Posts Tagged ‘funny

31
Dec
11

I just realized

**a good number of my blog posts are about me bitching about not blogging**

Time to change that.

I will no longer start each new post whining about how regretful I feel that I haven’t been blogging regularly. I will now just blog. About. Whatever.

Which is sort of how I roll anyways.

Or, I will not blog at all.

Which will pretty much speak for itself.

There. I am empowered.

31
Mar
10

Being sick sucks :(

Sorry folks, I haven’t been posting lately because I have been feeling rather under-the-weather. And I’m not quite sure why, but my illnesses always seem to align themselves with my menstrual cycle. Which just has to be proof of a larger, much more nefarious conspiracy at hand here. It it pretty obvious that there is some sinister force that is out to cripple me psychically or at the very least just really gets its jollies by metaphorically pissing on me while I’m down. Damn you satan, quit fucking with my fung shui. Leave me alone. Your attempts at derailing me and curtailing my acid-tongued malignment of your pitiful minions (I.e. Kate Gosselin and others) are weak and effects are short-lived.

I may have fallen down, but I can, and will get up. Thanks to my Life Alert Emergency Response Pendant (further proof there is a God), like The Phoenix I have risen from the ashes of my couch, and as Aerosmith and Gene Autry would say, I’m back in the saddle again. And although my senses are still a bit dulled (pleasantly) from overgorging on NyQuil, I’m sure I will find something sufficiently snarky to say in no time.

If I don’t puke first, then go back to sleep.

I will say, Kate did look sassy in that red get-up. It almost made up for her performance eroding into a sad gymboree play date with her kids.

19
Mar
10

what’s in a name, really?

I was watching The Young And The Restless today (as I always do, thank you, not that I feel I need to justify my unhealthy obsession with poorly written melodramas involving imaginary people that, for that hour, I forget this and think they are real.) One of the big storylines involves the swapping of a baby that was named “Hope” by her birthmother, and “Faith” by the woman who thinks she’s the baby mama. And I got to thinking…optimists seem to love giving their children names that express their sunshiny-warm feelings about the world, with names such as “Hope”, “Faith” “Charity”, “Serenity”, etc., etc.

I wonder why it has never become a trend amongst pessimists and the more Machivellian-minded to name their children after the main tenents of their core values? That could result in some pretty interesting new names in the baby world.I mean, they don’t even need to be viewed in the true context of the meaning of the word. The name could be used almost ironically, or just because the word sounds kinda cool. This should go over really well with celebrities who seem to enjoy naming their children after random names and concepts simply because they think they sound hip. For instance, do you think really Gwynneth Palthrow went with “Apple” because she loves fruit pies? Or that Nicole Ritchie named her son “Sparrow” because she veiws him as a delicate baby bird? Why not “Eagle” then…certainly that name would be more reflective of the type of bird I’d want my son to be if that was my angle. Not some wimpy bird that’s probably easily mauled by cats. Will her next child be named “Swallow”? That would be funny, there’s all sorts of connotations in that one. Or, if she decides to go with a fishy name, will she choose something meek and tiny, like “Guppy”, as opposed to a much more masculine, firmer sounding “Trout” , “Bass”, or even “Grouper”? (Wow, there’s all sorts of name possibilities latent in the fish world. “Cod”, “Flipper”, “Flounder”, “Tetra”, “Trigger”…I could go on for days!)

Or  take Gwen Stefani’s son Zuma…I don’t think she really believes her son will grow up to be some sort of king of the jungle, just as if she bears a sister and decides to call her “Zima”, she wouldn’t be proclaiming her love of a really lame early 90’s malt liquor beverage. It would probably be because the names sound good together. Little Zuma and Zima. What a darling pair! Really, it’s a shame they aren’t twins!

