Posts Tagged ‘friends

29
Apr
08

Will YOU Please Go To Wild Waves With Me? *please*

I know it’s not quite warm enough yet, but it will be soon. And I really, really, really want to go to Wild Waves. I saw a commercial today for this new casino with this kick-ass waterpark, and it just got me all excited for summertime again. And since I really shouldn’t be going to casinos-not because of the gambling, but because it’s on an indian reservation, and no doubt it’d spark a drinking binge for me-the next best thing is our sooper-cool Six Flags ThemePark Enchanted Village/Wild Waves!!!

(Actually, the Enchanted Village part is really gimpy. It’s more like those cheesy portable rodeo carnivals with the ancient rickety rides you’re sure are going to collapse and fall apart on you, crushing you to death in a smoking heap of rust of cracked plastic) But the Wild Waves part really is hella fun and sooper kewl. I’m designing my own waterslide that I hope the Six Flags people will buy from me, I think it would be a runaway smash sensation with both kids and parents and even old folks alike. It would be called the LeDonna Lee Lightening Locomotive (TM) Liquid Luge (and FunTime Silicone Lubricant wading Pool). It would look something like this:

Now I know what you’re thinking, it LOOKS like it would just be any other regular old waterslide, but oh no, this one is different. Rather than cascading down the twisted mountain of loops, curves and swerves on water, (so yesterday!) you and your friends will be gliding along a lightweight film of AstroLube, splashing down into an luxuriously exhilarating lagoon of cherry-flavored cellulose carbohydrate personal lubricant! (Banana flavor is available every Wednesday and the third Friday night of the month) Since it’s 99.3% water, it’s easily hosed off by our onsite Personal Powerwash SuperShower! And if you’re liking what you’re feeling, you can just continue the fun down at the LD Lover’s Lounge where you can frolic in the Hasbro(TM) Twister Tank, pin’ em down down at the MMA Brazilian Jujitsu Oil Wrestling Arena,or just turn down the lights and up the love in the LD Orgymatic Freelovin’ Nub Hut (maximum capacity 458 ) brought to you by Budweiser and our friends at Durex. Oh, and mark your calendars-next summer I hope to add on the bodacious LeDonnarama Disko Bootie Barn and Anal LuvHut. See you all there!

I’m really sad, because my boyfriend refuses to go to Wild Waves with me. He says swimming in public pools is unsanitary, and he picked up the ringworm one time when he went to a waterpark as a kid. Personally, I think he just doesn’t want to admit he probably got it from himself. {I know what a secret poop-picker upper he was when he was a kid. Ooops, I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that.} Sorry, hun. Besides, I’m not afraid of anybody’s funky old ringworm! I have my own chiggers and body lice, that’ll scare any old puss-ass ringworm away! Shoo!

I think this deep-seeded desire for aquatastic beachtime summer fun stems from a deficit from my childhood. As a young adolescent, I was overweight and abhorrently pale, and would rather endure the flames of a thousand fires than expose the world to my obscene fleshiness in a bathing suit or shorts.As a result I rarely spent much time in the sun (which lead to the vicious circle of continuous pastiness and obesity, as one generally cannot get a tan if their skin is never exposed to the sun, and one cannot shed pounds if their lard ass refuses to move). There was one time that I gathered up enough nerve to go to Waterworld with a few of my other calorically-challenged friends. Here we are posing for the camera in an effort to appear happy, footloose and fancy-free:

Of course, I’m the one one the right, the redhead. (I always made sure I was the runt of the litter, subversively choosing my friends that made me look thinner. I know, I know, it’s a self-esteem issue)

Also, I remember I was always trying to get my parents to take me out to a waterpark, or even to a neighborhood swimming pool. But they never really had the time, they were always busy working at the store. Finally, Mama caved in and got me this thing here to shut me up:

I’m not sure what that was, I think she emptied out one of her old plastic shoe bins. It was fun and all, but somehow, it just didn’t quite do the trick. My heart still yearned for just a little something more.

So please, would you please, accompany me to Wild Waves this summer! We can get a Season Pass, or maybe cash in some Pepsi Cans and get $5 off an EarlyBird admission. It’ll be fun. We’ll get matching sunburns, drink $6 fountain pops, and maybe even come out of it with an ear infection!! Yay!!! Thank you so much, you’re the best! I can’t wait! Woo Hoo! Yay!!!!! I’m goin’ to Wild Waves! I’m goin’to Wild Waves! (Insert “Happy Dance” here)

26
Apr
08

life is so unfair…but in a good way

This is me and my friends at 18, circa 1988:

Can you guess which one is me? Hint: I’m wearing something made out of stolen trailer park drapes.

