Will YOU Please Go To Wild Waves With Me? *please*

I know it’s not quite warm enough yet, but it will be soon. And I really, really, really want to go to Wild Waves. I saw a commercial today for this new casino with this kick-ass waterpark, and it just got me all excited for summertime again. And since I really shouldn’t be going to casinos-not because of the gambling, but because it’s on an indian reservation, and no doubt it’d spark a drinking binge for me-the next best thing is our sooper-cool Six Flags ThemePark Enchanted Village/Wild Waves!!!

(Actually, the Enchanted Village part is really gimpy. It’s more like those cheesy portable rodeo carnivals with the ancient rickety rides you’re sure are going to collapse and fall apart on you, crushing you to death in a smoking heap of rust of cracked plastic) But the Wild Waves part really is hella fun and sooper kewl. I’m designing my own waterslide that I hope the Six Flags people will buy from me, I think it would be a runaway smash sensation with both kids and parents and even old folks alike. It would be called the LeDonna Lee Lightening Locomotive (TM) Liquid Luge (and FunTime Silicone Lubricant wading Pool). It would look something like this:

Now I know what you’re thinking, it LOOKS like it would just be any other regular old waterslide, but oh no, this one is different. Rather than cascading down the twisted mountain of loops, curves and swerves on water, (so yesterday!) you and your friends will be gliding along a lightweight film of AstroLube, splashing down into an luxuriously exhilarating lagoon of cherry-flavored cellulose carbohydrate personal lubricant! (Banana flavor is available every Wednesday and the third Friday night of the month) Since it’s 99.3% water, it’s easily hosed off by our onsite Personal Powerwash SuperShower! And if you’re liking what you’re feeling, you can just continue the fun down at the LD Lover’s Lounge where you can frolic in the Hasbro(TM) Twister Tank, pin’ em down down at the MMA Brazilian Jujitsu Oil Wrestling Arena,or just turn down the lights and up the love in the LD Orgymatic Freelovin’ Nub Hut (maximum capacity 458 ) brought to you by Budweiser and our friends at Durex. Oh, and mark your calendars-next summer I hope to add on the bodacious LeDonnarama Disko Bootie Barn and Anal LuvHut. See you all there!

I’m really sad, because my boyfriend refuses to go to Wild Waves with me. He says swimming in public pools is unsanitary, and he picked up the ringworm one time when he went to a waterpark as a kid. Personally, I think he just doesn’t want to admit he probably got it from himself. {I know what a secret poop-picker upper he was when he was a kid. Ooops, I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that.} Sorry, hun. Besides, I’m not afraid of anybody’s funky old ringworm! I have my own chiggers and body lice, that’ll scare any old puss-ass ringworm away! Shoo!

I think this deep-seeded desire for aquatastic beachtime summer fun stems from a deficit from my childhood. As a young adolescent, I was overweight and abhorrently pale, and would rather endure the flames of a thousand fires than expose the world to my obscene fleshiness in a bathing suit or shorts.As a result I rarely spent much time in the sun (which lead to the vicious circle of continuous pastiness and obesity, as one generally cannot get a tan if their skin is never exposed to the sun, and one cannot shed pounds if their lard ass refuses to move). There was one time that I gathered up enough nerve to go to Waterworld with a few of my other calorically-challenged friends. Here we are posing for the camera in an effort to appear happy, footloose and fancy-free:

Of course, I’m the one one the right, the redhead. (I always made sure I was the runt of the litter, subversively choosing my friends that made me look thinner. I know, I know, it’s a self-esteem issue)

Also, I remember I was always trying to get my parents to take me out to a waterpark, or even to a neighborhood swimming pool. But they never really had the time, they were always busy working at the store. Finally, Mama caved in and got me this thing here to shut me up:

I’m not sure what that was, I think she emptied out one of her old plastic shoe bins. It was fun and all, but somehow, it just didn’t quite do the trick. My heart still yearned for just a little something more.