I mean, why don’t we try names like “Greed”? That would be a fine name for a boy. It sounds almost kind of regal, well-bred. We already have people naming their kids “Green”, or “Greenlee” like on All MyChildren.  We could maybe cange the lettering a little. Maybe “Gried”. See! That would be a swell name for a baby brother to Brooke Sheild’s lil’ girl Greir!

Think about it? Was Evel Kenievel sociopathically nefarious? No! Although he may have shown questionable judgement at times, it made a really cool name for a dude who flys his motorcycle over parked cars! And what a flair for marketing he must have had! He must have known that was a great name for an action figure!

Here is a list of more pessamistically or sinfully minded, but could be really hella cool, names I have come up with.

“Malice”, or “Malyce” (Great for families with siblings named “Maddox”, “Madeline”, “Miranda”, “Mathilda”!)

Avarice,  Avareese,  or Av’arice (Could be a delightful baby brother to sister named Ava!)

Deespaire, or D’Spare (Good one for an up-and-coming DJ)

Doom (Think “Doom McKay!”Awesome.)

Apathie (Has a nice French feel, don’tcha think?)

Arrogaunce (He could have been plucked strait from the Shire it sounds so Lord Of The Rings!)

Blame (Great soap name, along the lines of “Blade”, “Flame”) (Ok, I have never heard  of anyone named “Flame”, but hey, that’s kinda cool too)

Mizzerrie (Again, it’s got that French feel, and it wouldn’t surprise me some middle school goth hasn’t beat me to the punch on this one!)

Bitter. (It’s nice and and punk rock, you know. Like, “Bitter Johansson”. “Bitter Blakefield”. “Bitter O’Brien”. “Bitter Jones”. “Bitter Nyugen”. The possibilities are endless)

Madness  (“Madness Mulligan”. Perfect!) Or, simply “Mad”. We already use “Maddie”, so it’s really not a stretch.

Pretentious (“Pretentious Peterson”! Precious!)

Scorne

Skitzo (“Skitzo McGee”! See! Also, good creepy clown name)

Siko  (Long or Short “I”, they both work)

Tarde

Jerk (Good Old “Jerk McJames”! Or “Jerk Jagger”. Or, “Jerk J. Smith”. Very versatile, this one.)

Pryde

Lustie

Really, there are lots of single-syllable words that would make very trendy new names. Words such as “Fury”, “Rage”, “Slay”, “Murk”, “Glut”, “Crave”, “Boor”, “Spaz”, “Scum”, “Sludge”, “Stinge”, “Hanker”, “Ego”, “Death”, “Desire”, “Shallow”, “Raw”, “Rough”,”Trash” and “Fungus”…shouldn’t be just monikers limited to punk rockers, comic books and soap operas, but names for a new, fresh and edgy wave of alterna-babes and social misfits defining and leading a new generation.

Other poly-syllabic words can get a breezy and refreshing twist with plays on spelling and pronunciation. A little tweeking of vocal inflection…and you’ve got a totally cute new baby name! Hey, it worked for Nick Cage’s “Asswipe/Assswipe'” famous character on SNL. That was so freaking funny!

Try taking “Obstinate”. Sounds a little harsh and brutal in its original form. But jazz it up as “Aubstienaat”- it becomes very chic in a Eurotrash/Krautrock kinda way.

“Odious” doesn’t have to mean “stinky”.  He could be part of a new wave of great Greek philosophers!

“Skanty” “Antagony” “Toxic”, “Envy” all become super-cute when you add an “ie”, i.e. “Skantie”, “Toxie”, “Antagonie”, “Envy”! (Again, so francais!)

“Meager” = “Meeger”. “Vulgar” =”Vulgaar” (so Vogue!)

“Insolentia” and “Inimicalle”. Could you dream up names more stylish and wonderfully snobby for your next multiple birth? I think not.

I know you think my thinking is pretty far fetched, but really, we’ve been dabbling in this arena for a long while now, with names like “Vanity”,”Bum”, “Desiree”, “Slut”…oh wait, I guess “slut” isn’t actually a “name”, it’s just the name I use to refer to all the bitches in my life behind their backs.

