Posts Tagged ‘Madonna

19
Mar
10

Further Proof I Am Insane…LeDonna Tunes Into The ENTIRE VMA’s (Originally posted 9/08/08 on MySpace)

Further Proof I Am Insane…LeDonna Tunes Into The ENTIRE VMA’s
Current mood:  cantankerous
Category: Music

Yes, I am crazy AND I have no life. Indeed, I did throw away about three hours of my life I will never be able to get back. I didn’t intend to…it just happened. I was watching Jim Gaffigan on Comedy Central and there was an ad. I didn’t even know they were going to be on! That’s a step in the right direction, isn’t it? In the past, I’d actually PLANNED to watch them.

However, I must preface that alarming disclaimer by footnoting that I planned to watch prior VMA’s 1) In the presence and company of my daughter (primarily to provide parental guidance and proper censorship, NOT just a cheap pathetic attempt at bonding, as some might think. I assure you, it was not. That was when we watched American Idol.) and 2) If Justin Timberlake was performing.

DON’T JUDGE ME!!! “Justified” was an awesome musical force of nature. (OK, not really, but it was a dance-tastic cheese-a-rrific rock-you-body-good time. You know it was.)

Plus, this was the 25th Anniversary of the VMA’s! Surely, there were to be classic performances, favorite stars making impromptu appearances, montages highlighting great moments in VMA history…like stuff from back in the day when MTV actually broadcasted music…so I was kinda excited. Again, I hadn’t seen any of the hype or advertising in the weeks prior, so I honestly didn’t know what I was in for.

Wow, I wish I had. I would have added at least 3 hours to my sleep life.

There was nothing. It was a complete yawn fest. No drunken Britney. No Justin. No exciting suprise performances by the likes of old school faves like Madonna (a la ‘Vogue’-still hands down all time pinnacle of  VMA perfection), KISS, Fat Axl Rose, Van Halen reunion…nothing. Just motherfucking JONAS BROTHERS!!!!

Like Nancy Kerrigan wailed after her knee was pulverized by that guy with the weird name I can’t remember who was bangin TonyaHarding…”WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!” is exactly what I was screetching as I clutched my head in bewilderment.

Confusing me more was the inclusion of  Kid Rock. I am sorry, I am so perplexed over this one. MTV could have picked one of 1000’s of veteran badasses to step in for a song. Especially for the 25th Anniversary???? I guess maybe Madonna was busy with A-Rod, and Bono was out ending poverty again. What about Pearl Jam? Or REM? I’m not even huge fans, but it would make more sense than fucking KID ROCK!!!! What about Duran Duran?? Vintage MTV goodness. I just saw them on Ellen 2 days ago! they would totally be up for it! “Hungry Like The Wolf” is on Rock Band 2!! It just makes sense!

The Cure…Depeche Mode…Radiohead…Bueller…

Bueller…

F@ck…I mean, what about Def Leppard?!  VH1 loves them! MTV, you made them! I’m sure they would gladly give up a date on the casino circuit to play for you. Motley Crue! Prince! Michael Jackson! He certainly could use the money!  I can think of about 10,000 other acts I’d rather see than Kid Rock, and much more fitting for a 25th Anniversary special.  Just another good reason why MTV as a whole just needs to be obliterated. Tool Of The Devil, that’s all it is.

Kid Rock…uggh,so heinous! So much so, I refuse to call ‘Kid Rock’. I’d rather refer to you as ‘Baby Pebbles’. I find that more fitting. You make one- maybe two- white trash anthems…and bang Pam Anderson for 10 minutes…and now you’re a rock legend???? You may be king of the doublewide, but you ain’t no cowboy, much less a painful memory of a bad flash in the pan. Dude looks like a catfish! I actually saw him in Webster’s next to the entry for “BottomFeeder”. Seriously, I hear he swims around in a stagnant pool of water feeding off algae and his own poop.

His hair is thinner than mine!

Please, stop. You peaked with your cameo in “Joe Dirt”. ‘Nuff said.

Truthfully, although it was painful, I’m glad I tuned into the VMA’s as I ended up with a smorgasborg of great nonsense to make fun of and sound off about. So much so, it will take many entries to do so. I am going to subdivide my commentary based on topic, providing ease of reference for my beloved readers. All 3 of you. Unless I get bored and forget.

XOXO,

LeDonna
Your Favorite VMA Commentator EVER.

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23
Apr
08

Mom!

You know, it figures it would have started right at the exact moment I just happened to hit puberty. The universe has its way of jacking with me like that. It gets a real big kick out of fucking with me, likes to tell me I’m an “easy target”. Yeah, I guess I always have been kinda gullible like that.

What the fuck am I talking about, you ask? And what is this nefarious “it” I’m pissing on about,and what does it have to do with that magical, yet subtly perturbing rite of passage that occurs when a girl takes her first wobbly steps down the golden path of her burgeoning womanhood? And, I don’t mean a bat mitzvah-that’s crazy, I’m not even Jewish. You know what I’m talking about.

That “it” is HER. HER!! Yeah, that her, as in the very famous lady in the picture you’re staring right at, who just happens to bear a name that is just too ridiculously similar to mine? You know who I’m talking about. That Miss Queen Of Media herself (no wait, that’s Perez!)…I mean, you know, Queen Of Pop, Queen of the World, Queen Of Sheba, Queen Of Shame, Queen Fucking Bee..whatever. Fucking queen of everything, MADONNA.

