You know, I really, really want to try my hand at stand-up comedy, but I guess I’m just a little nervous actually having to stand up in front of an audience and try to make them laugh.
Not to mention, I’m lazy. Plus, my feet freaking hurt! At work I’m putting pressure on these poor hooves for up 10 hours a day. And then there’s my gas cramps. I’m doubled over in pain half the day shooting fireballs outta my ass. How the hell would I ever make it through an entire performance on stage?
Hey, I just had an idea! Who says I have to stand? I can use a prop, I see those fancy famous comics on tv do it all the time. So I think I’m gonna try having a recliner on stage with me. Fuck yeah, that would be great! I could be a “Sit-Down Comedian!” Damn, I’m good. Why didn’t I think of that before? Not only will I be comfortable, but the cushions would most likely muffle the noise and smell of mostly all of my farts. Awesome!
Oh, but wait. Now that I’ve shared with all of you my fabulous idea, I have now set myself up for thievery. I suppose I’m going to have to kill you all to ensure my secret is safe. No, wait…I’m sure there must be a better plan. I must do whatever it takes to protect myself from hacks grubbing up my wares and profiteering off of my brilliance.
It’s happened just one too many times before.
Remember that Ronco hairspray paint that he hocked to men to airbrush away their baldspots? Fuck, I’ve been using Krylon to create the illusion of a thicker, fuller head of hair ever since I was just a baby and mama used to spray #1298 Woodland Brown over my skull so people would stop harassing her about why I hadn’t grown any hair already.
It really pissed me off when I saw his commercial while I was watching reruns of TheRockford Files with my daddy. There it was, wedged in between a K-tel ad and one for Ginsu. My hairspray idea. It made me so damn mad I went and dismembered all of my baby dolls with daddy’s big meat cutting saw down at the store. I’ll get that man one day, I swear. Plus, I need to tell him I got his stinking pasta maker as a wedding gift one year and it SUCKED! If you tried to make any other shape besides just plain spaghetti- it just shit out these indiscernible blobs of floury goo that looked like pasta turds once you boiled them off.
“Grip n’ Flip”? MY idea. “Scoop n’Strain”? MINE! And Lord, please bedamned those treacherous and sneaky thought-stealing louts over at The Banjo Fisherman. I had spent YEARS working to harness my own natural briny-ness and translate that into a revolutionary life-like fishing lure that would totally change the face of fishery. FUCK! I am always a day late and a dollar short.
Well, I’m not going to let that happen this time, because I am going to get up off my lazy ass right now and go down and register, patent, copyright, trademark, whatever it is I need to do to protect my precious plan.
I seem to be having a bit of trouble here. (Grunt) It’s kinda hard to get up and going when you haven’t moved from the same spot in 4 or 5 days. I really haven’t had to. I’ve got my tv, my laptop, a case of diet coke , 2 56-ounce bags of peanut m&m’s and a 7-11 Big Gulp Xtreme mug to catch all of my eliminations. What else would anyone need?
It appears my ass has fused to my ultra-comfy and super luxurious Charter Club PLUS double chenille throw in toasty sage. I guess my bedsores have leaked and dried,creating a superglue-like bond that simply isn’t budging. Ouch! Pardon me while I jump into the shower, I’m going to have to steam this damn thing off.
Ok, I’m back. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I need a chair for my act. Maybe I’ll just do a sofa, then I can lounge a bit more freely. Or hey…If I’m gonna go through all the trouble of lugging a piece of furniture up onstage with me…why don’t I just go all out and bring a bed? That’s an even better idea, because after all, I do some of my best communicating while on I’m on my back.
So if any of you have an old bed, or hell, even just mattress (no stains please) you don’t need and would like to donate, that would be great. Too bad Levitz went out of business, I could just put one on my card…oh no, fuck, I forgot, I’m a little behind on my payments. I think the last one was a couple…hmm…2003? Oops. Oh who cares, they’re out of business anyways, they really don’t need my money now.
I guess I’ll get on the horn with La-Z-Boy, or maybe head down to Ikea, see what they have in stock. Wait, what am I thinking, I don’t drive! Can’t exactly fit a bed on the bus.
I don’t know, I’ll figure something out. Maybe I’ll just throw down a yoga mat or a sleeping bag, or fuck, even a cardboard box. It’s worked before. As long as it’s not wet, I should be fine. Worst case, I’ll throw down some news papers and just make a nice a little space. It works in dog cages and for hamsters, and I don’t poop half as much as the average hamster.
Oh, but I do tend to pee…
BUT! That’s what the Big Gulp cup is for. Ok, that works. I’m so excited! Now I’m going to go work on my new act!