I was watching The Young And The Restless today (as I always do, thank you, not that I feel I need to justify my unhealthy obsession with poorly written melodramas involving imaginary people that, for that hour, I forget this and think they are real.) One of the big storylines involves the swapping of a baby that was named “Hope” by her birthmother, and “Faith” by the woman who thinks she’s the baby mama. And I got to thinking…optimists seem to love giving their children names that express their sunshiny-warm feelings about the world, with names such as “Hope”, “Faith” “Charity”, “Serenity”, etc., etc.
I wonder why it has never become a trend amongst pessimists and the more Machivellian-minded to name their children after the main tenents of their core values? That could result in some pretty interesting new names in the baby world.I mean, they don’t even need to be viewed in the true context of the meaning of the word. The name could be used almost ironically, or just because the word sounds kinda cool. This should go over really well with celebrities who seem to enjoy naming their children after random names and concepts simply because they think they sound hip. For instance, do you think really Gwynneth Palthrow went with “Apple” because she loves fruit pies? Or that Nicole Ritchie named her son “Sparrow” because she veiws him as a delicate baby bird? Why not “Eagle” then…certainly that name would be more reflective of the type of bird I’d want my son to be if that was my angle. Not some wimpy bird that’s probably easily mauled by cats. Will her next child be named “Swallow”? That would be funny, there’s all sorts of connotations in that one. Or, if she decides to go with a fishy name, will she choose something meek and tiny, like “Guppy”, as opposed to a much more masculine, firmer sounding “Trout” , “Bass”, or even “Grouper”? (Wow, there’s all sorts of name possibilities latent in the fish world. “Cod”, “Flipper”, “Flounder”, “Tetra”, “Trigger”…I could go on for days!)
Or take Gwen Stefani’s son Zuma…I don’t think she really believes her son will grow up to be some sort of king of the jungle, just as if she bears a sister and decides to call her “Zima”, she wouldn’t be proclaiming her love of a really lame early 90’s malt liquor beverage. It would probably be because the names sound good together. Little Zuma and Zima. What a darling pair! Really, it’s a shame they aren’t twins!
I mean, why don’t we try names like “Greed”? That would be a fine name for a boy. It sounds almost kind of regal, well-bred. We already have people naming their kids “Green”, or “Greenlee” like on All MyChildren. We could maybe cange the lettering a little. Maybe “Gried”. See! That would be a swell name for a baby brother to Brooke Sheild’s lil’ girl Greir!
Think about it? Was Evel Kenievel sociopathically nefarious? No! Although he may have shown questionable judgement at times, it made a really cool name for a dude who flys his motorcycle over parked cars! And what a flair for marketing he must have had! He must have known that was a great name for an action figure!
Here is a list of more pessamistically or sinfully minded, but could be really hella cool, names I have come up with.
“Malice”, or “Malyce” (Great for families with siblings named “Maddox”, “Madeline”, “Miranda”, “Mathilda”!)
Avarice, Avareese, or Av’arice (Could be a delightful baby brother to sister named Ava!)
Deespaire, or D’Spare (Good one for an up-and-coming DJ)
Doom (Think “Doom McKay!”Awesome.)
Apathie (Has a nice French feel, don’tcha think?)
Arrogaunce (He could have been plucked strait from the Shire it sounds so Lord Of The Rings!)
Blame (Great soap name, along the lines of “Blade”, “Flame”) (Ok, I have never heard of anyone named “Flame”, but hey, that’s kinda cool too)
Mizzerrie (Again, it’s got that French feel, and it wouldn’t surprise me some middle school goth hasn’t beat me to the punch on this one!)
Bitter. (It’s nice and and punk rock, you know. Like, “Bitter Johansson”. “Bitter Blakefield”. “Bitter O’Brien”. “Bitter Jones”. “Bitter Nyugen”. The possibilities are endless)
Madness (“Madness Mulligan”. Perfect!) Or, simply “Mad”. We already use “Maddie”, so it’s really not a stretch.
Pretentious (“Pretentious Peterson”! Precious!)
Skitzo (“Skitzo McGee”! See! Also, good creepy clown name)
Siko (Long or Short “I”, they both work)
Jerk (Good Old “Jerk McJames”! Or “Jerk Jagger”. Or, “Jerk J. Smith”. Very versatile, this one.)
Really, there are lots of single-syllable words that would make very trendy new names. Words such as “Fury”, “Rage”, “Slay”, “Murk”, “Glut”, “Crave”, “Boor”, “Spaz”, “Scum”, “Sludge”, “Stinge”, “Hanker”, “Ego”, “Death”, “Desire”, “Shallow”, “Raw”, “Rough”,”Trash” and “Fungus”…shouldn’t be just monikers limited to punk rockers, comic books and soap operas, but names for a new, fresh and edgy wave of alterna-babes and social misfits defining and leading a new generation.
Other poly-syllabic words can get a breezy and refreshing twist with plays on spelling and pronunciation. A little tweeking of vocal inflection…and you’ve got a totally cute new baby name! Hey, it worked for Nick Cage’s “Asswipe/Assswipe'” famous character on SNL. That was so freaking funny!
Try taking “Obstinate”. Sounds a little harsh and brutal in its original form. But jazz it up as “Aubstienaat”- it becomes very chic in a Eurotrash/Krautrock kinda way.
“Odious” doesn’t have to mean “stinky”. He could be part of a new wave of great Greek philosophers!
“Skanty” “Antagony” “Toxic”, “Envy” all become super-cute when you add an “ie”, i.e. “Skantie”, “Toxie”, “Antagonie”, “Envy”! (Again, so francais!)
“Meager” = “Meeger”. “Vulgar” =”Vulgaar” (so Vogue!)
“Insolentia” and “Inimicalle”. Could you dream up names more stylish and wonderfully snobby for your next multiple birth? I think not.
I know you think my thinking is pretty far fetched, but really, we’ve been dabbling in this arena for a long while now, with names like “Vanity”,”Bum”, “Desiree”, “Slut”…oh wait, I guess “slut” isn’t actually a “name”, it’s just the name I use to refer to all the bitches in my life behind their backs.
Anyways, just wanted to throw this out there, something for you to think about!
Kisses and Hisses! XHXHXHXH Mwah!
PS. I know, I was all inconsistent, inaccurate and “wonky” with the haphazard use of parentheses in my diatribe. I must admit, I subscribe to a much more “emotional” use of punctuation, using certain symbols when it “feels” right, versus “intelligent” and “grammatically correct”. Hey, don’t judge me, I’m sure you got the jist of what I was saying.