Anyways, just wanted to throw this out there, something for you to think about!

Kisses and Hisses! XHXHXHXH Mwah!

LD 😀

PS. I know, I was all inconsistent, inaccurate and “wonky” with the haphazard use of parentheses in my diatribe. I must admit, I subscribe to a much more “emotional” use of punctuation, using certain symbols when it “feels” right, versus “intelligent” and “grammatically correct”. Hey, don’t judge me, I’m sure you got the jist of what I was saying.

12
May
08

The Fascinating Untold Truth About The Beatles, Manson,Helter Skelter,Roman Polanski and How I Figured Out I’m Rosemary’s Baby

********AUTHOR’S NOTE: I just want it to be known when I found this piece on the Beatles, I thought of it as a hilarious conspiracy theory, a fun and twisted take on linking together these darker bits of pop culture. I don’t believe in, or subscribe to, the content of  the following articles. In my mind, it just made sort of a “news of the weird” thing to laugh at. HA HA HA! See. Just like that. 😀  Thank you!

Yep, that’s ME. Well, at least, that’s how I feel most of the time,lolololololol………. Hey, I was born in 1969, I was adopted…I have 6 toes on each of my cloven feet…

HA! My feet are funky, but not quite to that extent.

So, this is what I read about the Beatles, The Devil, the Manson murders and the Polanski connection. It’s copied from the website http://stargods.org/BeatlesEvil.html.

The Beatles were satanists that had made a pact with the devil, and the bill had to be paid to the coven. Every band that has made a pact with satan has had a member die. Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Beatles, The Who, etc. In an interview with Barbara Walters, Lennon assassin Mark David Chapman clearly demonstrated that he was a satanist. In other words he was an errand boy collecting the payment for satan’s bill.

“Alone in my apartment back in Honolulu, I would strip naked and put on Beatles records and pray to Satan to give me the strength. I prayed for demons to enter my body to give me the power to kill” (cited by Evangelist Richard Ciarrocca, Observations, Dec. 1990).

“In his book, The Ultimate Evil, investigator-author Maury Terry writes that between 1966 and 1967, the Satanic cult, the Process Church, ‘sought to recruit the Beatles.'”

The Beatles’ Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album was dedicated to satanist Aleister Crowley. It was released 20 years, nearly to the day, after Crowley’s death in 1947. The title song with the lyrics, “It was twenty years ago today…” On the album cover we see a collection of the Beatles personal heros. Aleister Crowley appears there.

Crowley was born in 1875 and was called the “Great Beast.” He was known to practice ritual child sacrifice regularly, in his role as Satan’s high priest or “Magus.” Crowley died in 1947 due to complications of his huge heroin addiction. Before dying, he succeeded in establishing Satanic covens in many U.S. cities including Hollywood. Kenneth Anger, like Crowley, is a Magus, and appears to be the heir to Crowley. Anger was seventeen years old when Crowley died. In that same year, 1947, Anger was already producing and directing films which, even by today’s standards, reek of pure evil.” – http://www.geocities.com/mmiddleton87/

A key link between the Beatles and the Process Church is Kenneth Anger, a follower of the “founding father” of modern Satanism, Aleister Crowley. Anger, born in 1930, and a child Hollywood movie star, became a devoted disciple of Crowley.

The movie Rosemary’s baby was filmed in the Dakota building were John Lennon was shot to death. It also appears that John Lennon knew the director personally. “The Director of Rosemary’s Baby was Roman Polanski. (At a party in California in 1973, Lennon ‘went berserk, hurling a chair out the window, smashing mirrors, heaving a TV against the wall, and screaming nonsense about film director Roman Polanski being to blame’ – Giuliano)

It’s also interesting to note that when the Beatles went to India to see the Yogi, John Lennon took along Mia Farrow star of the movie Rosemary’s Baby. It would appear that birds of the same occult coven flock together.