Do you have ANY idea what this woman has done to my life? Beginning at about age 13, she latched on to my psyche like a bloodsucking lamprey and has been gnawing her way through the corpulent bowels of my ego ever since. I mean, you remember when Madonna first exploded on the scene, and began herTerminator- esque quest for her Holy Grail of Complete and Total World Domination? Yeah, it was crazy, right? She was every where, you couldn’t escape her- radio, MTV, (or, Friday Night Videos for lame-o’s like me whose parents refused to get cable), the TV, magazines, album covers, posters, cds and cassettes flying all over the place…bad movies…Madonna t-shirts, bandannas, pins, notebooks,mugs, hats, underwear, outerwear, decorative tea cozys,vibrators…you name it, her face, name, ass, something-was on it. (Ok, I’m making up the vibrator part…but you know, now that I think of it…I wonder why there are no Madonna vibrators, dildos, scented massage oils…you think there would be, it’s a natural market…oh, wait,I’m getting a message here… what’s that? An anal plug? Really???? Ok, so, what you’re telling me is there was a limited edition anal plug Madonna was endorsing somewhere around 1987? Huh, interesting. I was not aware of that. Now, that little nugget should come in handy next trivia night!)

The point is that the 80’s were complete Madonna Mania for everyone, everywhere. Now, just stop for a second and put yourself in the shoes of someone whose name is almost just fucking like hers. It was hell, that’s what it was, pure and utter hell. The moment Borderline became a hit and the world fell under that damn strumpet’s spell, was the moment I ceased to be LeDonna…and morphed into LeDonna, The Ultimate Madonna Wannabe.

I didn’t even WANT to be like Madonna, really…ok, you got me. I suppose there was a certain moment when I would look upon her ever-increasing status as an entertainment, fashion and sex icon with perhaps a faint whisper of envy. And not that I particularly ever wanted to be any such thing myself…you know, beautiful, famous, wealthy, desired by the masses…oh, good heavens, no! Not me. No no no no no no.

Around the Sean Penn had dumped Madonna and she started showing up to awards shows with Micheal Jackson, I threw up my hands in defeat. Obviously, she was a creative force to be reckoned with, and much like that blasted ingrown toenail I’d been battling with since my freshman year that refused to heal-she certainly wasn’t about to give up and just go away, and in fact, was growing larger and more noticeable each and every day. I had to accept that Madonna had become a permanent cross-stitch in the fabric of my life.

It probably wouldn’t have bothered me so much that she had started this fashion phenomenon and all the hip girls were dressing like her and looking cute if I hadn’t been so damn fat. Those ripped tees,mesh tanks and black rubber bracelets that looked so cute on all the skinny girls-if you put that same outfit on me, I looked like something fished up out of the Hudson River. Now I’ll just throw on a dead body and maybe one of those plastic 6-pack holders…alright! Let’s go! I’m into the groove!

Everytime my name was mentioned, I would hear someone-somewhere-“Madonna”? As if, where?  Here?! No, dipshit. Madonna is no where in the vicinity, today’s not your lucky day, you didn’t win the lottery or anything. It’s just me. LE-D0N-NA.

When I’m introduced to someone, 9 times out of ten, they will look at me quizically and say,“Madonna?!”, like I’m fucking with them somehow, playing some silly name game. “You’re not Madonna!” is one I get a lot. “I’m NOT?” I’d shoot back in astonishment. “Good God, you’re absolutely right. What was I thinking? There I go again, just assuming the identity of some random celebrity as my own…damn shrink was supposed to adjust my medication. I’m so sorry, this won’t happen again”.

Then I would be forced to clarify. “No, It’s LeDonna, kinda like Madonna, but with an ‘L’ instead of ‘M’…and ‘e’ instead of ‘a’, but it still sounds the same! Oh, and I get a big D, not a little one like hers”.

“So it’s like two names?” gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I always dreaded the start of each new school year, because it was inevitable at least half the teachers would totally bungle my name, they could never tell if it was “Lee” or “Donna” or “Lee-Donna”,none of which were correct.

“So is your first name ‘Lee’, or is it ‘Donna’, and your middle name’s Lee?”

Yeah, Miss Lady with The Master’s Degree. My first name is Donna, middle name is Le, and my last name is Lee. That makes perfect sense. Donna Le Lee. Donna Le Lee, that’s me! You know, my mother was crazy, and yes, a touch redneck,but she wasn’t so out of her freaking mental galaxy that she would dream up a name as stoopid as “Donna Le Lee”. If she had, I surely would not be standing before right now, because I would have already committed suicide the moment I realized I was actually supposed to spend the rest of my days with a name that sounds like I’m a back-up dancer for Don Ho.

And please, let’s not even get started on my middle name.

“Alright, what’s your middle initial?”

“K.”

“What does that stand for?”

“Kay.”

“No, what does it stand for?”

“Kay.”

“No, I mean, what does the “K” stand for? ”

“Kay!”

“Honey, are you speaking spanish, is that it, are you trying to say ‘what’? I didn’t mean “que” as in “que-so”,I meant, what does the letter ‘K’ stand for in your name?”

“IT STANDS FOR KAY. K-A-Y, MOTHERFUCKING KAY! AS IN MARY ‘KAY’, RHYMES WITH GAY, KAY!!!! Do you understand me now?”

“Oh, yes, I see, Kay! LeDonna Kay Lee. My, isn’t that just the prettiest name!”

You four-eyed fat fuck of a liar. You don’t have to patronize. I know my name sucks.

Actually, I have made peace and grown to like my name. I think it sounds kinda cool, kinda like a movie star. LeDonna Lee. Which is awesome, because one day, I will be. I haven’t given up dreams of entertainment glory. As long as there are webcams and pornos, I still have hope.




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