So please, would you please, accompany me to Wild Waves this summer! We can get a Season Pass, or maybe cash in some Pepsi Cans and get $5 off an EarlyBird admission. It’ll be fun. We’ll get matching sunburns, drink $6 fountain pops, and maybe even come out of it with an ear infection!! Yay!!! Thank you so much, you’re the best! I can’t wait! Woo Hoo! Yay!!!!! I’m goin’ to Wild Waves! I’m goin’to Wild Waves! (Insert “Happy Dance” here)

My New ?’s For The eHarmony Profile

Ok, I admit it. I am a completely sheep-minded, easily malleable, suggestible, susceptible, bidable, manipulable foon. My is brain is like a magnetic lump of silly putty-I am just that impressionable. Palm trees in Florida in the midst of hurricane season are not as easily swayed as I. I am the ultimate marketing quarry, a fledgling ad exec’s wet dream.

I am a sucker.

And because I am a sucker, I am easily worn down by repetition. Just ask my daughter. She has calculated out that although it can take an upwards of 86-90 pleas for me to break down and give into whatever the hell it is she wants at a given whim, I will give in eventually, and that’s more important than the time she has to invest in the asking. Some may frown upon this as wishy-washy and ineffectual parenting, but I beg to differ. By taking the time to wear me down with her incessant whimpers and demands, she learned early on very valuable life-skills such as persistence, goal-setting, and determination-the importance of never taking no for an answer!

So, it’s easy to see why, after years of being barraged by hundreds of thousands of exponentially annoying eHarmony commercials-you know the ones-with all the images of your prototypical white-bread,vanilla-bean-makes-me-reach-for-my-kaopectate-perfect couples( You know,like this one:

“Oh, we’re so normal! We’re so successful, but in a no-too-showy way! Oh, and we’re happy! So very very happy!!”) and promises to find MY perfect match-yes, MY perfect match -a match made based on pivotal information about me,my life, and all it’s inner tinkererings, gathered by detailed questionnaires focusing on 29-YES! TWENTY-NINE key Dimensions Of Compatibilty. Not 25. Not 26! Not even twen-ty-seven or twen-ty-EIGHT, but fuckin’ A, no shit, TWENTY NINE MOTHERFUCKING DIMENSIONS OF COSMIC COMPATIBILITY! Drop kick me,Jesus, through the goal posts of life! Hallefuckinlooyah, but that’s a certifiable shitton of personality dimensions. Now, I don’t know why there’s not thirty dimensions-I’m guessing the folks writing the profile have attention issues like myself, got bored and went, fuck it! Twenty-nine’s good enough! I’m takin’a nap! At anyrate,I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to take their free personality profile and find out for myself what all the hoohah was about, and honestly, I just couldn’t wait to find my soulmate.

So, I go through about 35 minutes of vaguely worded questions that I’m sure are supposed to be deep, complex, esoteric and soul-seeking, but are really flimsy little feel good beat-around-the-bush-isms that all center back to three key points of concern:

1) Are you happy,motivated,success-driven?

2) Do you have a lot of money?

3) Do you love the Baby Jesus? ***

*** Although ‘loving Baby Jesus’ is actually an implied theme, it is glaringly apparent this service is geared towards a more conservative, middle of the road client, folk who are most likely homely and have fostered an artificially superficial and optimistic outlook on life. Although I’m not one to generalize,these types generally tend to tend to fall into the Bible=thumping category.***

I felt there were large gaps in critical data one would need to decide if someone was an ideal match-hell, I wouldn’t even go out on a first date with the 7 hose-heads they wanted to hook me up with. The reality is the current eHarmony profile is a lot like a track house. It’s pretty on the outside, but on the inside, it’s a worthless piece of shit. And being the spearheading kind of gal I am, I took the liberty of contacting eHarmony and shared with them my critiques, and surprisingly, they were very open to suggestions and asked me to compile my own set of questions to enhance the current personality profile. Energized by the prospect of creating a vehicle that could deeply delve into the inner bowels of a persons soul and extract out the true essence of their fetid nature, I have come up with an amazing personality profiling tool. These questions get to the “meat” of the matter, so to speak, and reveal what we all truly want to know about our potential mates and their character.

NEW AND IMPROVED ADDENDUM TO LAMEASS eHARMONY QUESTIONNAIRE

rate on a scale of 1-5, with 1 suggesting Strongly Do Not Agree, 3 Neutral, 5 Strongly Agree:

1. I like to drink wine with my dinner.

2. I like to drink wine,or perhaps even beer,or possibly refreshing mixed drink beverage such as margaritas after dinner.