Did this nobody Director make a pact with the Hollywood coven in order that he be given a very choice script. So what is the price for fame in the underworld. It is the killing of your baby! This fact is even stressed in the movie. The coven in the movie demand Rosemary’s baby in return for her husband’s success and Hollywood fame.

It was an amazing coincidence that the film had a plot that would be similarly played out a year later – Polanski’s pregnant actress/wife Sharon Tate would be murdered by Charles Manson’s followers.

The murder of his wife appears to be pre-payment for an Academy Award nomination for Polanski’s Best Adapted Screenplay. This movie was a critically-acclaimed and a commercially successful film.

Weeks before Lennon’s death, on his latest album there was a song by Yoko Ono titled Kiss Kiss Kiss. When played backwards one can hear Yoko say, “I shot John Lennon.” This is the same album that John Chapman listened to over and over again! Was Chapman under mind control induced by the album.

Now enter another mind control victim by the name of Charles Manson another santanic bill collector. His followers saw to it that Roman Polanski’s wife was killed along with the baby. In the movie Rosemary’s Baby, it is stressed that there is occult power in babies blood. Could this be the reason why Sharon Tate’s baby was almost taken out of the womb by Susan Aktins Sadie who wanted to cut out the baby, but couldn’t because there hadn’t been time. They wanted to take out the eyes of the people, and squash them against the walls, and cut off their fingers. “We were going to mutilate them, but we didn’t have a chance to.”

Rosemary the main character in the movie, and was to have her baby taken away, had the nickname “Ro.” I wonder what Roman Polanski’s (who in real life had his baby murdered) nick name was? By the way, holly wood is what magicians wands are made from, and stars are the points of light that shine forth Lucifer’s occultist wisdom.

Now that we know Mark Chapman and Manson were receiving messages from albums, let’s take it even further. Remember the Beatles White Album that Charles Manson received his murderous orders from.


Sexy Sadie what have you done
 
The Beatles
 

Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme
 
John Lennon Murder
 
Conclusion
 
Coincidences

Roman Polanski movie,
Knife in the Water 1962

George Harrison attacked by man with knife.

All through the movie Help, Ringo Star is often chased by religious fanatics that are armed with a knife.

Susan Atkins was going to remove Sharon Tates baby with a knife.

Notes and Quotes

Sharon Tate’s unborn baby, killed by the Manson family, was named Paul Richard Polanski.

Theatrical Release: Rosemary’s Baby
June 12 1968

There is no comfort in the coven of the witch Some very clever doctor went and sterilized the bitch And the only man of energy, (Manson) yes the revolution’s pride (Manson) He trained a hundred women just to kill an unborn child.
—Leonard Cohen-
“No Diamonds in the Mine”

Sharon Tate
Date of birth (location)
24 January 1943, Dallas, Texas, USA
Date of death:
9 August 1969,

Note the three 9s in this date. Inverted it becomes 666! The number of Rosemary’s baby.


Rosemary’s Baby

My feeling is that that the Beatles were members of the same Hollywood occult coven that Roman Polanski was. The Movie Rosemary’s Baby was a future template of what was going to happen to Polanski’s wife Sharon Tate. Also the songs recorded by the Beatles seem to indicate that they knew what was going to take place. I believe that songs like Helter Skelter, which Charles Manson felt he got his orders to kill from, were recorded by the Beatles for that express purpose.

As in the movie Rosemary’s Baby, I believe Sharon Tate was manipulated and set up by all the people that she trusted and loved including her own husband. She was the sacrifice to satan for all Polanski’s success. I for one was not fooled by his tears during his interviews.

At some point, Farrow allegedly feared she would be the next victim of the murder spree

1968 excursion to India, and John Lennon of The Beatles wrote ‘Dear Prudence’ (also a song on White Album) for Mia Farrow’s younger sister

Mark Chapman was the name of Lennon’s killer – Winifred Chapman was the maid who had first found the bodies at 10050 Cielo Drive.

