Seriously, I’m Intrigued. Do Go On…

I don’t know….I’m not so sure I can trust you now.  It’s those shifty eyes.

I seeeeeeee it in those shifty eyes.

Not that I’m saying that YOU are shifty. No, no, that’s not where I was going with that.  Really.  I promise. I know you. And YOU…YOU are not shifty.

Now sheisty…that’s a different story.

How does one elucidate the unelucidatory? And furthermore, how does one elucidate when they don’t know the hell elucidate means? I didn’t get much past elementary school, so I think I missed the lesson on elucidation.

Nice word though. Yeah. Sounds fancy. Definitely a 50-center.  High Fallutin’.

So, where we?

Oh yeah, LeDonna. It’s just I though you already knew all about her, I can’t believe you don’t already! Everybody else does. You haven’t heard of LeDonna? Poor thing. You really have lived a sheltered life, haven’t you?

It’s not just LeDonna we’re talking about here, but it’s THE LEDONNA. You didn’t get the memo? It should have been right there with your TPS report. She’s a worldwide sensation! The One, The Only 100% Original and 36.75% fat-free, loaded with fiber, partially- organic LeDonna.  She’s a shiftshaper. She’s changing the way the world is viewing the world.

NO, NOT MOTHERFUCKING “MADONNA”!  LE-DON-NA!!!

GOT IT?      OK.  fuck!

What a horrible, horrible horrible name to give to your lukewarmly wanted adopted child.  Only parents who don’t love their children name them LeDonna.  LeDonna. LeDonna Lee. LeDonna Kay Lee. UGH! So awkward, clunky, dreadful. They had to have known that by naming me something that sounded like a goofy girl from a trailer park I’d end up perceiving myself as such. Except, I wasn’t actually raised in a trailer park, but in a little pink and white brick rambler in the luxuriously lower-middle class suburban utopia known as Hidden Valley. It was called Hidden Valley for a reason-because nobody really wanted to see it.

All my life I have hated this stupid idiotic name.  No one ever says it right, let alone spells it correctly.  And they wonder why I suffered from identity issues? Ha! Every day, I shudder at the thought of introducing myself. The process never goes smoothly. It doesn’t roll off the tongue. Infact, if I’m particularly dehydrated, I stutter when I say it.  I end up sounding like I a touch retarded or a graduate of The Mel Tillis School Of Speech Therapy. Neither of which paints a pretty first impression.

Alright, enough of the self-loathing. Onto what you really need to know…

LeDonna is complex. She cannot be so easily explained. She is no one trick pony. No, she absolutely knows at least three, maybe even four tricks. She defies stereotypes. She refuses to be pigeonholed. Mainly, because she is afraid of pigeons and really doesn’t want to be alone in a hole with them.

LeDonna is dynamic. She may possibly be diabetic, we’re still waiting for the lab results. It wouldn’t surprise us, she eats a lot of sugar. And possibly a tad dyslexic. She is definitely DY-N0-MITE. And, she loves dinosaurs, particularly the stegosaurus.

LeDonna is transcendent. Her skin is so thin and pale it is almost translucent. Her diet is high in trans-fatty acids. When she wears too much makeup, she tends to look like a transvestite. However, she is not, but she is friends with a number of transexuals. No, I am not going to make a joke about Translyvania now. That would be predictable and lame.

LeDonna is the air we breathe, the earth between our toes, the water with which we wash our clothes, and the fire we char just about anything that is beefy or porky…oh yeah, she’lls cook a chicken too!

LeDonna is life, love, laughter, liberty.  She is lightweight,luscious, low-calorie.  She enjoys lasagne,lollipops,linguine, lutefisk, lard and lipids. But not liquor anymore, because her liver doesn’t love her. She owns several works of Lipchitz and a Lipizzaner stallion. Her mother is from Louisiana.

Lithe,limber,lissome are not words that would accurately describe LeDonna. Let’s look at labels like loafish,leadfooted, lunkhead,listless,lame. Ok, not really lame. A tad gimpy perhaps. Lothario. I mean, -a, Lothari-a. But not a lesbian. No, really, I’m serious, she’s not a lesbian.

LeDonna is also la chica loca,  living la vida loca, on lithium, and is a good candidate for a lobotomy. She also attended the first Lollapalooza. She loves Lortabs and lorazipam. She’s also one of those annoying narcissistic fucks who refers to themselves in the third person and drives everyone nuts. She probably also speaks in one of those irritating fake British accents.

(She does.)

LeDonna loves you! And Lampreys too! And llamas, lipsticks, leggings, loop-de-loos, Laverne and Shirley…

OK,OK,OK, enough. Enough of the fucking “L’ shit, we get it, we all get it now, ok? OK.

Lovely.