Archive for the 'Humor' Category

29
Dec
10

OH Sh!!!!t, I almost forgot my mother’s birthday

Damnit to hell, I get so angry when people forget my birthday, and leave it to me to turn around and (almost!) friggin’ forget my own mother’s. Damn you drugs and all the holes in my head that let all my memories fall out. Now I can’t remember jack-diddly-squat-except, that is, those who are unfortunate enough to forget my birthday.

29
Dec
10

What the hell why not?

I have nothing better to do. Perhaps its time to drag the ol blog back out.  Then I will play with it for about 10 minutes before I get bored…but in the meantime, I thought I may as well utilize it to post random crap and musings about the pathetic waste of time 2010 turned out to be, as well as document my new goals and visions for 2011. This should prove to be at least lightly entertaining, especially as we all know I won’t achieve any of them anyways. But man, was it fun thinking about all the great things I could be.

To celebrate my newfound spurt of quasi-productive energy, I thought I would post for you all a picture of my favorite motivational guru, as it was this person who inspired me to get off my lazy ass and do something with my computer time that did not involve gay porn, online mah-jong, or endless hours of Y&R episodes on hulu. You might think it’s Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz, or maybe even Tony Robbins, but it’s not.  It’s this handsome guy right here.You know him, and I think you love him too.

14
Apr
10

Apologies!

Hey everyone-

I have really missed the opportunity to post anything much lately, as I have been the busiest little bee this past week traveling to LA and getting settled in. I don’t think I actually posted it on this blog, but I am going to be out here for at least the next six weeks, possibly through the summer…and if I become as intoxicated by the city as Randy Newman, I may be lovin’ it enough to stay even longer. I am here helping my longtime friend Alejandra out with fantastic new Mexican grill , Santito’s On Melrose, while her regular manager is out having surgery. I will be assisting her with the daily operations, some marketing and PR, and delighting her customers with my charm, humor, and laughably unfortunate inability to run a cash register without coming off as just a touch brain-damaged. Hey, it’s been like 13 years! Do you know how small those damn buttons are?  And they’re like 1000 of them, one for every freaking item, side, drink, for here, to go go, delivery, no guac, add cheese, extra sour cream, would you like a handjob with that for only $1.00 more? Excellente!

Equally amusing is my inability to communicate with Senora Ava, who is as sweet as Mexican coke, and so adorable…and would be even more so if I could understand espanol. She works next to me running and finishing up the orders, and I’m supposed to assist her, but when she asks me to do something I just freeze like a retard and stand there like a deer in the headlights because I have absolutely no friggin clue what the hell she is saying. And she stares back at me waving forks and salsas screaming something repetitively in spanish that must only mean, “Stupid Gringa! Faster! Faster! No Bueno!”

I just want to go stand in the corner and punish myself by dousing my eyes with Diablo Sauce.

Anyone out there in the Hollywood area really should come by and catch me performing daily as the delightfully goofy token gringa with really poor eye-hand coordination at the new Santito’s on Melrose. You’ll get a tasty torta with a generous side of Lucille Ball. Delicioso!

I will attempt to post more frequently, unless maimed by an accidental run-in with a deep-fryer or something. Please keep checking back!

08
Apr
10

Narcissism Begins At Home

Hee Hee Hee Freaking Hee. Looooove this new Tiger Woods commercial for Nike. It is so creepy, I almost can’t stand it except it’s so amazingly, God-awfully Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat! (Sorry, had to throw in the Tony The Tiger bit, I know, infantile.) Who the hell comes up with this shit? I mean, are his handlers for real? Are they subconsciouly trying to make Tiger look ever more like the soulless alien sociopath he really is? It is just fascinating to me that after all he has been through, having all his inner kinks splayed and exposed to gazillions of people, being crowned Chief Executive Royal Douchebag, Master Asshole Supreme, Sargent McWags-His-Dick…you name it…there really is, truly, no real sense of shame. I mean, I don’t really see it. It all comes off as being way too canned and contrived.

In a scandal where the perpetrator is widely criticized as being stiff and insincere…why in God’s name would you film a commercial that I would imagine is supposed to be some sort of positive pr…that captures the subject in a bizarre catatonic goggle, and in splendidly grim black-and-white no less, with the disturbing disembodied voice of his dead father piped in? What the hell? Did the Art Director whip out his ouija board and channel Hitchcock’s direction from the grave on this one? Maybe Tiger has a secret Polanski fetish…would not be surprising, actually. It just boggles my brain as to why, if you are trying to make the man more family friendly, wholesome, and honorable, would you not perhaps have a commercial with Tiger…and his family! (Quite possibly because they truly can’t stand to be in his presence) Or at least, hey, they’res the Tiger we know and love GOLFING! That’s a novel idea. Or hell, eating a hamburger, kissing a baby, visiting the elderly…doing something normal at least, anything…anything! Anything besides him just standing there like he’s rehearsing for a cameo role in a remake of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.