3. I like to drink wine, beer,whisky,vodka,mouthwash,or rubbing alcohol up until bedtime, or I pass out,whichever comes first.

4. I like to start my mornings with a breakfast of PBR and the Bible, and maybe some some sausage while I’m reading.

5.Drinking at lunchtime is one of my favorite pastimes.

6. Drinking on the job is how I aced my last promotion.

7.Drinking and driving doesn’t count if you’re a)less than a mile away from home or b) under 25 mph.

8. I would consider myself an advocate for the legalization of marijuana.

9. Video games are a great way to spend “together time”.

10. I would say cocaine or methamphetamine users often get a bad rap.

11. I am in favor of better dental care provisions to be available to crackheads and tweakers.

12. I look at Grand Theft Auto the same way I look at library books.

13. I routinely put out on a first date.

14. 100 one night stands with people whose names I cannot recall is really the norm for me.

15. I have sold my body for money. Or drugs. Or a piece of pizza.

16. Manufacturing illegal substances is a great way to supplement your income.

17. Jail time is not much more than a bar mitzvah-it’s a rite of passage.

18. Recycling bins are great makeshift nap areas in a pinch.

19. Criminal charges are a great way to meet sexy lawyers.

20.Living with schizophrenia really isn’t as debilitating as I thought it would be.

21. The voices I hear in my head mainly say positive things.

22. My neighbor’s medicine cabinet is a great source for Vicodin.

23. Hot tub parties with your neighbor’s spouse/partner is ok, as long as their spouse/partner is a great big bitch/asshole/douchebag.

24. I feel most comfortable when I’m at an orgy.

25.I rarely, if ever, have sexual relations with relatives.

26. I am happiest when I secretly have a vibrating anal plug pleasuring me while I work/shop for groceries.

27. I always check out my poop and giggle at it monstrous size before I flush it away.

28. I am prone to fits of explosive diarrhea.

29. My feet are free of corns, callouses, excess dry skin and assorted toenail fungii.

30.I was not molested as a child.

31.I best express my negative feelings and emotions by punching things.

32. I only argue with stupid people and those who don’t agree with me.

33. Monogamy is really so yesterday.

34. Compulsive masturbation is just what one has to do to get through those “dry” dating periods.

35. Anal sex is totally kewl.

36. Midgets turn me on.

37.I haven’t tortured or sexually mutilated anyone since I was a wee child.

38. Felonies are a great way for a potential employee to provide business owners much needed tax breaks.

39. I believe that the GED stands for “Great Education, Dude!”

40. I think adults who still live with their parents are sweet people who value family bonds.

41. I really am a MGD ,football, buffalo wing loving guy/gal.

42. I would much rather dine at a Sizzler than at a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.

43. I LOVE SHOPPING MALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

44. Babies are more like tiny drunks to me than precious angels.

45. I have a lot of tattoos.

46. I would rather have a sharp stick jammed in my eye than listen to a Dave Matthews song.

47. You can tell a lot about a person by their choice of karoake tunes.

48. The recreational use of psychedelics allows me a precious opportunity to connect with God.

49. I think recycling is for sissies.

50. In the morning, I tend to resemble a muppet.

I have many more, but they will come later. For now, I sleep! If you have any suggestions, please feel free to share. 🙂

I sure do love to help. :)

I’ve decided to start volunteering recently, and happily, one of the opportunities that has come up is providing support to victims of domestic violence. It’s great, because this is absolutely one of the A #1 causes I am passionate about, so I’m excited to have a chance to get in there and do whatever I can to make a difference in these women’s lives. I’ve found that it can be a bit of a challenge finding a good volunteering gig, the really good jobs seem to already be taken. For instance, I went to Nordstrom and asked if they needed any help with advertising, for I would be happy to model any of their 1000’s of high-quality and fashion forward garments all around the downtown area. Oddly enough, the answer was a No!

Then I headed over to Gordon Biersch and volunteered my superior beer-tasting talents absolutely FREE OF CHARGE! just to be a good citizen and help them out in their QA department. I mean heck, it has to be tough for an outfit like themselves to consistently produce a great-tasting product, and I’m sure it would be helpful to have some folk on hand to serve as sort of a “frontline of defense” and save some poor elistist schmo from overpaying for a brew that might possibly even be just a skosh not up to snuff?