And, I also feel that Anton Szandor LaVey, the founder of The Church of Satan – to whom the Family members (especially Susan Atkins)is the leader of the Hollywood Coven.

“HINCKLEY followed as exactly as he possibly could EVERY SINGLE MOVE that Mark David CHAPMAN had made, in the days before CHAPMAN murdered John Lennon.

Even MORE bizarre: at the time of their respective arrests following both shooting incidents, John Hinckley AND Mark David Chapman were each carrying on their person a paperback copy of the J.D. Salinger novel, ’CATCHER IN THE RYE.’ (AS did the MK-Ultra mind-controlled assassin Jerry played by Mel Gibson in the surprisingly revealing movie Conspiracy Theory.)

J.D. Salinger, certainly a gifted author, had SUBSTANTIAL and enduring ties to the U.S. intelligence community; in particular, the CIA. Was the book originally intended to be a mind-control programming tool? It’s hard to say, but not inconceivable.

SO: Hinckley traced Chapman’s footsteps, as it were, in an incredibly eerie AND incredibly REVEALING, scripted tableau; which culminated, as it did with Chapman, in mind-controlled Manchurian Candidate assassin Hinckley shooting his prey on the New York City streets.

Which indeed, brings up yet a FURTHER point. Hinckley FIRST CAME to New York WELL BEFORE his attempt to assassinate Reagan, in order to prepare himself for his assigned role by imitating Chapman’s moves and actions of a few months before.

SO: HOW did Hinckley KNOW, several weeks BEFORE-hand, that Reagan was going to be at the place in New York City were Hinckley would shoot him, AND the DAY and TIME Reagan would be there??

SOMEBODY on the “INSIDE,” who knew Reagan’s schedule some time in advance, positioned Hinckley in New York well before the date of the attempted assassination of Reagan.

Somebody like George BUSH, Sr., maybe? Trying to get a jump on taking over as President? Or, maybe just sending ol’ Ronnie a VERY strong, clear message about who the “boss” really was…
Written by NewsHawk

Recently George Harrison died from cancer. In the murky world of the occult there are many convenient deaths due to cancer. The occult bill collector had already come once in a previous failed attempt to kill Harrison with a knife. I find this rather curios when comparing real life to the Beatle movie called Help. In the movie Ringo is given a ring that makes him the target of a cult which wants to sacrifice him! They continually chase after him with a knife!

SANTA MONICA, December 30, 1999 — Another Beatle victimized by violence.

Ex-Mop Top George Harrison was stabbed at his London-area home today by a knife-wielding intruder, reports say.

Harrison, 56, was stabbed once in the chest before fending off the attacker. His wife, Olivia, suffered minor head injuries in the attack, but did not require hospitalization….The attack, which reportedly took place sometime around 3:30 a.m. London time, was said to have shocked residents of the quiet, upper-class community of Henley-On-Thames. Harrison’s estate was thought to be particularly well guarded. It reportedly featured 24-hour security, patrol dogs and barbed wire fencing. British authorities said they were investigating burglary as a possible motive.

A 33-year-old man — a resident of the Beatles’ own Liverpool — was arrested and booked on suspicion of attempted murder.

Harrison’s stabbing comes 19 years after fellow ex-bandmate John Lennon was shot and killed outside his New York apartment by obsessed fan Mark David Chapman.

By Jim Bartoo, Hollywood.com Staff
Occultists often use so called sacred numbers to bring them power. Sacrifices are often made on the bases of these numbers. Prime sacred numbers are 3, 6, 7, 9, 11. Sacred multiples are 19, 21, 33.