You know, I get the angle I think they were really aiming at. I think this was supposed to show a serious, reflective Tiger, ruminating on the words of his father. That would have worked perhaps, if they were able to capture an expression on his face that actually looked like he was thinking about something. Something other than perhaps eating your children.

And I love the voice over they picked! Out of all the sound bites available to them, they picked the one that leaves Tiger most wiiiide open for ridicule. I love it! Loooove it! Nike should just go ahead and fashion a commemorative Tiger Woods pinata for scorned wives everywhere to bash with glee and abandon. Or better yet, a faux Tiger carcass that can be hung in various Albertson’s parking lots across America for wanton stoning and picking apart by the frenzied masses, like Benito Mussolini. Tiger effigies would be pretty cool too. I think I’m going to burn one tonight after dinner.  .

So you hear his dad asking Tiger these questions, and I’d like to fill in the blanks to what I believe was floating around in Tiger’s potentially vacant head.

“I want to know what your thinking was…” (Hookers. Oh yeah, and Me. Money. Golf. Hookers.)

“I want to know what your feelings are…” (Feelings.  Hmm. Not sure what those are. I am a sociopathic android. I feel like I like hookers, money, sex, golf, and myself. Oh, and hot wings. Yeah, I really do like those.”

“And I want to know, what have you learned?” (I have learned to always, always, always! Delete text messages to my hookers, porn stars, blow up dolls, vicodin dealer, etc. etc. Always. And take Elin and the kids out Wednesdays and Friday nights, stay home Monday and watch ‘Dancing With the Stars’. This will create the illusion I love them. Oh, and season passes to theme parks. can’t forget those.)

On a final note, I think that Tiger’s decision to play in this year’s Masters speaks volumes to the truth belying his character. The man has won 4 jackets already. I’m sure he will win many more. What would it hurt for him to take a year off and focus on his family, rather than his public image and bank account? I hear a lot of people-primarily men- rooting for Tiger “to just get back to what he does best, playing golf!” Sure, let Tiger go out and play…after he has taken some time to really try to make things right at home. It’s beyond obvious his wife is not happy about his choice to play, which is why she is in Sweden, while her husband is out trying to reprove to the world just what an incredibly big penis he is. I mean, has. It’s all about the “Wood”, you know?

Men like Tiger make me vomit in my mouth just a little, because at the end of the day, it really is still all about him, and there is so little true accountability for his actions. While on the surface, there are these lame emotionless apologies cast out like memos designed to cover his metaphorical ass, they are a thin veil that barely covers the bulging (lol I said “bulge”) muffintop that is his ego and sense of entitlement. I’m sorry, I just truly believe that a man who really wants to show his wife and the world he has truly changed, would be channeling his sole focus on his family, not his career, especially since this guy obviously is not feeling too much of the effects of a “tough economy”. (Hell, sales of many of his endorsed items have increased! I’m sure purchased by other men who cheat on their wives in an attempt to create a “band of brothers”, bonded together by mutual douchiness, self-absorbtion, and adultery) Dude can more than afford to take some time off and hang with the wife and kids. You know Tiger, like the kid you say you felt so bad about missing his first birthday because you were in SEX REHAB…hellllloooo…it is NOT NORMAL to miss your child’s FIRST BIRTHDAY because you were in SEX REHAB! Hello, are we casting for VH-1 Celebrity Tool Academy yet? I think we have a winner! And by the way, you know what the name of his rehab facility was? “The Gentle Path”. WTF? Really? The gentle path to what? Why aren’t these places called “Camp Boot Up Your Freaking Ass?” or “Enter Here For 28 Days of Being Socked Upside The Head Repeatedly With A Petrified Nerf Bat”? The only gentle path there needs to be for manturds like Tiger is a gentle path to a good ass-whooping.

So, again, Daddy…why are you not with your son NOW, and instead of being off playing GOLF trying to reprove you are KING OF THE MOFO’ING WORLD?????!!!!! Do you not care that your kid is going to get into kindergarden and be like, “what do you mean your daddy didn’t cheat on mommie with a dozen trampy hobags and then leave for a long time to go into sex rehab and miss your birthday and then make it up to you by taking off to spend time playing a really lame sport with a bunch of elitist codgefarts when he could have been home playing putt-putt with you? Huh? Really? I thought that’s what all celebrity dickhead daddies did!”