Now, this is my daughter and her friends at 18:

Actually, they’re not quite 18 in this pic, but still??? WTF??? These kids all look like supermodels.! Me-I looked like a reject from a Depeche Mode video casting call. What the hell happened? Is it something in the water? What are we feeding these kids that’s causing them to mature so damn fast? We simply cannot be from the same genepool. My theory is I was kidnapped by the government and held unconscious for several days at a CIA Population Control Camp, where my own aesthetically inferior fetus was extracted and replaced by a genetically perfect cyborg babybot vastly superior in both beauty and intellect to her subpar maternal host. This was part of a covert environmental welfare initiative started by our nations leaders targeted at homely or odd looking individuals who have the potential to further pollute our nation’s landscape by spawning future generations of ugly children.Removal of the uncomely child was considered to be beneficial to the overall psychiatric well being of the parents, as well as the entire nation, because let’s face it-nobody wants to look at an ugly child, let alone be burdened with the awesome responsibilty of loving it and nuturing it for 18 years. It was a bold move by our leaders to drop the number of child neglect and abandonment cases nationwide, as well as a cooperative effort with Abercrombie and Fitch to secure their future customer base.

Indeed, this child is far too spectacular to be the authentic fruit of my womb. But I’m proud of her, and I love her as if she were a chip off the ol’ ovary. {Oh, and if you’re wondering what happened to all the left over ugly fetuses…I’m not sure, but I think the government recycled most of them into cattle feed, although I did hear of some going on to be used in some innovative new research and development in the health and beauty field, quite possibly extracting the collagen and other vital tissues to make some really kick ass lip-plumpers and wrinkle-fillers for the rich and celebutized. Which is great, if you think of it, because it’s using something that once would have been ugly, and using it to make something pretty and tolerable to the mutton-headed masses! Hoo-ray!

25
Apr
08

Great New Recipe Idea!

While we’re on the subject of food, and since I’m a bonafide chef myself (LOL! Ok, I can’t make that claim with a straight face, not even sarcastically)…well, I mean, since I work close to chefs, and do manage to absorb some of their outstanding food knowledge via osmosis {and also by rubbing some of the dishes into my skin, much like a salve. Sssshh, don’t tell, they may think it’s weird and revoke my Food Handler’s Permit) I figure I may as well add a cooking segment to my regular line-up of blog topics, so I can share my vast and profound love of all things edible with you all. After, no better way to unite friends and family than via the stomach, right? {And especially stomach lining…cause after all, everybody loves menudo! No silly, not the all-mexican boy band! Tripe, dorkus! Tripe!}

So today, I’m going to start by sharing with you a long-forgotten favorite of mine, but I’m going to show you how to prepare it with a chic new twist that’s really gonna knock the socks off your friends and family the next time you entertain. This will the first installment in my Cooking With Canned Meats series, as most of you know my affection for processed and potted meat products, not only for their superior texture and complex flavor profile, but also because they are non-perishable and we should all have a pantry full of these deliciously salty lifesavers on hand to get us by in case of a terrorist attack or if the big one hits. You think it can’t happen? You just wait and see what happens once that Barack Obama gets elected into the oval office! You’ll wish you’d stocked up on all that Spam when it was on sale during Spring Dollar Days at Albertson’s! 10 cans for $One Dollar!$ Only a damn fool would pass up a deal like that. Anyways, I’d advise you to print these handy recipes out and paste them onto convenient 3X5 index cards and keep them in a safe spot in your kitchen, because come election day, trust me, you’re gonna need them.

Ok, I’d like to introduce to you a favorite, but oft-forgotten member of the canned meat family. Some of you may not be familiar, or may have in the past even been a little frightened of this little fella, but I want to take this opportunity to ease those fears and encourage you to have an open mind. We’re about to embark on a culinary adventure that’s sure to surprise your tastebuds and leave you scratching your head, wondering why you were such a scared little sissy pants to begin with. So with no further adue, I’d like to bring out the delectible and delightful Ye Olde Oak Brand Lunch Tongue.