Note the year that Harrison’s attack took place. It was in 1999. Inverted with the number one left out you have 666, the most sacred number of all. He was 56 years old. 5+6= 11 which is a very sacred number. Note too that he is stabbed by a man who just happens to be 33 years old. This too is a very sacred number since it is 3X11. He was also attacked around 3:30 am (33).

Another interesting event was that Prime Minister Chretien of Canada was attacked by a young man with knife too. The man somehow got through the intense home security and found his way in to into the Prime Ministers home late at night. This murder attempt too had failed.

Amazing too is how years later with President Ford in the White House, then Vice President Nelson Rockefeller was just a heartbeat away from becoming leader of the free world. With Rocky as Vice President, if anything should befall Ford at that time, he would instantly become President. Well, time to send in Manson’s followers once again.

One of his followers Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme who steps out in a failed assassination attempt against President Ford. (September 5, 1975) Two weeks later another woman Sara Jane Moore attempts another assassination San Francisco with a handgun. (September 22, 1975)

Squeaky claimed that she did not attempt to kill President Ford, because she never injected a bullet from the handle into the chamber. Was she under mind control? Could she of been programmed just to show up with a gun?

“They’re COMPLETELY ANTI-CHRIST. I mean, I am anti-Christ as well, but they’re so anti-Christ they shock me which isn’t an easy thing.” Derek Taylor, Press Officer for the Beatles

“I believed that he was Satan himself at times” George Martin, Beatles Producer

“Jesus, a garlic-eating, stinking little yellow, greasy fascist bastard catholic Spaniard.” (John Lennon, A Spaniard in the Works, p.14)

“Christianity will go, it will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue about that. I’m right and will be proved right. You just wait.. . .We’re more powerfull than Jesus ever was..” John Lennon

On the album there is a song called Sexy Sadie. Well it turns out that this was the nickname of Susan Atkins. Now “Sadie Mae Glutz was the alias given to the Family member Susan Atkins by Manson even before the appearance of the White Album song ‘Sexy Sadie!’ –http://www.phinnweb.com/livingroom/rosemary/

It was Sadies testimony in court that brought an end to the Manson family. Now read the lyrics below from the Beatles song Sexy Sadie.

Sexy Sady “White album” Year 1968

Sexy Sadie what have you done
You made a fool of everyone
You made a fool of everyone
Sexy Sadie ooh what have you done.

Sexy Sadie you broke the rules
You layed it down for all (the court) to see
You layed it down for all to see
Sexy Sadie oooh you broke the rules.

One sunny day the world was waiting for a lover
She came along to turn on everyone
Sexy Sadie the greatest (Manson killer)of them all.

(Susan Atkins was a sexual lover of the Manson family)

Sexy Sadie how did you know
The world was waiting just for you
The world was waiting just for you
Sexy Sadie oooh how did you know.

Sexy Sadie you’ll get yours yet
However big you think you are
However big you think you are
Sexy Sadie oooh you’ll get yours yet.

Susan Atkins often bragged and boasted.

We gave her everything we owned just to sit at her table
Just a smile would lighten everything
Sexy Sadie she’s the latest and the greatest of them all.

She made a fool of everyone
Sexy Sadie.

However big you think you are
Sexy Sadie.
Brackets by author.

Another nickname of Susan Atkins was Sadie Mae Glutz

Maggie Mae (Written by Lennon/McCartney/Harrison/Starkey)
Album “Let it be” Year 1970

Oh dirty Maggie Mae they have taken her away
And she never walk down Lime Street any more
Oh the judge he guilty found her
For robbing a homeward bounder
That dirty no good robbin’ Maggie Mae
To the port of Liverpool
They returned me to
Two pounds ten a week, that was my pay.

Beatles “Let It Be” Album
May 8th 1970

Speculation: Could the above lyrics also be a metaphor for black mail?

So why was Sharon Tate chosen to die. My feeling is that Roman Polanski made a pact with the Hollywood coven. This was an exchange for his child so that he be given fame and success. He was a nobody movie director till he was handed a script that would make him an instant success. So why give a major script to a basically unknown director and not a well established director? Why is because of his agreed sacrificial offering that would have to be made in the future. Manson would be the grocery clerk coming for the payment of the bill.