Where are your priorities, really? And shame on the men who support his behavior and think, just let the man play golf! Why? Cause you want him to be vindicated and you can vindicate yourselves on some level vicariously through him? It’s really sad. So many men are still so chauvinistic and seem to feel this great sense they are entitled to stuff their man snausage into any and every female orifice they find arousing, and women are just supposed to spread their legs, like it, shut up, and leave politely when they are asked to. Oh, and don’t forget to thank Sir Cocks-A-Lot for the privilege of his time and touching his penis. He did, after all, buy you a dinner or two.

And don’t  dare have any care or feelings for Sir Cocks. No matter he told you how beautiful, wonderful, special, fabulous you were, perhaps bought you gifts or at least a couple of drinks. Why should you take stock in the fact he said he cared about you…as a person. Certainly he cared about you as a person! You are a person with a vagina that is much warmer and more pleasing than a blow-up doll. Plus you are a person that can make him feel special, important, sexy, manly. See! You are very, very useful to these sorts of chaps. You are vital to stroking the penis, stroking the ego. After all, there is only so much of  the aforementioned the man can do himself. Please, be a love, help a fella out! It’s exhausting being the center of the universe! It really is the least you can do. Think of it as a public service, something that all good female citizens must do, kind of like voting! And hey, remember that we are lucky we get to do that!

Ok, I’ll stop now, before I start to sound like Alanis Morrissette. Eew.

31
Mar
10

Kate Gosselin to perform ‘Jon and Kate’-themed ‘Dancing With the Stars’ routine

March 31, 4:52 PMJon and Kate Plus 8 ExaminerJessica Carlson
While Kate Gosselin may have dodged a bullet on this week’s Dancing WIth the Stars, she might not get as lucky next week if a reported ill-conceived routine takes place.

According to E! Online, Gosselin and dance partner Tony Dolovani are in the midst of coming up with a “Jon and Kate Plus 8” themed routine for the “storytelling episode” of the show. Tony will take the roll of Jon, and they will attempt to somehow weave the tale of the drama that is the Jon and Kate Gosselin marriage and divorce into a short dance number. Should be… interesting.

While in theory there’s potential there to create a unique piece the likes of which nobody has ever seen in the 10 seasons of DWTS, Gosselin has not demonstrated so far that she has the dancing chops to pull it off, nor the ability to take direction to help gain the necessary skills — Dolovani nearly walked off the show after Kate’s recent hectoring about his dance teaching abilities. Keep in mind, Dolovani not only is a professional dance teacher, but as he pointed out on the show, he also professionally teaches dance teachers how to dance.

But that’s not stopping Kate from remaining positive. She told E!, “It’s my story over the past two years. We’re very, very excited. [It’s] dramatic. Oh my gosh, so much drama.”

Dancing With the Stars airs live Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.

19
Mar
10

Further Proof I Am Insane…LeDonna Tunes Into The ENTIRE VMA’s (Originally posted 9/08/08 on MySpace)

Further Proof I Am Insane…LeDonna Tunes Into The ENTIRE VMA’s
Current mood:  cantankerous
Category: Music

Yes, I am crazy AND I have no life. Indeed, I did throw away about three hours of my life I will never be able to get back. I didn’t intend to…it just happened. I was watching Jim Gaffigan on Comedy Central and there was an ad. I didn’t even know they were going to be on! That’s a step in the right direction, isn’t it? In the past, I’d actually PLANNED to watch them.

However, I must preface that alarming disclaimer by footnoting that I planned to watch prior VMA’s 1) In the presence and company of my daughter (primarily to provide parental guidance and proper censorship, NOT just a cheap pathetic attempt at bonding, as some might think. I assure you, it was not. That was when we watched American Idol.) and 2) If Justin Timberlake was performing.

DON’T JUDGE ME!!! “Justified” was an awesome musical force of nature. (OK, not really, but it was a dance-tastic cheese-a-rrific rock-you-body-good time. You know it was.)

Plus, this was the 25th Anniversary of the VMA’s! Surely, there were to be classic performances, favorite stars making impromptu appearances, montages highlighting great moments in VMA history…like stuff from back in the day when MTV actually broadcasted music…so I was kinda excited. Again, I hadn’t seen any of the hype or advertising in the weeks prior, so I honestly didn’t know what I was in for.

Wow, I wish I had. I would have added at least 3 hours to my sleep life.

There was nothing. It was a complete yawn fest. No drunken Britney. No Justin. No exciting suprise performances by the likes of old school faves like Madonna (a la ‘Vogue’-still hands down all time pinnacle of  VMA perfection), KISS, Fat Axl Rose, Van Halen reunion…nothing. Just motherfucking JONAS BROTHERS!!!!

