol.

This is the first step for me on my pathway to riches by way of mentoring others. I should be finished writing my book around the same time I complete my Life Coach certification from that Sally Struthers Correspondence School, so I should be good to go and ready to spread my good news of hope in the face of inadequacy to the masses. I feel so good about myself. Not so good about all the times I’ve used the word “good” in this paragraph. No bueno.




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