I was floored when I was politely shown the door and asked to never return. I even inquired about tasting opportunities with any of the new brews that were still in the development stage. I’d be happy to give those guys my opinion on how they taste! Plus, I’m sure I’d have some helpful feedback for them, after all, I have spent a lot of years swilling a LOT (and I do mean ALOT) of beers, and trust me, I know good beer when I taste it.

Again, the answer was NO! What is the deal with these people? Maybe I have something stuck in my teeth. And what was up with the arm-twisting thing the security guy was doing as he was escorting me out the door?? Dude just about ripped my arm off my shoulder. Man, what a jackass, that really hurt.

Oh, I guess it’s for my own good anyways. I don’t need to start drinking again. It was kinda early, anyways, I think it was like 8:00 in the morning. Now if it were 10? Maybe a different story. Ok, ok, I gotta focus now.

So yeah, the plan is for myself to provide encouragement and solutions by phone to callers who are seeking help to extract themselves from some sort of potentially dangerous situation. So I guess I’ll start out by being a good listener, assess the situation, then give them resource information and any helpful tips or perhaps some encouragement or advice. Which is great, because that is exactly what I am best at. 🙂

You know, one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in my journeys down this wide and rambling road we call life, is that every cloud really DOES have a silver lining. It’s true. Attitude is everything, and when it comes to life, it’s up to you to decide whether you’re going to put a positive or a negative spin on any given situation. And domestic violence is no exception.

I know there are a lot of “standardized ” wisdoms in the world of counseling victims of domestic violence, things such as “Yeah, if he hit you with a hammer,you should get that checked out”, and “Um, yes, sweetie, I think the part where your “partner” shot your mother and set the dog on fire, may indeed be a red flag”. Those sorts of things are kind of no-brainers, and honestly, I think I’m gonna feel a little weird stating the obvious to some of these women. In fact, most of them I’m sure have heard the same meaningless line of tripe crisis lines always tell callers anyway…they got the standard “run for your life” shpeel the last time Earl beat the living tarfeathers off their behinds. I’m thinking these women would really benefit if I could possibly bring something different to the table. So, I’ve been working on some fresh new twists on looking at the subject of domestic violence, and I think they’re really mighty encouraging. Take a look and let me what you think:

1) Yes, having been punched, choked, and grabbed from behind I’m sure was frightening and is horrible! But hey, it’s not gonna seem so weird or scary the next time someone tries to mug you!

2)Try to make dodging punches and bullets a bit more like a game. Try to imagine that you’re just acting out a real life game of Grand Theft Auto, or something else along those lines.

3)Try to make the most out of each trip to the courthouse when you’re filing your Order Of Protection paperwork. They’re a lot of really hot Family Law Attorneys down there, and if you’re on your game, you might just land yourself a sugardaddy. Stay away from the cops though. They’ve got the anger management issues, too.

4) Hey, you get priority placement for social services!

5) You know, you get great free samples of shampoo and stuff at those domestic violence shelters. Be smart and scoop up all the love you can!

6) If he’s stalking you, try looking at it as “Hide N’ Go Seek”. You know, think “Stratego”, make it a challenge! Oooh…where’s he gonna be next? Is he gonna be – here?? Noooo, ok…maybe he’s HERE hiding out in the bushes. Or will he find me HERE and be waiting for me behind the door with a butcher knife? See! Gives it a slightly more frothy, fun, frivolous feel, like “Where’s Waldo?”

7) You know girl, “bruise” is the new “black”. You didn’t hear about that? Guuuurrl, you better go on and work it NOW!

I’m totally stoked. It feels so good to be giving back and helping others. I’m sure if I keep coming up with more of these freshfaced words of hope and encouragement, I’ll be the hotline’s favorite counselor in no time. Maybe I could parlay this into like a full-time gig. Yeah, I think I may have just found my calling. Wait! I just came up with another one, listen to this:

“Don’t be sad about that shirt he just ripped right off you. See, use these shreds of fabric to make dandy fashion hair bows. Or, you can use them as bondage restraints to really put some extra sizzle into your make-up sex!” Good God, at times, my genius…