Like Nancy Kerrigan wailed after her knee was pulverized by that guy with the weird name I can’t remember who was bangin TonyaHarding…”WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!” is exactly what I was screetching as I clutched my head in bewilderment.

Confusing me more was the inclusion of  Kid Rock. I am sorry, I am so perplexed over this one. MTV could have picked one of 1000’s of veteran badasses to step in for a song. Especially for the 25th Anniversary???? I guess maybe Madonna was busy with A-Rod, and Bono was out ending poverty again. What about Pearl Jam? Or REM? I’m not even huge fans, but it would make more sense than fucking KID ROCK!!!! What about Duran Duran?? Vintage MTV goodness. I just saw them on Ellen 2 days ago! they would totally be up for it! “Hungry Like The Wolf” is on Rock Band 2!! It just makes sense!

The Cure…Depeche Mode…Radiohead…Bueller…

Bueller…

F@ck…I mean, what about Def Leppard?!  VH1 loves them! MTV, you made them! I’m sure they would gladly give up a date on the casino circuit to play for you. Motley Crue! Prince! Michael Jackson! He certainly could use the money!  I can think of about 10,000 other acts I’d rather see than Kid Rock, and much more fitting for a 25th Anniversary special.  Just another good reason why MTV as a whole just needs to be obliterated. Tool Of The Devil, that’s all it is.

Kid Rock…uggh,so heinous! So much so, I refuse to call ‘Kid Rock’. I’d rather refer to you as ‘Baby Pebbles’. I find that more fitting. You make one- maybe two- white trash anthems…and bang Pam Anderson for 10 minutes…and now you’re a rock legend???? You may be king of the doublewide, but you ain’t no cowboy, much less a painful memory of a bad flash in the pan. Dude looks like a catfish! I actually saw him in Webster’s next to the entry for “BottomFeeder”. Seriously, I hear he swims around in a stagnant pool of water feeding off algae and his own poop.

His hair is thinner than mine!

Please, stop. You peaked with your cameo in “Joe Dirt”. ‘Nuff said.

Truthfully, although it was painful, I’m glad I tuned into the VMA’s as I ended up with a smorgasborg of great nonsense to make fun of and sound off about. So much so, it will take many entries to do so. I am going to subdivide my commentary based on topic, providing ease of reference for my beloved readers. All 3 of you. Unless I get bored and forget.

XOXO,

LeDonna
Your Favorite VMA Commentator EVER.

19
Mar
10

what’s in a name, really?

I was watching The Young And The Restless today (as I always do, thank you, not that I feel I need to justify my unhealthy obsession with poorly written melodramas involving imaginary people that, for that hour, I forget this and think they are real.) One of the big storylines involves the swapping of a baby that was named “Hope” by her birthmother, and “Faith” by the woman who thinks she’s the baby mama. And I got to thinking…optimists seem to love giving their children names that express their sunshiny-warm feelings about the world, with names such as “Hope”, “Faith” “Charity”, “Serenity”, etc., etc.

I wonder why it has never become a trend amongst pessimists and the more Machivellian-minded to name their children after the main tenents of their core values? That could result in some pretty interesting new names in the baby world.I mean, they don’t even need to be viewed in the true context of the meaning of the word. The name could be used almost ironically, or just because the word sounds kinda cool. This should go over really well with celebrities who seem to enjoy naming their children after random names and concepts simply because they think they sound hip. For instance, do you think really Gwynneth Palthrow went with “Apple” because she loves fruit pies? Or that Nicole Ritchie named her son “Sparrow” because she veiws him as a delicate baby bird? Why not “Eagle” then…certainly that name would be more reflective of the type of bird I’d want my son to be if that was my angle. Not some wimpy bird that’s probably easily mauled by cats. Will her next child be named “Swallow”? That would be funny, there’s all sorts of connotations in that one. Or, if she decides to go with a fishy name, will she choose something meek and tiny, like “Guppy”, as opposed to a much more masculine, firmer sounding “Trout” , “Bass”, or even “Grouper”? (Wow, there’s all sorts of name possibilities latent in the fish world. “Cod”, “Flipper”, “Flounder”, “Tetra”, “Trigger”…I could go on for days!)

Or  take Gwen Stefani’s son Zuma…I don’t think she really believes her son will grow up to be some sort of king of the jungle, just as if she bears a sister and decides to call her “Zima”, she wouldn’t be proclaiming her love of a really lame early 90’s malt liquor beverage. It would probably be because the names sound good together. Little Zuma and Zima. What a darling pair! Really, it’s a shame they aren’t twins!