Suasan Atkins Sadie had stated that Sharon Tate had been the last to die because, “She had to watch the others die.” By all accounts, Tate died in excruciating fear and agony. Bugliosi gives Atkins’ account: she was holding Sharon Tate at the time and, “Tex came back and he looked at her and he said, ‘Kill her.” And I killed her… And I just stabbed her and she fell, and I stabbed her again. I don’t know how many times I stabbed her…” Sharon begged for the life of her baby, but Atkins told her, “Shut up. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Before he killed him, Charles “Tex” Watson told Voytek Frykowski: ‘I am the Devil and I am here to do the Devil’s business.’” Months later at the trial, Manson’s “disciples” were said to have been utterly under his power.

11
May
08

My New Favorite Song

Falling Down – Scarlett Johansson

Damn you, Scarlett Johansson. I’m trying to hate you here, with all of your pouty-lipped seductive perfection. That was supposed to be me who loved in the elevator with Benecio  Del Toro.  Seriously! He was looking for me, but there you were, already in the elevator shaft , obviously lookin’ for some shaft, then Benecio walks in and you just jumped on that poor man like a spider takes down the fly, and you not only sucked out his life blood, but you  defiled him, in an act of lewdness so vile it was a mockery of that horrible Aerosmith song. You heathen hussy! He was supposed to be MINE! The latino men all love ME. ME. Not you! You already have every white man in America hot for you, at least leave the latin love for me. Thank God! for Benecio, don’t worry my love, there will be other days, other elevators, more  opportunites.  You will not cock-block me next time, O Ye Scarlett Wench!

Oh but yeah,  your new song is really kick-ass.  Seriously, I really, really love it.  I have to hand it to you, I wasn’t expecting anything nearly this cool coming from the likes of you. I had pegged you as more of a Jay-Z or P-Diddy protege. Maybe called “Scar J”, or something like that. I could see you all hooched out with scarlet sequined booty pants and a matching red vinyl bra to show off your “gurls” { editors note: Scarlett refers to her boobs as “her girls”}, and maybe a funky fresh grill with “Scar J” in rubies. From a distance, all that red on your teeth could look like bleeding, like maybe you’d been punched by your baby’s daddy or had a bad case of the meth mouth.

Ok, no, that’s not true. Sadly, I know Scarlett is not that kind of girl. I have to resign my self to admit not only is she breathtakingly gorgeous, she is immensly talented. There! You happy! I said it. I am waving my white flag. I surrender to the splendor of Scarlett.  She got me on that SNL show she hosted.  I was hooked, I became a believer, not a hater.

 Seriously, the song is great and I am really looking forward to hearing the rest of the record. From what I’ve read, NME has given it stellar reviews, calling it “brilliant” and “sure to top some best of 2008 lists”. And I always stand by my NME as an excellent gauge of musical authority…unless they’re talking about Coldplay. {Sorry! I just could never get into them. Possibly…due to a subliminal Gwyneth Paltrow resentment connection. Oh, and that thing about Chris Martin sounding like a congested muppet, or  like Dave Matthews  but having an asthma attack. BTW… WHY did they name their kid APPLE?” Thankfully it wasn’t a multiple birth, or we would’ve had sisters Pear” , “Plum” and Apricot”.  (Actually, I think she already has a friend named Plum, as in Plum Sykes, author of Bergdorf Blondes and occasional contributor to Vogue. How I know this, I have no idea, especially since I have no intrerest in Gwynneth or her boring perfect life. Really.) I can’t even begin to fathom the fruity name they would come up with for a boy.  What fruit would be suitable to name a boy after? There really aren’t very many “manly” fruity names. I guess if you name a man after a fruit, it would be like calling him a fruit, and that would be a bit offensive to the gay community. Well, I suppose if there were a boy, she could just name him Tomato, and shorten it to to Tom. That’s right, tomato is indeed a fruit, and quite a masculine one at that. I love a good, rich, hearty, beefy tomato. Even more so when it sits atop a rich, hearty, manly patty of beef.  Sigh. Yum.

