Posts Tagged ‘Health

26
Apr
08

life is so unfair…but in a good way

This is me and my friends at 18, circa 1988:

Can you guess which one is me? Hint: I’m wearing something made out of stolen trailer park drapes.

Now, this is my daughter and her friends at 18:

Actually, they’re not quite 18 in this pic, but still??? WTF??? These kids all look like supermodels.! Me-I looked like a reject from a Depeche Mode video casting call. What the hell happened? Is it something in the water? What are we feeding these kids that’s causing them to mature so damn fast? We simply cannot be from the same genepool. My theory is I was kidnapped by the government and held unconscious for several days at a CIA Population Control Camp, where my own aesthetically inferior fetus was extracted and replaced by a genetically perfect cyborg babybot vastly superior in both beauty and intellect to her subpar maternal host. This was part of a covert environmental welfare initiative started by our nations leaders targeted at homely or odd looking individuals who have the potential to further pollute our nation’s landscape by spawning future generations of ugly children.Removal of the uncomely child was considered to be beneficial to the overall psychiatric well being of the parents, as well as the entire nation, because let’s face it-nobody wants to look at an ugly child, let alone be burdened with the awesome responsibilty of loving it and nuturing it for 18 years. It was a bold move by our leaders to drop the number of child neglect and abandonment cases nationwide, as well as a cooperative effort with Abercrombie and Fitch to secure their future customer base.

Indeed, this child is far too spectacular to be the authentic fruit of my womb. But I’m proud of her, and I love her as if she were a chip off the ol’ ovary. {Oh, and if you’re wondering what happened to all the left over ugly fetuses…I’m not sure, but I think the government recycled most of them into cattle feed, although I did hear of some going on to be used in some innovative new research and development in the health and beauty field, quite possibly extracting the collagen and other vital tissues to make some really kick ass lip-plumpers and wrinkle-fillers for the rich and celebutized. Which is great, if you think of it, because it’s using something that once would have been ugly, and using it to make something pretty and tolerable to the mutton-headed masses! Hoo-ray!

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21
Apr
08

And while we’re on the subject…

This little guy here is a purple ribbon, which is often worn by many women who are survivors of domestic abuse and violence and is meant to symbolize courage, strength, hope, faith, and new beginnings.

But I just have one question, guys…

Purple???

Isn’t purple the international symbol of the bruise? I know we’re supposed to be recognizing domestic violence, but that’s kinda twisted. Aren’t we supposed to be celebrating the recovery of the victim, and not of the victim’s body? (Get what I’m saying here) Instead of purple ribbons that remind us of bruises, shouldn’t we perhaps have skin-colored ribbons to signify happy, healthy flesh that hasn’t been smacked, pinched, or poked with a fireplace poker. I spend a lot of time at Joanne’s and I know there have been great strides made in the field of ribbon design- I’m sure we can find a flesh-tone-friendly ribbon suitable for all skintones. (very pc, mai oui?)

I mean, when I think of the color purple, I think think of bruises. Or maybe Prince. Or that dastardly and frankly disturbing child molesting dinosaur Barney. Oh, and sometime times, Whoopi Goldberg, remember, she was in that movie The Color Purple? You know, the one that was all about slaves, and violence against black people and women and kids and stuff?

Wait a minute- I’m sensing some sort of a connection here. Is that where the domestic violence people got the idea for the purple ribbon, from the Whoopi Goldberg movie? And wasn’t Oprah in that, too? That must be it, I get it now. But still, they could have thought about it a little bit more and came up with a color that was just a little more happy. Maybe they could choose a color from another one one Whoopi’s movies, like, Sister Act, Jumping Jack Flash, or Ghost. Well, maybe not Ghost. We’re gonna leave that one out of the mix for right now, we’ll have to go back to it later when searching for inspiration for the Patrick Swayze Pancreatic Cancer commemorative tribute ribbon. Guys, I say salmon’s a good choice for that one, dontcha think? It’s kinda the same color as a pancreas, right?




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