Now, Ye Olde Oak is my personal choice because of it’s long standing history of quality, but some of you may have a hard time finding it in stores, as it is a UK import. So, if Ye Olde Oak cannot be found, you can always substitute Tom Piper tongues in a pinch.

Now, do be aware that Tom Piper is not 100% pure beef tongue, like Ye Olde Oak, so you’re going to detect some lamb in there, and maybe some elk, antelope, llama, yak, and I think I’ve even detected a hint of dingo once or twice. The nice thing though, is although you would expect a gamier taste, it is surprisingly mild, with possesses a richness and complexity in character that straight beef tongue just really doesn’t have. So choose which ever one is most pleasing to you.

Alright, now that our secret ingredient has been unveiled, it’s onto the recipe of the day. We are going to be making a luscious Lunch Tongue and Fois Gras Terrine served with a refreshing Pomegranate Chardonnay Jelly. It’s an elegant and refined take on a popular french favorite that your family is sure to love, and bonus! it takes great smeared on a triscuit.

LUNCH TONGUE AND FOIS GRAS TERRINE

12 cans lunch tongue, pureed

1/2 (approx. .75lbs) duck or goose liver/fois gras, cleaned and deveined (or leave the veins in, if you want more texture)

3 tsp. juice of pickled pigs feet

1 cup finely diced shallots

1 packet Lipton Onion Soup mix (this shit makes EVERYTHING taste good!)

Enough bacon strips to line loaf pan

Terrine dish or loaf pan, 5-6 cup capacity

Preheat oven to 200°F and line a small roasting pan with a folded kitchen towel or 6 layers of paper towels (this provides insulation so bottom of terrine won’t cook too quickly).

Sprinkle each lobe and any loose pieces of foie gras on both sides with halh of your pack of Lipton Onion Soup Mix. Sprinkle remaining mix into lunch tongue puree, mix well. Line the bottom and sides of terrine dish with bacon strips, be careful not to overlap.(Also, do not snack on any remaining leftover pieces of raw bacon, no matter how tempted you may be. I got really sick doing that one time.) Next,firmly press large lobe of foie gras, smooth side down, into bottom. (Wedge any loose pieces of foie gras into terrine to make lobe fit snugly.) Sprinkle with diced onions. Now, slather the lunch tongue mixture into terrine and firmly press down to create a flat surface and snug fit. Sprinkle with remaining diced onions. Cover surface with plastic wrap, then cover terrine with lid or foil.

Put terrine (with plastic wrap and lid) in roasting pan and fill roasting pan with enough hot water to reach halfway up side of terrine. Bake in middle of oven until an instant-read thermometer inserted diagonally into center of foie gras registers 120°F, 1 to 1 1/2 hours, or 160°F (for USDA standards), about 3 1/2 hours.

Remove terrine from pan. Discard water and remove towel. Return terrine to roasting pan and remove lid. Put wrapped cardboard directly on surface of terrine and set a weight on cardboard (this will force fat to surface; don’t worry if fat overflows). Let stand at room temperature 20 minutes.

Remove weight and cardboard and spoon any fat that has dripped over side of terrine back onto top (fat will seal terrine). Chill, covered, until solid, at least 1 day.

Unmold foie gras by running a hot knife around edge. Invert onto a plate and reinvert, fat side up, onto serving dish. Cut into slices with a heated sharp knife, serve with Pomegranate Chardonnay Jelly (see below)

POMEGRANATE CHARDONNAY JELLY

3 1/2 cups chardonnay (try to use the good stuff for the best flavor, save your Boone’s Farm for the after dinner party)

1/2 cup fresh pomegranate juice

1 (2 ounce) package dry pectin

4 1/2 cups white sugar

  1. Combine wine, lemon juice, and pectin in a large saucepot. Bring to a boil, stirring frequently. Add sugar, stirring until dissolved. Return to a rolling boil. Boil hard 1 minute, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Skim foam off top, if necessary.
  2. Ladle hot jelly into hot, sterilized jars, leaving 1/2 inch headspace. Tighten 2 piece lids. Process for 5 minutes in boiling water bath.

***** On-The-Go Ho’s tip: If pinched for time, a shortcut solution of a half jug of wine to 1 pack cherry jello works just as well.Just tell em it’s pomegranate, they’ll never know the difference!*****

Bon Appetit!




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