Ok, I admit it. I am a completely sheep-minded, easily malleable, suggestible, susceptible, bidable, manipulable foon. My is brain is like a magnetic lump of silly putty-I am just that impressionable. Palm trees in Florida in the midst of hurricane season are not as easily swayed as I. I am the ultimate marketing quarry, a fledgling ad exec’s wet dream.
I am a sucker.
And because I am a sucker, I am easily worn down by repetition. Just ask my daughter. She has calculated out that although it can take an upwards of 86-90 pleas for me to break down and give into whatever the hell it is she wants at a given whim, I will give in eventually, and that’s more important than the time she has to invest in the asking. Some may frown upon this as wishy-washy and ineffectual parenting, but I beg to differ. By taking the time to wear me down with her incessant whimpers and demands, she learned early on very valuable life-skills such as persistence, goal-setting, and determination-the importance of never taking no for an answer!
So, it’s easy to see why, after years of being barraged by hundreds of thousands of exponentially annoying eHarmony commercials-you know the ones-with all the images of your prototypical white-bread,vanilla-bean-makes-me-reach-for-my-kaopectate-perfect couples( You know,like this one:
“Oh, we’re so normal! We’re so successful, but in a no-too-showy way! Oh, and we’re happy! So very very happy!!”) and promises to find MY perfect match-yes, MY perfect match -a match made based on pivotal information about me,my life, and all it’s inner tinkererings, gathered by detailed questionnaires focusing on 29-YES! TWENTY-NINE key Dimensions Of Compatibilty. Not 25. Not 26! Not even twen-ty-seven or twen-ty-EIGHT, but fuckin’ A, no shit, TWENTY NINE MOTHERFUCKING DIMENSIONS OF COSMIC COMPATIBILITY! Drop kick me,Jesus, through the goal posts of life! Hallefuckinlooyah, but that’s a certifiable shitton of personality dimensions. Now, I don’t know why there’s not thirty dimensions-I’m guessing the folks writing the profile have attention issues like myself, got bored and went, fuck it! Twenty-nine’s good enough! I’m takin’a nap! At anyrate,I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to take their free personality profile and find out for myself what all the hoohah was about, and honestly, I just couldn’t wait to find my soulmate.
So, I go through about 35 minutes of vaguely worded questions that I’m sure are supposed to be deep, complex, esoteric and soul-seeking, but are really flimsy little feel good beat-around-the-bush-isms that all center back to three key points of concern:
1) Are you happy,motivated,success-driven?
2) Do you have a lot of money?
3) Do you love the Baby Jesus? ***
*** Although ‘loving Baby Jesus’ is actually an implied theme, it is glaringly apparent this service is geared towards a more conservative, middle of the road client, folk who are most likely homely and have fostered an artificially superficial and optimistic outlook on life. Although I’m not one to generalize,these types generally tend to tend to fall into the Bible=thumping category.***
I felt there were large gaps in critical data one would need to decide if someone was an ideal match-hell, I wouldn’t even go out on a first date with the 7 hose-heads they wanted to hook me up with. The reality is the current eHarmony profile is a lot like a track house. It’s pretty on the outside, but on the inside, it’s a worthless piece of shit. And being the spearheading kind of gal I am, I took the liberty of contacting eHarmony and shared with them my critiques, and surprisingly, they were very open to suggestions and asked me to compile my own set of questions to enhance the current personality profile. Energized by the prospect of creating a vehicle that could deeply delve into the inner bowels of a persons soul and extract out the true essence of their fetid nature, I have come up with an amazing personality profiling tool. These questions get to the “meat” of the matter, so to speak, and reveal what we all truly want to know about our potential mates and their character.
NEW AND IMPROVED ADDENDUM TO LAMEASS eHARMONY QUESTIONNAIRE
rate on a scale of 1-5, with 1 suggesting Strongly Do Not Agree, 3 Neutral, 5 Strongly Agree:
1. I like to drink wine with my dinner.
2. I like to drink wine,or perhaps even beer,or possibly refreshing mixed drink beverage such as margaritas after dinner.
3. I like to drink wine, beer,whisky,vodka,mouthwash,or rubbing alcohol up until bedtime, or I pass out,whichever comes first.
4. I like to start my mornings with a breakfast of PBR and the Bible, and maybe some some sausage while I’m reading.
5.Drinking at lunchtime is one of my favorite pastimes.
6. Drinking on the job is how I aced my last promotion.
7.Drinking and driving doesn’t count if you’re a)less than a mile away from home or b) under 25 mph.
8. I would consider myself an advocate for the legalization of marijuana.
9. Video games are a great way to spend “together time”.
10. I would say cocaine or methamphetamine users often get a bad rap.
11. I am in favor of better dental care provisions to be available to crackheads and tweakers.
12. I look at Grand Theft Auto the same way I look at library books.
13. I routinely put out on a first date.
14. 100 one night stands with people whose names I cannot recall is really the norm for me.
15. I have sold my body for money. Or drugs. Or a piece of pizza.
16. Manufacturing illegal substances is a great way to supplement your income.
17. Jail time is not much more than a bar mitzvah-it’s a rite of passage.
18. Recycling bins are great makeshift nap areas in a pinch.
19. Criminal charges are a great way to meet sexy lawyers.
20.Living with schizophrenia really isn’t as debilitating as I thought it would be.
21. The voices I hear in my head mainly say positive things.
22. My neighbor’s medicine cabinet is a great source for Vicodin.
23. Hot tub parties with your neighbor’s spouse/partner is ok, as long as their spouse/partner is a great big bitch/asshole/douchebag.
24. I feel most comfortable when I’m at an orgy.
25.I rarely, if ever, have sexual relations with relatives.
26. I am happiest when I secretly have a vibrating anal plug pleasuring me while I work/shop for groceries.
27. I always check out my poop and giggle at it monstrous size before I flush it away.
28. I am prone to fits of explosive diarrhea.
29. My feet are free of corns, callouses, excess dry skin and assorted toenail fungii.
30.I was not molested as a child.
31.I best express my negative feelings and emotions by punching things.
32. I only argue with stupid people and those who don’t agree with me.
33. Monogamy is really so yesterday.
34. Compulsive masturbation is just what one has to do to get through those “dry” dating periods.
35. Anal sex is totally kewl.
36. Midgets turn me on.
37.I haven’t tortured or sexually mutilated anyone since I was a wee child.
38. Felonies are a great way for a potential employee to provide business owners much needed tax breaks.
39. I believe that the GED stands for “Great Education, Dude!”
40. I think adults who still live with their parents are sweet people who value family bonds.
41. I really am a MGD ,football, buffalo wing loving guy/gal.
42. I would much rather dine at a Sizzler than at a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.
43. I LOVE SHOPPING MALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
44. Babies are more like tiny drunks to me than precious angels.
45. I have a lot of tattoos.
46. I would rather have a sharp stick jammed in my eye than listen to a Dave Matthews song.
47. You can tell a lot about a person by their choice of karoake tunes.
48. The recreational use of psychedelics allows me a precious opportunity to connect with God.
49. I think recycling is for sissies.
50. In the morning, I tend to resemble a muppet.
I have many more, but they will come later. For now, I sleep! If you have any suggestions, please feel free to share. 🙂