Oh, sorry…I got lost in my dreams of hamburger.  Wake up!

You know,  it really would have been hilarious if Gwynnie would have had a whole litter of pups, she could nickname the gang “Her Little Fruit Bowl!”} (and she would have to say it just like Butters on South Park)

Whoa Nelly! . Now that’s what I  call a tangent!

Kudos to Scarlett, anybody who can take Tom Waits music and work it into something that doesn’t make me want a lobotomy when I hear it…has magical abilities, and I am in awe.

30
Apr
08

Great New Quick Fix Meal Idea!

Where have you been all my life!???!!

CHEESEBURGER-IN-A-CAN!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

Yes, the bun,cheese and the condiments are included.

Too busy to grill up a hearty cheeseburger meal for the family, or even swing by the local fast food joint to pick up something pre-made? No worries, mi amigo. Convenience and portability have reached new all-time highs thanks to the ingenuity and culinary prowess of out German compadres. Yes, the same folks who brought us the trusted taste treats of sauerkraut, leberwurst (liver sausage) and schwarzsauer (blood soup), have managed to take the perfection of their homeland creation the Hamburg Steak, top it with cheese and a bunch of other savory accoutrements, and wait-the fun doesn’t just stop there- OH NO! Those crazy yodelin’ lederhosen-heads went off and figured out how to keep the great taste of a cheeseburger alive forever, or at least 5-7 years with the current average shelf-life expectancy. How? By cramming that sucker into a tin can, that’s how! Now you can take a whole bushel of cheeseburgers with you wherever you go! Toss ’em in your backpack! Keep ’em in the trunk of your car and have em ready the next time you break down, have a flat, or need to feed that young chinese boy you just abducted before you rape, torture and mutilate him. Of course you want your victims to have a delicious and nutritious last meal! If you’re lucky, you just might taste a hint of that cheeseburger yourself when you sit down to eat him. Yum! Double Deelite!

Cheeseburger-In-A-Can also makes a great gift! I use it as a stocking stuffer. Alex just loves it.

Cheeseburger-In-A-Can is quick and easy to prepare! Simply pop open the can and steam it using a double-boiler method. No double boiler? No worries, just try sticking it in the bathroom sink and let it warm up while you take a shower, or hold your iron up over the top of it and keep pressing the steam button. In about 30-45 minutes, your tasty cheeseburger should be at least lukewarm enough to keep yourself from gagging it up while you cram it down your maw. Now, how exactly do I know it’s ready you ask?  You’ll know Cheeseburger-In-A-Can is at it’s peak flavor profile when it looks like this:

Note the patty will be a uniform shade of greenish-grey. All Cheeseburgers-In-A-Can are precooked to a temperature of 165 degrees to ensure the prevention of nasty food-bourne illnesses. No sorry, no medium rare special orders here! Cheeseburger-In-A-Can wants you taste healthy goodness in every chewy, slimy bite, not the taste of bacterium and parasites! Yuk-O!

Don’t try to microwave Cheeseburger-In-A-Can, it just doesn’t work as well. Instead of a soggy glop of yeasty gump, your bun will magically petrify into a tooth-crushing magnesium-limeshale crust which is just murder on those fillings in your molars.

Cheeseburger-In-A-Can unfortunately is not readily available in stores, but you can order it pretty easily on line. The cost and the wait are well worth it. I’ve enjoyed Cheeseburger-In-A-Can so much I’ve ordered their new side dishes Taters-In-A-Can and Chicken Caesar-In-A-Jar. MMMnnnn! I can’t wait!




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