I mean, why don’t we try names like “Greed”? That would be a fine name for a boy. It sounds almost kind of regal, well-bred. We already have people naming their kids “Green”, or “Greenlee” like on All MyChildren.  We could maybe cange the lettering a little. Maybe “Gried”. See! That would be a swell name for a baby brother to Brooke Sheild’s lil’ girl Greir!

Think about it? Was Evel Kenievel sociopathically nefarious? No! Although he may have shown questionable judgement at times, it made a really cool name for a dude who flys his motorcycle over parked cars! And what a flair for marketing he must have had! He must have known that was a great name for an action figure!

Here is a list of more pessamistically or sinfully minded, but could be really hella cool, names I have come up with.

“Malice”, or “Malyce” (Great for families with siblings named “Maddox”, “Madeline”, “Miranda”, “Mathilda”!)

Avarice,  Avareese,  or Av’arice (Could be a delightful baby brother to sister named Ava!)

Deespaire, or D’Spare (Good one for an up-and-coming DJ)

Doom (Think “Doom McKay!”Awesome.)

Apathie (Has a nice French feel, don’tcha think?)

Arrogaunce (He could have been plucked strait from the Shire it sounds so Lord Of The Rings!)

Blame (Great soap name, along the lines of “Blade”, “Flame”) (Ok, I have never heard  of anyone named “Flame”, but hey, that’s kinda cool too)

Mizzerrie (Again, it’s got that French feel, and it wouldn’t surprise me some middle school goth hasn’t beat me to the punch on this one!)

Bitter. (It’s nice and and punk rock, you know. Like, “Bitter Johansson”. “Bitter Blakefield”. “Bitter O’Brien”. “Bitter Jones”. “Bitter Nyugen”. The possibilities are endless)

Madness  (“Madness Mulligan”. Perfect!) Or, simply “Mad”. We already use “Maddie”, so it’s really not a stretch.

Pretentious (“Pretentious Peterson”! Precious!)

Scorne

Skitzo (“Skitzo McGee”! See! Also, good creepy clown name)

Siko  (Long or Short “I”, they both work)

Tarde

Jerk (Good Old “Jerk McJames”! Or “Jerk Jagger”. Or, “Jerk J. Smith”. Very versatile, this one.)

Pryde

Lustie

Really, there are lots of single-syllable words that would make very trendy new names. Words such as “Fury”, “Rage”, “Slay”, “Murk”, “Glut”, “Crave”, “Boor”, “Spaz”, “Scum”, “Sludge”, “Stinge”, “Hanker”, “Ego”, “Death”, “Desire”, “Shallow”, “Raw”, “Rough”,”Trash” and “Fungus”…shouldn’t be just monikers limited to punk rockers, comic books and soap operas, but names for a new, fresh and edgy wave of alterna-babes and social misfits defining and leading a new generation.

Other poly-syllabic words can get a breezy and refreshing twist with plays on spelling and pronunciation. A little tweeking of vocal inflection…and you’ve got a totally cute new baby name! Hey, it worked for Nick Cage’s “Asswipe/Assswipe'” famous character on SNL. That was so freaking funny!

Try taking “Obstinate”. Sounds a little harsh and brutal in its original form. But jazz it up as “Aubstienaat”- it becomes very chic in a Eurotrash/Krautrock kinda way.

“Odious” doesn’t have to mean “stinky”.  He could be part of a new wave of great Greek philosophers!

“Skanty” “Antagony” “Toxic”, “Envy” all become super-cute when you add an “ie”, i.e. “Skantie”, “Toxie”, “Antagonie”, “Envy”! (Again, so francais!)

“Meager” = “Meeger”. “Vulgar” =”Vulgaar” (so Vogue!)

“Insolentia” and “Inimicalle”. Could you dream up names more stylish and wonderfully snobby for your next multiple birth? I think not.

I know you think my thinking is pretty far fetched, but really, we’ve been dabbling in this arena for a long while now, with names like “Vanity”,”Bum”, “Desiree”, “Slut”…oh wait, I guess “slut” isn’t actually a “name”, it’s just the name I use to refer to all the bitches in my life behind their backs.

Anyways, just wanted to throw this out there, something for you to think about!

Kisses and Hisses! XHXHXHXH Mwah!

LD 😀

PS. I know, I was all inconsistent, inaccurate and “wonky” with the haphazard use of parentheses in my diatribe. I must admit, I subscribe to a much more “emotional” use of punctuation, using certain symbols when it “feels” right, versus “intelligent” and “grammatically correct”. Hey, don’t judge me, I’m sure you got the jist of what I was saying.




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